ultranow

jessie clinton gym shorts tube socks self-suck moment

while no relation to dreamboat and tall drink of water clinton kelly of what not to wear fame, you love jack latest jessie clinton has his own style.  tube socks, gym shorts and auto-fellatio are in for 2007 and beyond.  and what not to wear?  everything!  so what's behind the demure black bar?

disturbia: seattle edition (it's not just a movie)

so i'm standing at the bus stop on my way home from work.  bus is at the corner.  i hear a thud and look up to the bus poles (ours are electric so have poles to connect to the gridwires).  i figure they came off the wires, but they hadn't.  bus drives away, and as if a curtain is drawn back, what's slowly revealed in the center of the street is a beautiful black horse on its side, flailing around, her/his hind legs tangled up in the stupid fucking carriage harness for stupid fucking people who pay stupid fucking money for beautiful horses to motor them around seattle's boring retail core - "on your left is kenneth cole."  a horse and carriage ride in central park, i get. but in traffic?  breathing in fumes all day?  walking on pavement? no.

diatribe aside, the horse soon settled down into a collapsed mode after realizing it was impossible to (or being too hurt to) get up.  i saw 3 people, including the handler, pulling the horse by her/his neck trying to get her/him to stand.  the horse hadn't been hit by the bus, but had slipped and banged the bus on the way down.  how hard that hit was, i don't know.  but hard enough to make a loud noise and for me to see the bus shake.  best possibility is the bus helped break the horse's fall.

i step on to the street and tell them they shouldn't move the horse until they get help - like a vet.  the handler, an angry angry dyke (dyke part good, angry part bad), yelled at me that the horse was fine, just tangled up.  i yelled how did she know the horse was fine and if you fell hard would you want someone pulling you up by your neck?  she told me to back off, but then ironically the 3 stopped pulling the horse's neck as if they'd actually listened to me.  i don't know who the other 2 people were.

then the inevitable happened.  a peta devotee (black haired pale skinny young women in tight jeans) started severely screaming at them how they were being cruel to the horse, how the horse never would be in this situation if it weren't cruelly being used for profit, breathing in the fumes - basically all the stuff i was thinking, but my focus was on helping the horse in the moment, not making a political point.  that person eventually left crying after being told to fuck off by whoever was with the handler - one of the people who had been pulling the horse's neck.

sisley so nasty

even their logo, the simple black strip with white text, reminds me of the black bar put over someone's face to protect their identity. now what the hell do they sell?

how does flirting over cake turn into a horrible discovery?

so i go for a walk on christmas eve, or as it's known to jews - december 24th.  i'd eaten dinner already, felt cooped up in my apartment and despite the cold, just needed to get out.  the plan was to hang out with friends on christmas proper.  december 24th was going to be all about digital cable and non-digital food.

so i end up on a popular consumer strip where i knew some places would still be open and i wander into a shop that sold dessert among other things.  i'll treat myself, i figured.  i was absorbed in the cake display and told the clerk i needed more time, eventually asking him, with as much serious as such as a question could allow "do you have any cakes specifically designed for jews on christmas?"  to which he replied "oh, you're jewish?  are all jews as incredibly handsome as you?"  which blindsided me to the max.

i'm not entirely used to compliments out of the blue like that (though of course we all know i'm incredibly handsome, ahem, my body language is one of the most effective deterrents to human contact known to gay man.)  i'm also naturally suspicious, so i say "only those of us who are about to decide how big a tip to leave."  which is an asshole thing to say on my part, but it's what came out.

so he says he's not saying it to get a tip and he doesn't say that to everybody.  so i say "i'm the only jew in the world and i'm the best looking jew."  which gets into bizarre territory as attempted flirts go because it makes no sense and doesn't go with my first response.  so i then pick the strawberry white cake white icing with almonds (which is called a "gateau" on the little card).  i chose it because it looked suitably garish and decadent, especially in terms of the price.  continuing my fumbling, because he is handsome, i point out that gateau means cake, which i told him i figured out from the context.  off-putting body language is looking pretty good in comparison to this exchange.

