ultranow

in defense of idaho senator larry craig

larry craig.  larry craig.  senator craig.  senator larry.

• people shouldn't be arrested in airport bathrooms for allegedly looking through a stall door, tapping one's foot (even if in that come hither way), blocking the underneath of one's stall door with luggage, and waving one's hand under the partition.  none of those things are sex or in and of themselves lewd.  they just aren't.
• when he says he's not gay, i see no reason not to believe him.  as christopher isherwood expressed beautifully:  being homosexual means you want to have sex with a man while being gay means you can fall in love with a man.  or something like that.
• while i understand the desire to call him on hypocrisy since he's this "family" values, anti-gay legislator, i don't think it's necessary to have airport lewdness on him, or other examples, in order to criticize his voting record based solely on that record, not his personal life.  otherwise, it's saying he's worse than the other "family" values, anti-gay legislators out there and last i checked, enda isn't law yet despite what heterosexual things do or don't go on in the bedrooms and local airport bathrooms of those legislators.
• the late night talk shows (letterman and leno in particular) have made homophobic jokes about the situation that are cringeworthy and disgusting.  here, i'll make up one myself that's just as good:  "a closeted gay senator named larry?  shocking!  what's next, a power bottom florist named bruthe?"
• straight men have sex with other men every damn day of the world life week year.  take that in, america.
• at least he's not peeling off his shirt like putin.
• as if idaho is going to elect some gay activist in his place.  whoever replaces him, if he resigns or doesn't re-run, will probably be worse.  i don't see gayle king running for idaho senator and she's the only one who could turn it around for us.  love me some gayle king.

fall tv preview

big house on the prayer-ree
catholic church controlled prison that doesn't allow condoms (oh wait, neither does regular prison).

special sonny in 3d
the adventures of a man who poops pee and pees poop, inspired by the unauthorized biography of sonny bono.

nude parcheesi showdown
as hosted by bob saget, featuring human parcheesi pieces and the only person who knows how to play parcheesi.

the cbs evening news with katie couric
as hosted by bob saget and his sexy tongue.

ask svetlana
a call in show where desperate people are involuntarily transferred from suicide prevention hotlines to live television, where their last hope is russian gymnastics diva svetlana khorkina.  her answer to everything:  "be perfect or be nothing!"  callers appreciate how she's more sensitive and understanding than dr. laura.

celebrity children's book author hour
ghostwriters toil in the depths of carbon paper writing bestsellers madonna and jamie lee curtis will take credit for.

simpson sister suicide
will ashlee or jessica go first?  will ashlee fake out jessica in a fake suicide pact then leave jessica for dead but jessica's not really dead because the plastic bag over her head has holes?  can i please stop flipping past e! and hear jessica say she thought her calling was christian music but then they told her her breasts were too big so then she had to go for the pop world?

judy garland resurrection
still desperate for judy sixty year old greenwich village queens fight it out over who gets to dig judy up out of her grave and give her belated gay mouth to mouth in the vain hope that rainbow breath will instill the value of life in her skinny skinny corpse.  spoiler alert:  judy's spoiled.  spoiler alert 2:  the winner/loser is gore vidal.

it's always puppies
crystal meth addict puppies put obscene amounts of sugar in their coffee when they're not high on crystal.  watching puppies try to open sugar packets is pure family fun.  spinoff:  it's always barebacking puppies.

walkin' out yo girlfriend triple mashup - unk vs. avril lavigne ft. toni basil

thank you dj lobsterdust for the seriously bouncy bounce!  get the freeee mipthreeeee.

attraction test

are you okay with only seeing outlines or do you need to view what the outlines represent (after the jump)? when you see a human in person or in photo, do you know how much of your attraction is based on shape and how much is based on dimensionality, texture, color, expression and life?

lindsay lohan is dead nicole richie is dead paris hilton is dead bananarama is dead george michael is dead liquid eyeliner is dead

well not really but lawanda page is dead and i still care about that and that happened 5 years ago.  which reminds me of the time fred sanford was going for the guiness record for staying awake and lawanda as aunt ethel said he should already be in the guiness book for the lollipop record - all day sucka'.  [insert laugh track here]  seeeeenaaaaaap!!!!!!

