ultranow

alaina alexander is desperate for gay fans

if you're an ex-american idoler, can't sing like kimberley locke or frenchie davis, but crave a gay fan base, whatever do you do?  well if you're alaina alexander, who made it only as far as the top 24 last season, you lend your voice to a video on those murdered by homophobes.  watch it here.  yes, i am that jaded that i think she's doing this not because she's anti-homophobic murder, but is purely seeking the gay market.  shockingly, she can actually sing, but then i was crying so loud i could barely hear her, because the video includes a clip from that jenny jones episode where a guy had a surprise crush on another guy, which resulted in the crusher being crushed by the crushee with total murder.  seeing that tiny clip was so sad.  i really miss the jenny jones show.

blake lewis moment

ew.com is asking crazed fans to vote on which cover to go with for the american idol winner.  as for the blake lewis options, i go for the one on the right.  can you tell why?  i know you can.  the blown up reason is after the jump.  though maybe jordin sparks has one too.  i never really looked.

kimberley locke is not corey hart but she's close enough

i love ai alum kimberley locke's upcoming performance schedule:

june 1, masque nightclub
june 2, parliament house
june 9, alburquerque pride
june 9, sidewinders nightclub

is there a night she goes out when she's not surrounded by screaming or drag or leather or cowpoke queens?  even during her upcoming celebrity fit club gig on vh1, she's got ross the intern as a cohort.  the lady (i don't say girl when i've heard someone's a lesbian) has her career path down: adult contemporary with remixes available, hitting both the gay and closet gay markets.  and of course the lesbian market as well.  yum, right?  wonder if her alleged girlfriend calls her kimber.

you can hear the remix of her new single change on her myspace and pre-order her new cd based on a true story.  oh geez, i'm linking to an ai related myspace.  i am so 15 years old right now.  of course if i were really 15 again, i'd have a phone cord wrapped semi-tightly around my neck while contemplating my lack of a future, only to be saved by corey hart's never surrender.  see cause that's what i was doing when i was 15.  now do you get why i need to hear a song called change?

american idol boycott: day 2

i know my boycott won't last.  but at least for the cattle call humiliationathon episodes, i'll take a pass.  i still have a bad taste in my mouth from taylor hicks.  until him, i thought salt and pepper hair was uniformly erotic.  plus i'm sick of watching all the (as perceived by the non-esteemed, stinking rich judges) freaks, fairies and fatties get the boot.  and i'm frustrated by the people they won't even show in the first place because if we were to see them we'd so want them to win and they would win but they don't fit the right marketing demographic so they never even make air. 

they pick the four or so people they could handle winning, then stick a couple dozen or so schlubs around them who even if talented wouldn't shine in comparison to the chosen four.  it's a big focus group we pay them to be a part of, with time, energy, and advertising dollars.  when it gets to the top 12, maybe then i'll watch.  i guess.  i like to see what's being forced down my throat.  now since i'm not a star i need to go and do my laundry, cook dinner, take out the trash, and watch the janice dickinson modeling agency, a show with no morals or values (such as those desperately implied by the word american).

ryan seacrest plain and tall

so no way he's 5'10" right?  okay the "in heels" part is mine and okay people magazine may have put the wrong height on purpose to feed into the whole ryan seacrest has a napoleon complex thing and get people talking about their hottest bachelors issue even more.  but more likely he or his publicist lied or knew of the lie.  and most likely people magazine made ryan stand against a west hollywood fern bar doorframe to get measured and ryan s. perched on his tippytoes screaming measure me already dammit before his calves collapsed from the 10 pounds of hair gel on his calf hair.  oh well, whether 5'10" (fraudulent) or 5'7 3/4" (more accurate), he's still taller than semi-lookalike cameron of the semi-unknown bratz boyz line in his toyko-a-go-go outfit.  you just know ryan owns the whole bratz boyz collection.  finally something i can respect him for.

katharine mcphee crotch

so once i mentioned ai contestant katharine mcphee and already had the words crotch and other naughtyties on the same page and now i'm the destination for katharine mcphee [insert body part here] searches. so what can i do but give in and provide what some dear browsers desperately want - proof of ways people got here to show you're not alone followed by proof of crotch to show katharine's crotch is alone, unless you count the mike stand.

black holes are cute as hell

for a relatively long time now, verizon has been claiming they are "the nation's most reliable wireless network" driving that advertising bullet point home tirelessly. verizon=reliable, the way volkswagon, which is killing everyone's psyche with these commercials now which show everyday conversations in cars interrupted by graphic car accidents and shocked but okay thanks to volkswagon passengers, the way volkswagon posits that volkswagon=safety. volkswagon=safety. because their cars (and no other company's) are made of metal.

which is the most horrible ex-american idol contestant site?

dishonorable mention: www.dianadegarmo.com. most recent tv appearance? "1-25-04: the ellen degeneres show". though to be fair i did see her on the insider being interviewed by kathie lee (epstein) gifford because she's in hairspray right now on broadway. but is it too much to ask her to update her site from her failed music career to her semi-budding broadway career? can't she at least get a myspace like k-fed? i think his mouth, penis and cornrows each have their own myspace. oh well diana, lose to fantasia and you lose to the world. p.s. love the page title "under construction". catchy.

