dear mel gibson

jay leno is making jokes about you because anti-semitism is funny.  years ago you stood up while being interviewed and pointed at your ass and said "exit only" which i guess meant you're not a fag.  well listen,  an ass can be exit only and the person still be a fag, like when the cum drips out.  i'm warm.  it's warm.  the air is warm.  and you make me uncomfortable.  abc just dropped you from the holocaust miniseries you had in development.  never wrote a word in two years.  guess you put it on your "i'm not anti-semitic" resume after passion of the christ.  didn't you kill off a gay character for laughs in braveheart in an ahistorical manner?  didn't you cover your shriveled crotch in the changing room of the ymca in burbank california usa earth because homos shouldn't see you be your genital self?  i love you mel because anti-semitism is sexy and the holocaust (miniseries) never happened.  now you are pleading with jews for help to heal yourself.  well i may control all media in a vast conspiracy of judaism but i don't control your alcoholism and last i heard alcohol reduces inhibitions, letting your true inner anti-semite and sexist bitch self shine in the light of legal truth.  i want to put a gun in your mouth and tell you there's no gun because your words are a gun and you're telling me you didn't mean them.  try giving some feminists a call and asking for help to make you stop saying sugar tits.  don't be surprised when that help consists of forcefeeding you sugar smacks until you get diabetic and not even patti labelle will let you have any diabetes management supplies but she will sing her "one touch changes everything" jingle right in your face at volume infinity over and over until you burst with sugar and blood and she cashes in on every instance of her jingle performance and donates her profits to the jewish federation of greater seattle because while you were drunkenly truthfully speaking evil against jews and women real jewish women were being shot at by an anti-semite and one died.  you understood how some of us won't forgive you or be interested in your movies anymore.  i haven't been since mad max and the only time i thought you did a good job was in that one with diane keaton and that was only because you played a mentally challenged guy in a blue speedo which was hot despite you.  so yeah you badmouthed the gays with your i'm no homo exit only comment and now you badmouth jews which by the way if we controlled the media why the hell have the only jewish shows on television in recent years been the nanny and...and...and...living with fran.  i suppose that's because the jews who control the media must hate themselves which of course is not your fault at all because you're a drunk driver and drunk drivers don't have time to be anti-semitic drunk drivers.  they're too busy slurring the alphabet.  but really it's not your fault because instead of the alphabet test or the walk the line test they said "hey it's mel gibson. let's test if he's sober by seeing if he's his normal, natural anti-semitic sexist self.  let's have him recite mein kampf backwards while pogosticking on a mass grave."  it's words.  i know it's words mel.  i know you haven't shot anyone.  and i know that you're probably not a nazi in this life.  but shut up and listen.  i'm here to speak up for the sugar titted, the jewish, the fudgepackers.  you mess with one of us.  you mess with all of us.  what's next?  attacking those who love midcentury modern danish teak furniture?  please don't melvin.  then there will be no part of me left to reject. and i will disappear in jewish, gay, sugar titted, midcentury modern obscurity, like a now invisible ms. gay dansk jewerson of topeka, new jersey.  i need you to see me and love me mel.  you are the most important person in your universe.  that and a real schmendrick.

Comments

[Catherine]

"hey it's mel gibson. let's test if he's sober by seeing if he's his normal, natural anti-semitic sexist self.  let's have him recite mein kampf backwards while pogosticking on a mass grave." 

I just did a spit-take all over the computer....

[manprano]

Bra-fucking-vo.

I tried to write this post, but I'm so glad I didn't.
In the words of Veronica Cartwright, "You're beautiful".

[manprano]

OMG, was I drunk? Veronica Sawyer. As in Winona in "Heathers". Thank God it wasn't that funny in the first place...