ultranow

do i boycott heinz?

because they made this gay ad for their mayo and aired it in england but then pulled the ad after a couple hundred protest phone calls from gay haters and whining by bill o'reilly?

or do i boycott heinz because i'm a vegetarian and "mum" gives his daughter an extra piece of ham?

or do i boycott heinz because the ad's not funny and i don't eat mayonnaise anyway?

conclusion: all i eat by heinz is their organic ketchup and i can't stop because it's the best ketchup ever but i'm going to eat less of it because giving in to anti-gay protestors is ridiculous.

reversa wants men to do your bidding

choose a product and then ask to see the side effects.  trust me.  enjoy.

seattle metropolitan and readymade are schizo (and i don't only bring that up because someone told me it's national mental health awareness month)

seattle metropolitan wants you to spend money to learn how to save money.  readymade wants you to bring a magazine into your house in order to learn how to stop clutter.

so are we buying something, such as frugality and a clutter-free lifestyle, or merely the idea of something?  the fact that the purchase of these magazines runs counter to an actual mission in them would prove that we're buying the idea only.  we're buying a way to see ourselves.

this is similar to falling in love with the idea of love, rather than actually being in love or showing love, as in "i want to be someone who has a boyfriend and says i love you so i will have a boyfriend even if i don't like my boyfriend."  not that i've ever done that - three times.

why did google scan the fall 2002 undergear catalog?

google catalogs beta (no i never heard of it either until i stumbled upon it just now) has the undergear catalog for all to see.  now why someone wouldn't just go to the undergear website instead is beyond me, especially since the undergear catalog google has up is from 2002 back when kelly clarkson was busy auditioning for ai.  guess google wants to control the gay world's view of gay underwear and this proves it.

they also have the footsmart catalog and i don't know what that proves.

xxx spam critique

if as just happened i'm going to get spam from a "mack begay" could it at least not have the subject line "amateur chicks real banging big cocks on a boat"?

might it actually be gay and say "amateur studs real taking big cocks on a schedule"?

most creative men's underwear commercial ever

evil deep link to the video because i can't be bothered to download and host.  be patient for it to load.

i like bubbles

sisley so nasty

even their logo, the simple black strip with white text, reminds me of the black bar put over someone's face to protect their identity. now what the hell do they sell?

i know better, i think

among the myriad of outrageously priced condos going up in seattle is a tower called 1. opening 2008. what a coincidence. so am i.

so the tag line on the side (of course written in sans serif white font on a black background) is "YOU'LL KNOW 1 WHEN YOU SEE IT."

my ad copyrighting experience is screaming to me, as i pass the giant signage while i sit aboard a mostly empty bus, that it would be stronger as "YOU'LL KNOW 1 WHEN YOU SEE 1."

this is because the capital I reads as a 1 at first, but then the T in IT pulls me from the 1 to the letter I, diluting the expression, and the attention to the building name. what should in fact primarily dilute the attention of the building name to people in my position is that it's insanely unaffordable, de facto promotes predatory lending, and is soon to be frighteningly tall.

advertising extremes

bad advertising

good (and rather three dimensional) advertising

oprah is a sign of whatever the opposite of apocalypse is

oh did i forget to mention i was taking a blog-cation?  for, um, a week and three days?  well i did and i'm back.  so much has changed.  i missed the whole rosie o'donnell sex tape thing, the whole spaceship crashing into the white house thing, and the whole "man killed by rainbow" viral video that's everywhere, like a virus of some sort.

blame it on a new netflix membership.  suffer, local neighborhood video store small business!  that and not having anything to say for a bit. 

so i found an oprah magazine abandoned in public.  i asked the closest person if it was hers and she said no so i grabbed it and proclaimed to her:  "it's a sign.  there is something in this magazine that will change my life!"  i've scoured the pages (scoured means skimmed, right?) and i believe i've found it.

between the article "the miracle worker" on sjp's admirable cheapo multi-sizo bitten line, and queen latifah opining "like any girl whose body is changing, i felt unsure of who i was becoming." (uh, you're becoming queen latifah...duh!) between those pages was why i found the magazine, or more precisely, why it found me.  and i quote:

"now mcdonald's puts nutritional information on many [not all] of their products.  so i don't have to wonder [but could still worry] about the quality and nutrition my kids are getting at mcdonald's.  foods like chicken mcnuggets made with [not "of"] white meat, fresh crunchy apple dippers [dipped in what?] and calcium-rich low fat milk [full of bovine growth hormone].  compared to a lot of the foods my kids love at home [like captain crunch and legos?], mcdonald's is a great [cheap] choice.  i guess that's why it's called a happy meal."