2nd runner-up: www.alanritchson.com. dude who played aquaman on smallville (and caused a stir among the types of gay blogs that auto-publish pics of shirtless, wettish, youngish blonds) thinks he can sing and that people will care. but as evidenced by what happens when you click the shop link on his site, he needs to get the water out of his ass, which is much more vivid than saying ears. he wasn't event a top 24 contestant, just shucked his shirt on camera and worked the room (i.e. paula abdul). gong!

kelly clarkson's inescapable headshot

will kelly clarkson never escape her psychotically over-airbrushed, over aggressively hair streaked, over hide with a latch hook sweater what the music bosses perceive as her too big down home chin, first album cover? american idol music contracts can only be escaped and transcended if one is a huge huge hit and the music company sees some profit in letting a performer be herself finally in both image and song. so thankfully kelly's look is much more relaxed and deep now, if still pat benatar derivative. i should write comcast.net (the homepage where this image is still lurking) and remind them that kelly has updated her look to reflect reality and that all previous images should be burned.

kelly clarkson is bloodrayne?

dead blogging the grammys

8-9pm grammys look suspiciously like american idol. wait, this can't be the grammys - paula abdul is talking. paris bennett. katharine mcphee. mandisa hundley. taylor hicks. you're on your way.

9-10:50pm grammys look suspiciously like the final two episodes of african american lives.

10:51pm christina aguilera kills it with herbie hancock. reports to the contrary, she hasn't collagened her upper lip. it's as simple and real as ever. and she can sing.

to be honest, i did channel flip a few times...

8-8:03pm animated gorillaz sucked.  madonna sucked.  cbs sucked.

9somethingpm kelly clarkson held her purse higher than her grammy award. that's a girl after my own heart. don't leave your purse unattended, people! kelly and i know.

9somethingpm keith urban has sexy arms.  and a purty mouth.

9somethingpm mariah sure tries hard.  she can sing but she needs to stop flapping around.  she looked like an owl being electrocuted.

10somethingpm paul mccartney should be euthanasiaed.  excuse me, that was rude.  sir paul mccartney.

11:07pm someone thanked g-d.  is there some award on a higher plane where g-d is thanking this grammy winner?  that's a no.

11:09pm deathroll time.  oh no!  robert moog died last year.  bwahhh wippaaa qwiiiiii.

grammys aren't over but i'm switching to a simpsons rerun. i can't take another vcast commercial. i don't want to watch tv on my cell phone. probably because i don't have a cell phone.

state of the union address hangover cures

need to cleanse your palate after bush's drivelicious teleprompterrific state of the union lie-fest?

• pay military men to appear in your own homemade pornography which will end up getting them and you investigated. this is surprisingly easy.
• fall asleep on the bus and end up in a magical suprise universe where the president is a bunny and a bunny is the president.
• write a letter to the editor of your local newspaper complaining that brokeback mountain isn't sexually explicit enough, specifically that there should have been [insert new word for unknown implausible sex act here].
• watch double happiness starring the on cusp of superstardom sandra oh. damn it's good and a solid reminder that no matter how messed up the world is, there's plenty each of us can work on within ourselves to make our individual worlds better. sandra oh is so present in every role, like a meryl...like a sally...like a...sandra oh.
• start studying now for the national spelling bee. it's this kind of obsessive intellectual focus that will make the outside word invisible, except for all the words which describe the outside world. if in your next life you come back as a genius spelling child, you will need to have started studying in this your previous life to have a chance at winning the nsb. what, you think you're going to pull these national spelling bee winning words out of your ass? well maybe 1940's winning word "therapy" but not 2004's "autochthonous".
• pay complete attention to everything the government does and says and does but doesn't say that it does but really does do. hold government accountable and view the media with a critical eye. and think that the fact that bush mentioning the just passed away coretta scott king in his speech is so horrendous because of who he is and what his administration does and how tokening it is and that she isn't even buried yet so doesn't have a grave to roll over in but she would if she could. so the best thing to do is live more by her ideals of peace and justice and liberty for all.
• and if none of that works, clearly you must douse yourself in overwhelming amounts of american idol, dancing with the stars and skating with celebrities. it doesn't really save the world but it kills enough brain cells to get you through the night.

jennifer hudson's second 15 minutes of fame

unfairly axed american idol 3 belter jennifer hudson finally has a gig that's not on a cruise ship!  jenhud has been cast as effie in the dreamgirls motion picture (it's a talkie!) and though frenchie davis was my first choice this is still awesome news. if they had given it to semi-skinny ai winner fantasia, who was reportedly up for the part, they may as well have gone with maxi-skinny sarah silverman.

jenhud's rendition of weekend in new england killed on american idol 3, enough for homojew barry manilow to ask her to open for him on a few shows, proof that hudson + manilow = booming contralto passion and verve.

if she'd slept with paula abdul, jenhud would have gotten farther in the show, though maybe jenhudabdula happened and that's how paula got her life threatening "finger infection" she claimed was from a nail salon. keep rooting for frenchie though. those tits will not be denied.