1987. latin class. this girl jean is regretting having bought the new
depeche mode album music for the masses because listening to it made her feel like she
was "walking down a dirt road in the middle of nowhere in the middle of
the night about to be killed". as an appropriately dramatic instant escape from suburban h-e-double-hell this exit method appealed to me greatly because i
was and am approximately 19-27% goth and was and am approximately 71-89% in need of escape.
though in my mind it wouldn't
have been a dirt road but a yellow brick one. except
the yellow would have been gray and the bricks would have been rubber.
jean was previously best known for being the cherry chapstick eating
girl in 3rd grade. and then for the killer canolis that she made for
every fundraiser bake sale food excuse ever. she loved things in
tubes. and i loved depeche mode. sweet deep lilting voices. perfect
orchestrations. intoxicating lyrics. synth was the new real. and after listening to dm it was all i could do not to kill everyone around me and then myself, but in a superomantic supersuperb superflowing way. is there any other?
but you've heard depeche mode before, right? especially tunes from this
'80s pop and rock radio embraced album music for the masses. so what's new here?
the dvd that's what. featuring the short film "sometimes you do need some new jokes", plus b-sides, including agent orange, route 66 and sonata no. 14 in c#m (moonlight sonata). and for the technophiles among us, plenty of 5.1 mixes. with depeche mode it pays to be a technophile.
depeche mode filled stadiums. romantic gloomy stadiums. now they want to fill your life again with gloom, doom and most of all beauty.
"why are those right wingers so against us women getting abortions? don't they think we're supposed to vacuum?"
this joke does not necessarily represent the viewpoints of ultranow or its subsidiaries. but i did write it and have never been so proud/ashamed in my life. at least not since i bought whitney houston's second album.
thanks to reader susan for the tip on which high school he (and she) graced with their presenceseses! here's some adult brian for your viewing and begging pleasure. i tried to part my hair in the middle too way back when. since i had a semi-loose jewfro this involved painful prolonged blowdrying, then sleeping on the results. i do admire brian's restrained feathering here. parted in the middle sure, but not all farrahed out. looks like he had some orthodontia after he began modeling. he was never a big smiler. king of the solid straighforward semi-pout. brian, if you're reading this, will you sign my yearbook? or this civil union license?
aaron spelling is dead: who will resurrect robert "vega$" urich's career now? urich's dead too? then what the hell was he still doing in the tooth whitening infomercial months after his supposed demise? who wants tooth whitening equipment from a dead guy? and most importantly, why couldn't tori die first? can't she do anything right? i can't stop asking questions? star jones is leaving (fired/unrenewed from) the view: just 3 more ludicrously uniformed know it alls to go and the show will be 100% percent lesbian. actually if rosie's the only host it will be 150% lesbian. meredith viera and star jones off the view: reverse affirmative action. producer barbara walters goes all klan for '06.
nicole kidman marries keith urban: botox, pipe cleaner legs, i have no idea what to say. how do people write about nicole kidman? keith urban though equals sexy man arms. i got that one down.
paris hilton is dead: pop rocks and coke kills again. spread the good word.
today someone told me that i'm very handsome and asked if anything was new about my look because she has seen me before which implies i was less handsome then but that's negative thinking so i'll focus on the very handsome today thing. my response was "mental health and a new shirt. ben sherman, half price." which brings me to this awful joke i've told about 8 times in the last 3 days, ever since this massive heatwave hit seattle. we are not used to 90s. at all.
so commiserating with someone about the heat and how uncomfortable it is, i'll say "and i should be better in the heat. after all, i wandered the desert for forty years." now that's not the whole joke yet, but if i sense they don't know what i'm talking about so far, i'll say "i mean my people wandered the desert for forty years." and they'll say "oh yeah, let my people go..." and i'll say "yeah." or if that sidebar is unnecessary and they are in the know on the whole jewish escaped slaves wandering in the desert thing, i'll just go right into the punchline which is "it would have been less but we we were waiting for a good deal on a hotel". awful, right?
especially since i'm not actually cheap. i have been tight with money but it hasn't been out of cheapness exactly, more so self-denial, which i'm weaning myself from slowly. asceticism is great when someone is trying to buy your love and you are rejecting them, but if i have a few bucks and want an inhabit duvet cover from designpublic.com, dammit i'm going to get one, and a coordinating pillow double dammit. now i just have to buy a duvet and massively high thread count white sheets. eventually. i think.
i'm not going to go all insatiable for material goods because people and puppies are much more important than things, but anything related to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, it's going to be styling and mine. no regrets. just bills. i should mention my overall aesthetic is restrained minimalist modern cozy sleek accessible. whatever is the look that involves as few pieces of furniture and accessories as possible in the name of negative space and positive pocketbook. i'm following brini's guidance and being myself designwise and otherwise. now what accessories go best with 2000 square miles of sand?
these are up all over seattle right now (and for all i know the rest of the world). you got your four serial killers plus anne heche. i can't take credit for the photo but i can take credit for not having been a serial killer or an ex-lesbian. though not portrayed as villainously as serial killers (such as if you or your roommate were killed by one) or as ex-lesbians (if you're ellen degeneres or howard stern), i have been the other part of the pop culture trifecta - a drag queen. back last decade. i went by the shemoniker of [name withheld for security reasons] and i would again in a hot second or never, one of the two. go-go danced at a lesbian bar for cash and dessert. once some ladylovers invited me to a slumber party and said they'd freeze my underwear. guess i do qualify as an ex-lesbian too then. serial killer though - no and never. who has the time? and it doesn't pay well at all. unless you're playing one in a movie.