why is this a sign?  because i know for a fact that i can see through spin a mile away, which means i'm pretty darn unfoolable by some man again, which means i'm ready to date again.  thanks, oprah!

pigface hewhore

i totally get not showing your face in a craigslist ad, but can we all agree the self display etiquette should be either to crop out your head entirely or cover it in a photoshopped square of a color of your choice, not to distort your face to the level of that twilight zone eye of the beholder episode (pic below)?  oh and i'm not paying you to have sex with me.  i just wanted to see hustler pics to check if there was anyone i recognized and yours freaked me out so i hate you.  believe what you want people, but i'm too cheap to pay for sex anyway.  i would however pay someone to watch the owl and the pussycat with me, so figure that one out.

i call bullshit on tomatoes

i finally figured out why i'll get a bunch of on the vine tomatoes and they never taste as good as they smell (unless it's in the heart of tomato season).  it's because i'm smelling the vine, not the actual tomatoes.  picking them up scratches off some pieces of that little raised fuzz on the vine itself for which i'm sure there's a fancy botanical name.  once that smell is released i'm hooked, only to ultimately be disappointed because i don't actually eat the vine.  i'm sure awareness of this principal of semi-false advertising can be made visible regarding other things in life that i'm hooked on but ultimately disappointed about.  like, oh i don't know, money?

when the word bareback isn't enough

how literal does gay porn marketing need to be?  as evidenced by newbies (and real sites) internallygay.com and cumintomyass.com, pretty damn literal.  next on the scene are sure to be:  hereismyassforcumtobeinsideitlots.com and nocondomnocondomyescumyescumassass.com and assforspoogeshootnowagainoftentoday.com and theasscontrolsthemeansofspermproduction.com and rubberlessdickinsideyoutilblowstwice.com and myassisamilkcarton.com.

how about condomless homomalesex is just called homomalesex because that's what it was understood to be before safe sex was a concept.  then the marketers would only need to differentiate porn that uses condoms - with such websites as unbareback.com and externallygay.com and onmenotinme.com.

oh i know that myassisamilkcarton.com and onmenotinme.com are sorta catchy but they are also damn hard to read so i wouldn't bother registering them and starting a multi-million dollar business.  someone probably already has anyway.  and his name is trump.

and i thought i was negative

from seattle craigslist m4m (yes i go there sometimes, but only to judge, like now): 

"Most of the time I don't like most gay folks, so if in doubt...I probably won't like you."

why did this ever exist?

pornographic kaleidoscope

the manmeat equivalent of a hpnotiq print ad after the jump.  which by the way, why the hell is there is vodka, fruit juice, cognac combo that's trying to hypnotize people with its print ads?  date rape is so 2002.  damn hpnotiq.  personally i prefer nudity to alcohol.  now let's all focus on the number 4.

fight or flight or fight or flight or fight or flight or something else

can watching a weight loss infomercial make you lose weight.  yes!!!  especially if it's for vibromass and you row 2000m on your concept 2 rower while the tv blares vibromass worship.  keep in mind the mass is shorthand for massage though the first association i had was biomass.  the same machine in every spa sequence from the '40s to the '60s is back and now made entirely of easily breakable plastic.  i swear rosalind russell used one in the women and someone tried to kill james bond with one once.

the vibromass ad plays fast and loose with the word exercise.  having one's arms be vibrated cannot really be called exercise, unless you're practicing cunnilingus at the same time.  if the fcc had more time on their hands, they'd cease and desist these false hope peddlers.  as cher said during her bally's fitness commercial about 16 years ago -  "if a great body came in a bottle, everyone would have one."  or maybe she said "if everyone came in a bottle, it would be great."

but some good things do come in bottles.  i learned recently that adrenal stress can lead to excess cortisol production, which can lead to excess fat storage around the middle.  it's documented or whatever, so herbal support for one's adrenal glands can help balance them out and increase the functionality of one's parasympathetic nervous system, thereby assisting in the metabolizing of fat and helping with rest and digestion.  or some such nonsense but really it's true.

i'm not a naturopath, but i learn from them, and honestly if you've had massive stress in your life, either short or long term, and know you've been in the fight or flight mode for way too many hours, your adrenal glands may be stressed out and need support.  you've still also got to do things to help reduce stress in general but adrenal support is really important in my opinion, at least for me.  so look into it.  this isn't medical advice.  i'm just making the non-groundbreaking point that stress affects our bodies more complexly than we might have thought.  it can make people want to buy vibromass for one thing.