he's still smiling though when he has me walk around to the register side.  he asks me my name and i say and then he tells me his, which sounds like, let's just say, a wwii related word.  then he goes to the back to get my slice, since he needs to leave the display case one alone for future garishness.

when he comes back i ask him the spelling of his name, because if it was what i thought he'd told me, it would have been a sleight on my person and jewishtacity.  he said, oh not that way it's [such and such spelling.]  we made a little more small talk, then i belatedly thanked him for the compliment and told him i was flattered and he said he was glad he'd at least learned my name and he hoped i stopped by his store again soon.  i felt he was sincere at that moment.  i walked home with my slice and it was good, especially the strawberries.  i thought of potentially better responses like:  "since your shop isn't crowded right now, do you mind if i stand here and flirt with you stupidly for awhile?"  though i don't know if that's really better.

waking up today, i felt good about a guy hitting on me, though i still partially felt maybe it had been for a tip or to fuck with me in some way.  but part of me definitely felt it could have been genuine and maybe i should stop by his shop again after all.  i resolved to talk to my friend about it later [today] and get some advice.  so i go over her place for christmas dinner, or december 25th dinner.  and by the way earlier today, g-d or mother nature or whoever was so cliché because it was snowing on christmas.  whatever.

because his first name was so distinctive, and because i'd learned the spelling since it was a homonym for something horrible so i'd asked, i of course googled him before i left for her apartment.  i found a myspace for a music group he's in, saw his face picture and everything.  so at my friend's apartment, i tell her the whole story up to this point, google him to get his myspace and before i click that, i scan down for other google results.  what i found is after the jump.  and it's not pretty.

nico, no not that nico

of those currently on the models.com top 50 male models list, my favorite is #15, nico.  because he looks like a girl.  a so over it, don't fuck with me, how much for those damn shoes girl.

nothing captures the christmas spirit better than a stripping tan santa animated gif

after the nsfw jump.

favorite ass of 2007

as far as those i haven't seen in actual person.  it is my favorite.  yes.  and his thighs have something to do with it.

i'm not ashamed

or i am.  because you know that thing where kids sit alone at lunch or don't even go to the lunchroom because they're busy eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the bathroom because they have nobody to sit with at lunch so they sneak to the bathroom on the way to lunch and it's 1982 junior high?  you know that?

it's amazing but seattle is a big lunchroom and i'm in the toilet reading wired magazine and eating masumun curry on my design public duvet cover thankfully without getting any of it on said duvet cover.

i'm awkward or at least don't know what i'm doing socially even if it fake it well.

animated wolverine daintily hides his nipples

jamie lynn spears is totally totally totally, um, pregnant?

this doesn't matter because it's not about britney except i tagged this post britney because jamie lynn is a nobody.  unless britney is the father or kevin federline is the mother or however that works.  she's 16, y'all.  and unless it's a total hoax, it's real, unlike her hair color(s). 

she's all starring in zoey 101 on nickelodeon.  these teen pregnancy things are only supposed to happen on degrassi so i don't know what's going to happen to zoey.  hopefully it will be replaced by some episodes of three's company, though it's that lax attitude as promoted by jack, janet and chrissy of santa monica, california which cause teen pregnancy.  that and penis juice.

i just hope if she leaves it in a dumpster that it's a really nice dumpster.  lots of bling.  maybe a big friendship bracelet on it.

and for goodness sake, i hope she doesn't get too fat, because if she gains weight during pregnancy and keeps it on after, she'll be a poor role model for rich, teen mothers.

or did britney sabotage her sister's condoms or birth control pills to take the heat off her own life?  this would ironically make it about britney though it's technically not about britney.

this always makes me happy not that i picture myself as oksana omelianchik or okay i do but i also like to watch her make it happen in '85

yeah but who doesn't look good from this angle

wsfn. i mean nsfw.