potential sources of his red eye

• demonic possession
• angelic possession by the rare "red angel"
• camera flash
• blushing eyes due to nudity embarrassment
• wallpaper

after the nsfw jump.

natural and unnatural

it's raining on hempfest right now, meaning puget sound is about to become a giant tie-dye slick, which shall create a world of greasy, rainbow seagulls and greasy, rainbow killer whales.

p.s. reports are that minnie driver was shopping at my natural food co-op yesterday.  though not in town for hempfest, she was part of a band playing at the crocodile.  discretion prevented the checkout clerk from asking her about her latest movie project, as obviously she has none of note, except maybe in england but i don't live there.

pretend boxer with really no shorts

after the penis jump.

physics really turns him on

dick size equals mass times acceleration, after the jump.

paul hunt (paulette huntinova) drag gymnastics spectacular

he pensive and on fluffiness

normally i don't go for this style of underwear, but context is everything

clinton, not hillary, the other one, no not bill either, the other one, the first name one

i love clinton on tlc's what not to wear.  stacy london too but clinton of course is the bestest just because.  oh i swear i saw him in seattle once.  i know it was him because he had a cell phone, green sneakers and hoards of shopping bags.  plus it really looked like him.  i regret not dropping to my knees and you know.  so just now on the show, of a totally from hot topic black and pink checked pleated miniskirt this wannabe fake goth fake punk 24 year old mess dj from phoenix was non-rocking, dreamboat clinton said:

"this is the kind of skirt you see a woman wearing in the west hollywood bus station. she gets off the bus wanting to be a star and a week later she's got track marks and lice."  then he threw her skirt in the trash.

p.s. is track marks one word or two?

catch-up post

i've definitely not been posting as much lately.  at first i thought it was because of blog block.  then having nothing to say about the world, which would be called more generally world block.  but since i always have something to say about just i everything, i ultimately realized it's just been because i've been devoting my energies elsewhere - shopping, social life, netflix, career.  so i don't lose the "now" in ultranow, i am giving my blog a promise ring to keep it fed, and you all too.   the promise ring is made of tinfoil, because i'm cheap, or at least am again after all the shopping i've been doing.  here's some stuff that's been stuck in my brain.

• the lindsay lohan "it's not mine!" excuse around the cocaine in her pocket is infinitely implausible.  since when has she done anyone a favor?  plus this guy in line at a safeway i bought vinegar and a protein bar at said to what i reasoned was his aa buddy that the holding it for someone else deal is totally 6th grade.  then he tried to flirt with this woman by saying her dove bar looked good.  she tried to unflirt with him by denying his existence.
• whoopi goldberg is a horrible choice for the view.  she hasn't made me laugh since the color purple.  shoulda gone with kathy griffin, babs.  whoopi will never get the youtube hits needed to to to...what do youtube hits do?
• i'm going to take some graphic design classes at night because that's what night is for because day is for work.  i'm totally going bilberry, blueberry and carrot-tastic so my eyes don't fry.  when you get older, your lenses get stiffer so it's harder to transition from near to far and back.  it can cause strain.  and i'm oooollllllldddddd.  though i'm still generation x.  that won't ever change.  now i'm mid to late 30s is all.  still have time to be the next grandma moses.  plus phyllis diller didn't start comedy until 37, or at least didn't get paid for it until then.
• in the back of my head, i think i read somewhere that there is going to be a new fame movie but i'm scared to try to confirm it.  fame is nothing without gene anthony ray, so they shouldn't fucking bother.  you just know an american idol castoff will be cast and ruin it.
• ratatouille is a fine movie, if you like excellent animation, tight action, hordes of rats which when swarming are rather nauseating but when in small groups or as individuals are serviceably cute, and about 40 different morals jammed into the mix.  for my book, that's 41 too many.  i think i'm going to get a beta.  need some life in this apartment, beyond the judy blume books i've been taking out of the library.  did i ever mention i dream of being a children's book author, or more specifically a published children's book author, or more specifically judy blume or roald dahl or judy dahl or i guess me because they can't write what i write either.  although i swear i would've come up with a book called fudge-a-mania too, just like judy did.