there are top notch adrenal support supplements out there, but talk to a naturopath before you do one.  though it can vary for each person, supposedly you take one for about 2 weeks for every year of prolonged stress in your life.  so i'll be taking one well into 2008.  hilarious.  damn '80s were harsh on me.  i can't tell you how many rubik's cubes i got pegged in the head with.

when even lifetime has to whisper the word mastectomy, there is something wrong with the world

this would make a superb sneaker ad

it's soooooo after the jump.

joan rivers stinks up the telly

horrible horrible proof this exists

amazon unbox ocd tagging

amazon has a tv and movie download service now (whatever) called unbox (get it?) and are hyping brokeback mountain (was i supposed to have seen that by now?) as one of the main movies up for grabs.  among the obsessively vast list of plot keywords in the description are: 

• "boyfriend boyfriend relationship"
• "emotional distress"
• "blood on shirt"
• "family dinner"
• "gay slur"
• "whiskey"
• "beans"
• and my favorite keyword cause when you want to find and buy a movie about this, amazon will help you find and buy a movie about this - "sheep"

the most targeted spam i've ever received

this is spam, right? paul, are you out there?

manmoney

thanks to wealthymen.com, i will now be able to "meet wealthy men and beautiful women" and experience a "higher caliber online dating experience".  that's what i want to hear when i'll be meeting online strangers face to face - the word "caliber".

choosing from the teaser shots of those in range of seattle, i'm most in immediate permanent love with "drfeelgood005" (top center), especially since he's 86 and his photo "proves" he's a catalog model, since that's where it was swiped from.  he's the l.l. beaniest!  dig that herc'n neck muscle.  yum.

for a pure romp, how could i go wrong with "tkok1" (to the good dr's right).  guess his kok is shaped like the letter t, when he holds it that way.

below him is "proczak" of the green drink.  is it midori?  scope?  poison?  and is proczak the kind of prozac you buy off of craigslist?

bottom left is a weird mel gibson squish known as "mibsen".  maybe i should change my name to a squish of mel gibson apologist jodie foster.  joster.  it's psychedelic, in a lesbian closet case kind of way. 

my last gasp attempt would be "5914hannah" (bottom right).  i'm just concerned he's already 4hannah.  what would be left 4me?  a cowboy hat and an empty wallet?  what the hell am i supposed to do with those, a midnight cowboy impression?

beefcake cheesecake meatcake

translates as "so you do not go bathing..." which says to me "wear our duds and you'll be so busy looking sexy and having sexy sex you won't ever swim."  a more effective ad communicating the same point would have featured a nude model.  not more effective in selling swimwear.  more effective on me.

even the pair of olives are siberia-sized.  siberia is bigger than texas y'all.

look closely.  this meat is cake and this cake is meat.  plus mashed potatoes and ketchup.  taste bud cognitive dissonance.

most insignificant piece of pop culture effluvium ever

on a recent episode of my life on the d-list, kathy griffin went on a temporary diet to drop pounds for a star magazine article hawking the kathy griffin diet.  this included eating broccoli, which made her horribly ill, turning her stomach into what she termed "the perfect storm".  she noted that broccoli is a silent killer, second only to heart disease, and asked her then husband matt for tums.  which by the way the manufacturer of tums is super rich because how do you ask someone to get you just one tums?  when you say get me some tums, they get you more than one.  next thing i try to sell, i'm adding an s to it to move more than one at a time.  such as "would you like to buy my peniss?"  so he gets her the tums and everyone moves on with their life.

well now cut to kathy in a smart little antacid commercial.  "my friend told me try this...i told him no it's too rich...just try it he says...so i tried it...then i ate the whole thing...and i was sick to my stomach...so i took alka-seltzer."  alka-seltzer as in not tums.  yes i know her show was probably filmed pre-alka-seltzer contract so they didn't know to match up the product placement, but still kathy is confusing me.  is it tums for her precious d-list stomach, and alka-seltzer for those of us on the e (as in everyone else) list?  why aren't i good enough for tums?  why does kathy want me to suffer?   and most importantly, could there be any pop culture dissonance that is less significant?

worthless

the death of pretty

never let your makeup be done by someone with pink french tips hawking a "survival of the prettiest" kit because you'll end up looking like teri hatcher on quaaludes.  and for a paint by numbers kit ms. french tips sure goes far out of the lipline, which i know is a makeup trick to create a fuller lip look, but in this case all it creates is a nestle strawberry quik moustache.  i love hsn.

too bad this company went out of business

dress-up chaos

speaking of

can i borrow $10,000? cause i really want to buy picard's pants. 