ides of december everything at once in my head

• when tv alcohol ads include at the end "drink responsibly" that is a command telling people to drink, albeit responsibly.
• paula deen is not as fucked up as she used to be on home shopping, meaning she seems awake and coherent now.  perhaps previously she was nervous at the possibility of earning thousands of dollars a minute.  now she's fine with it.
• i've become obsessed with home makeover shows. flip this house, sell this house, gayify this house, whatever this house.  and not the kinds with the hunky carpenter know-it-alls.  just the ones with regular folks doing shit with hammers and such.  it's my new food network, but with wood and steel.
• food network needs to stop showing reruns of cooking contests from 2004.  if i'm to become devoted to the results of gingerbread competitions, at least show me the one for 2007, and live to boot.
• how will the writer's strike affect the relaunch of american gladiators and will the lycra to spandex percentage be the same as it was from that show in the 90s, or is it more lycra now, say closer to 15%?
• is hulk's wife filing for divorce just before the launch of his new tv show a publicity ploy to get people to watch american gladiators to see if hulk cries and watch the next season of hogan knows best during which the divorce issue and likely reconciling will be covered?
• why do i think heterosexual pornography is degrading to all concerned but homosexual male pornography is sacrosanct or at least the segment of it that i like?
• why is my life a constant battle between short term frustration and long term goals?
• when am i going to follow my heart and become a full damn fucking buddhist already instead of toying with it?
• oh shit, do buddhists get to swear still?
• can the late night talk shows please start up with fresh episodes again soon (sans writing staff) because without pathetically predictable boring jokes about the presidential candidates, people might start to actually pay attention to the issues, like that a republican jew is running for president.  and they believe in aliens.  they are a cult.  a crazy cult of christianity sent to the earth by alien babies plus they eat babies and have 40 wives and goldfish.  mitt romney is a republican jew set out to destroy this country.
• i mean mormon.  whoops.  and mormons don't drink coffee or alcohol so they can't be president anyway.
• and jews can't be president because, well, you know why.

27 things i hate about tyra and america's next top model

1. the winner of season 9 went to tyra's t-zone camp when she was 14 so shouldn't have been eligible.
2. the winner of season 9 was in a national wendy's commercial already which by antm rules should have meant she wasn't eligible for the show at all.
3. the winner of season 9 has modeled in an antm season 6 runway show and on the tyra banks show.
4. the winner of season 9 is not high fashion at all.
5. i refuse to say "cycle" instead of "season" anymore.
6. tyra cast who she wanted to win with the hopes that an already working model could be more successful than past antm winners and prove that america's next top model really is a top model.
7. tyra eliminated jenah even though she took the best pictures, at tyra's own admission.  the reason was stupid so i'm not even saying it.
8. everyone who is on the show has seen the show so much they know what's coming and despite attempts at creating variety, there is none.  case in point, bianca knew if she said ridiculous, bitchy things in confession and with the other women she'd be kept in the house longer because she'd be needed for "good" tv.  as is typical, the house "bitch" makes it close to the end but never final two.
9. they recognized heather had a.d.d. so fed her the lines for the commercial, but the following week set her loose on the streets of shanghai expecting her to be able to focus enough to find locations on a map and ended up making it to only one go-see so got axed.  not that i know exactly how her disability affects her, but if she looked great enough and would pull in money for an agency, they'd spring for a damn escort plus she was my favorite and got canned fifth so tyra can suck it not that it matters really you know cause darfur matters more but i'm talking that about the stuff that doesn't matter and this pisses me off.
10. there were so many ads for yet another crappy cw show, the finale had at most 30 minutes of content and these included ads which seemed they were ending then got second crapwinds.
11. when tyra was walking down the runway as if a chinese queen she made eye contact to the side with where she knew the camera was and it is not royal behavior to mug.
12. then after sitting down to watch the show as ostensibly the royal ruler of all that somehow protects miss jay from being gaybashed by all of china, she ruined the royal fierce vibe by talking with such phrases as "saleisha's working it!"
13. tyra got into the youth market talk show market right after ricki lake abdicated.  tyra, i've met ricki lake.  i love ricki lake.  ricki lake had better drag queens on than you.  tyra, you are no ricki lake.
14. tyra remembered the whole "breaking them down" thing but forgot to then build them up.
15. i'm a fag and i don't want to have sex with her or look like her or have her friends or any shit like that.  she can have her life and i can have mine.  she is not in control of my destiny any longer.
16. she can not can't can not not not not sing and that time she tried hurt so bad.
17. she sits in waterfront property wearing a lacefront wig controlling weatherfronts with her dmitri casadine evil weather controlling machine from general hospital stupid plots from 25 years ago.
18. she is younger than me, richer than me, and for some reason feels the need to work still.
19. she promotes materialism.
20. janice dickinson was fired from top model because she asked for more money so we had to sit through years of twiggy soon to be replaced by paulina and while i also hate janice the idea of firing a woman who asks for more money is disgusting.
21. janice dickinson just called tyra fat and the fact the tyra is not fat yet is called fat is supposed to make me feel like i'm on tyra's side but i'm not because tyra just spouts semi-feminist values but doesn't live them which is a harsh thing to say but have you seen her show and the bland putrid cliches she spouts to people like she thinks she's oprah 2?
22. if she really meant to have a real size winner of antm, which she in an anti-feminist manner still calls "plus size", she'd cast a whole season of real size women instead of one or two tokens.
23. she wants to be super "accessible" and in so doing loses her real self which is what i thought at first but now i think there is no real self beyond what is shown and she is in fact bland and uninspiring.
24. she wasn't completely destroyed by naomi campbell even though i wish she had been.
25. when i first saw her picture, which i think was in a spread in harpers or elle back in 1990 or so, she was in a red dress and i was sitting in the university library and she was two dimensional and somewhere i wasn't yet i was also two dimensional and somewhere she wasn't because i was locked up inside my life so tight i didn't breath or move or live or live or live i didn't live and it seemed like behind her eyes maybe she was living but it's an act she's fierce but life isn't about fierce life isn't about projecting fierce even if it's supposedly being projected from within because life is about being within not projecting that within to get something like fame or money or glamour or hype or commercial endorsements.
26. she let cover girl take over top model thereby destroying couture mamas from making their mark as they should and as is most exciting to watch.  yes yoanna was couture.  goodbye top model.  goodbye tyra.  you disgust me.  and i'm wasting my time even now hating you.  it's just tv.  it's fake.  it's nothing.  but i needed to believe.  i drank the koolaid and it was good until it wasn't.
27. this is where i would normally say and the biggest thing i hate is i have to wait a few months for the next "cycle" but the biggest thing i hate is my willingness to surrender to trash tv at the expense of my life.  escape is false.  tyra promotes escape from life.  tyra is false.

he really really really really really loves his knee

after the really really really really really cock jump

jaslene gonzalez sorta making it after america's next top model

she's currently a spokesperson for love is not abuse and she's riding the almost too sexy edge for lot29.  more pics after the jump.  what the hell is she holding here?  some goop ass sugar straw?

the stupidest fucking reason ever to kill a tree

stupid reason stupid reason stupid reason.  stupid.  reason.

livejournal sold

six apart (which runs this here typepad) sells off livejournal to the red menace.  and i don't mean danny bonaduce.  i can say that red menace bit since genetically i'm part ukranian.

bammmmcry

hey i'll carry my baby in a backpack sling kind of thing and talk on my cellphone and and refuse when people offer me a seat because it'd be "safer to stand" and then i'll bump my baby's head against a metal post over and over again while people reach up and try to stop my baby's head from hitting and then i'll baby talk commiserate with my crying baby oh does it hurt?  oh does it hurt?  but i'll still keep standing and bumping my baby's head all the way to downtown but it's okay because i have a $300 coat and a razr cell phone and i'll never buy a baby carrier thing called a stroller or even a kind where i can hold my baby in front so i can sit down because i like smashing my baby's head against a metal post over and over again so i can make people think i'm a good parent because i make sympathy noises even though the truth which i don't know is that sympathy isn't necessary if you don't hurt someone in the first place. 

oh and another thing that happened on the bus recently is this guy offered the driver half his peanut butter cup and she politely declined.  then he sat down and coughed up a lung.