speaking of picard's pants, here's a ytmnd pulled from that next generation episode where picard's dna reverts to pubescent.  pubescent is a horrible word.  more horrible than oprahescent, yet not quite as horrible as schwartzeneggerescent.

speaking of oprah, i saw the legends ball behind the scenes special, or a quarter of it, cause i love that christine show with julia louis-dryfus, plus there's only so much gayle king oprah winfrey lesbian tension my tv set can take.  and  can someone explain to me why mariah carey, who is worth at least a quarter billion, would get excited over the gift of diamond earrings?  unless she was happy she didn't have to buy a present for her podiatrist anymore.

speaking of lesbian tension, last night i was trapped on a bus right after the seattle storm game let out.  seattle storm = wnba = lesbians = one damn loud bus full of women with short hair scowling at me because i have a shaved head and they were jealous and hateful because they can't shave their heads like they want because they'd get fired from their jobs as investment bankers.  this is not a cheap shot.  this is true.

speaking of cheap shots, my friend's boyfriend said that you can always tell it's seattle storm season when all the hot dog stands outside of key arena disappear, cause of you know the whole phallic thing.  he says they should be replaced with taco stands, which is the cheap negative beyond cheap shot.  so i says to him i says, no they should replace them with stands selling letter v jell-o molds.  nothing misogynistic about jell-o.

speaking of letter v jell-o molds, i just know bill cosby is eating pussy right now.  he's wearing a sweater and eating pussy while that tacky yet somehow not campy old navy madras commercial is blaring.

speaking of commercials sparkle, glitter, twinkle, shimmer and if you don't infomercial hostess kathy mitchell will slit your throat while you sleep.

5 post title options

• benetton ad knockoff makes readers of men's health uk edition pause momentarily.
• proper british consumerism vs the gauche chinese military/government complex.
• what do you get for the tank who has everything?
• is this man asian and is he dead now and did he get paid?
• oliver sweeney is an asshole.

instant gratification always never

home shopping network is now live on the world wide internets, which it was before but now it's mac compatible. won't you watch hsntv live with me? requirements include "a high-bandwidth connection" and a love for adjectives and action verbs. suzanne somers is all about hsn and hsn is all about suzanne somers. book my skybox now. the bangs aren't fooling anyone, suzanne. your forehead is courdoroy.

instant gratification is important although i don't know what it is. perhaps it involves the genre-mixing dirty construction worker with the skateboard chowing down on his snickers bar who i saw today on the bus. perhaps it involves the insistent stranger who was angered by my not immediately letting go of one of one of my handholds as i stood in the aisle, all seats taken - since i wanted the bus to stop before i risked it all, let go, and let him pass. i've been wrenched around on a bus before by stop short drivers and even one who started the bus as i was getting on. should have filed a claim on that one because my shoulder hurt for a week. the cranky instant gratification seeker crowed that it's a public bus and that i have issues. and i said it's a public bus that i'm holding on to. if i had my way, he would still be on that bus. i think a part of him always will be. i made sure of it.

black holes are cute as hell

for a relatively long time now, verizon has been claiming they are "the nation's most reliable wireless network" driving that advertising bullet point home tirelessly. verizon=reliable, the way volkswagon, which is killing everyone's psyche with these commercials now which show everyday conversations in cars interrupted by graphic car accidents and shocked but okay thanks to volkswagon passengers, the way volkswagon posits that volkswagon=safety. volkswagon=safety. because their cars (and no other company's) are made of metal.

happy happy blank blank

hey, say i'm the owner of an online german sex accessory emporium - lube and vibes and this confusing "oral trainer". why what would i call my website? something slightly classy yet fully derivative of monopoly and pirates like "pleasure chest"? or something painfully reverse punnish like "toys in babeland"? or how about something in reference to groups of jewish women used as sex slaves in nazi concentration camps, which was later a name assumed by some modrockers who while not totally anti-semitic were really pushing it with that name.  yeah that's perfect.  i'd name my site joy division.de!  i imagine it came down to this or hogansdildos.de, which they didn't go with because of bob crane's gruesome death, which makes me want to know - what is the sound of one pervert dying? and what the hell is an oral trainer? does it block everything but the clit? cause if that's the case i was born with one on and it can go now.

"the world's first intelligent shoe"

the adidas_1 1.1 is billed as "the world's first intelligent shoe". it "senses your every step", "understands that your needs change when you move faster or slower" and "understands that your needs change when the ground gets harder or softer", among other special effects. but could not every other sneaker that's ever existed be said to operate not on "intelligence" but on the much more important in the scope of evolution "instinct", thereby negating the need for an "intelligent shoe" in the first place?

my asics aren't "intelligent" but the laws of physics and chemistry determine the behavior of their assorted components. rubber knows what to do and rubber changes what it does based on if i'm running on grass or pavement, if i'm walking away or running away from a gaybasher, if i'm doing double dutch or have been abandoned in the vacuum of outer space. it changes based on most every little thing that could change. earthworms may not be "intelligent", unless you believe in james and the giant peach as i do, but they know how to get the job done.

i do wear smartwool brand socks, but that company uses the word "performance" not "intelligence" and their socks don't cost $250 a pop or even $20 a pop. if i want something wrapped around my feet that, as adidas claims, "senses" and "understands" my needs, i'll get a foot fetishist.

ulti-meat vs ulti-meat

tuesday tuesday

could nbc stop saying shani davis is the first african-american to win an individual medal at the winter olympics? yes he is the first to win an individual gold, and sincere bravo, but debi thomas won an olympic bronze in figure skating in '88.  celebrating historical achievements is wonderful.  erasing them is awful.

speaking of torino, do jews have a shroud of turin equivalent? maybe a handkerchief of hoboken that was actually used by shecky green to wipe his brow during a gig? not to say shecky green is the savior.

unsafe, insane and non-consensual

wore a new shirt today, the perfect expression of personal and professional. black on black patterns are where it's at. so's 20% off of $95. damn, did i spend that much?

this is the ultimate showdown, featuring the music of they might be giants-esque lemon demon.

also with a lemon demon tune, it's the most mashed-up mash-up ever ever ever.  i said ever.

can't find a picture of it anywhere online, but i have to say i adore this bus ad that's rolling around in seattle right now for lonely planet. says "do something great for your country. leave."

international male catalog copywriting overkill

lacoste goes softcore

when did lacoste go from making the short sleeve pink shirts with the green alligators to a playfully erotic nudie male fragrance commercial? perhaps this commercial is the first of their efforts to launch the new look of the "xxx prep". i approve and promise to show up to my next yacht christening in bass weejuns, argyle socks, and nothing else.

laloo's ice cream packaging is beautiful

$6.99 a pint might be worthwhile just so i could stare at this hypnotic packaging all day long in 3D. no matter that i don't eat ice cream or drink goat tit juice.

cavity creeps and blossom blossoms

when an ad agency is lazy and/or stupid and the target audience listed on the media brief becomes the product name:

of course toothpaste does not care about the sex of one's teeth, just the sex near one's teeth, such as if one recently gave head to ronald mcdonald and have red and white face paint all over one's teeth and tongue, in which case there isn't enough toothpaste in the world. since this product turned up at one of the natural groceries i go to, i have not been the only one to express confusion, sorrow and near anger at this abomination.

the packaging just lists lots of standard natural ingredients and that the product "balances, cleans, protects and whitens...naturally". therefore the only conclusion that can be made from these minimal clues as to the women's toothpaste rationale is that women are unbalanced, unclean, need protection and whitening, and are unnatural. therefore this is a sexist and racist toothpaste and to reduce confusion may has well have been called bushbrite, which i guarantee is not taken. they could put it right next to tranniepaste - the toothpaste that makes your sex match your gender, whatever those may be. sign me up for the first tube because sometimes i don't know what i'm looking at in the mirror.

in a tooth related story, braniac math neuroscience degreed trumpet player smile addict ex-child star of "beaches" and "blossom" mayim bialik had a baby. perhaps she can now be the stage mom lanie kazan played to her young bette midler in "beaches" in real life. or just teach the kid math. i used to be awesome at math and wish i'd had a stage mom, so i'm rooting for the young bialik to be all about the show biz and all about the math. why not have it all? the more geeky performance jews there are in the world the better.

purist hatbox comfort height toilet

text by kohler. design by a fussy gay design lord on high.

"With its clean, minimalist design, the Purist Hatbox toilet opens the door to a new era of possibilities for making piss statements in the home. Innovative, tankless piss Power Lite™ technology provides exceptional piss performance with a .2-hp piss pump. Additionally, a Comfort Height™ piss bowl and Quiet-Close™ toilet seat ensure piss comfort, piss hygiene and piss safety. The Purist Hatbox toilet coordinates with the Purist Suite of piss products, which helps transform the bathroom into a home piss environment.

Purist K-3492-0 Hatbox Comfort Height toilet with seat and cover in White. Purist K-14444-G toilet tissue holder in Brushed Chrome. Piss."