ultranow

the perfect buttfuck exercise machine

yeah there's an english version of this and a full horrible informercial. below is just a clip. but this gets the gist of the obscene motion. my favorite bit of the full informercial is them going to a gym and having people do regular ab exercises and complaining that the regular exercises don't support their neck and that their arms and backs hurt and waaaaahhh. hello, what supports you during those exercises is your core, stupid. you can't convince me a guy with massively defined abs can't handle hanging ab raises. hell i can do massive numbers of pike ups (ok 50) and i don't whine.

but like any commercial they have to define the problem before they can swoop in and fake solve it. i just love the butt wagging. that's what life is all about. if you want to see the full one, go to abcirclepro.com. no i'm not making that a link. you'll have to copy and paste it yourself. i don't want to be fully responsible for your brain numbing. just partially.

the weekend was fabulicous

because i:

• met a miniature poodle named mr. cuddles
• had molly moon's ice cream for the first time
• saw adventureland
• witnessed a guy/princess at the seattle eagle bitch into his cell "can't hear you. they need to turn down this fucking music!"
• hung with a flirty banker/porn actor
• shined in my singing lesson

ok it wasn't all roses and peaches and pears and kiwis, because i also:

• learned my jason statham adoration has its limits, aka transporter 3 (is it possible to un-netflix something?)
• married and divorced the shamwow guy
• again didn't say hi to a guy i want to say hi to at the gym though to my credit maybe i don't want to say hi just look from afar because he never smiles and i only find vulcans attractive in outer space

i can tell bodybuilding is working for me because

my jeans are tighter in the legs than ever. kinda how the incredible hulk's jeans threaten busting the seams as he turns from bill bixby to lou ferrigno. except i'm not angry. or green. or bill bixby. i am nearing my goal of meeting the body standards of the 1986 international male catalog. except for the jew thing. they were not into that. now if only i could get my hair to feather like '86.

workout: pumping house

need some energetic beats and vocal inspiration to keep your workout pulsing in 2009 or just want some music to fuck by? your answer is the pleasure packed new cd workout: pumping house. now i've been busting my ass at the gym since august (packed on a bunch of muscle thank you) and this collection reminds me i need to mix up my tunes just as much as my exercise routine. since i can't count on my gym to play exceptional house (which by it's very nature takes me back to my late teens early 20s high nrg days) i need to fill it in with my own soundtrack for my own body. here's my skinny on selected tracks:

• workout - rupaul (tony puccio remix): nice smooth way to start. ru's vocals are yummy and fierce lite. this house has character and 40 inch heels. later ru build it up with a harder looking good, feeling gorgeous mix. rupaul is still a dance music superstar dammit.
• mindbuster - jocelyn brown and oliver cheatha (frankie c radio mix): hello 1979 with a time machine trip to future music technology. how come house duets never seem that heterosexual? oh yeah, cause they're not.
• that sound - brinsley evans ft. sy smith (funky junction and antony reale radio mix): she's got a great semi-scratch to her voice. it catches just right with the mix. faster faster. lift in time. legwarmers not required.
• found a cure - plaza people: this is my new cardio anthem!
• do you like my body? - the lollypop gang (audiophreakz vocal radio mix): reminder that at least 49% of the reason you're working out is to be more fuckable, or at least look it. "i see it in your eyes you want to dance with me..." oh yeah, gyms are also for cruising so replace dance with date and you're set for a social life of possibility and hope. just be nice cause you'll see him at the gym again.
• ding dong (pick up the phone bitch) - cell phish (money and fun club mix): thick beats get in my brain good. stay a bit longer at the gym. workout loud. workout strong. your body is your body is ready to move ready for more weight. hypnotized by this workout house.
• one nation - darrell martin vs. paul cortes (groovepusher mix): we're all a family on the workout floor. all reaching for our own perfection. oh you don't need to look like the guy on the cover of the cd. you knew that right? still this music will help you feel that desire to be your best self and workout: pumping house gives you the tunes you need to help make it happen.

p.s. if you get the hard copy (from amazon for example) you get a 7 day pass to bally's. plus both the 2 cd set and the mp3 version features an over hour long megamix perfect for interval training.

amazon | itunes | official site

i'm ready for my nightclub comedy act, mr. demille

michael jackson turned 50 today. in related news, his face turned 2. thank you ladies and germs.

(which by the way ladies and germs is a rare instance of non-sexism. i mean the saying could have been germs and gentlemen. wouldn't have been such a stretch from the girls have cooties myth.)

crotch mystery

today i walked past this emergency room on my way to x-files 2 (which by the way it sucks for these reasons: david duchovny has no acting ability; no budget; no aliens; no writers; no car chases; no intrigue; no explosions; no jason statham with his shirt off; no no no no. the only thing it had going for it was a hilarious villain babbling in so fake russian because they couldn't afford a language coach. and a gratuituous shot of a george bush picture while the x-files pied piper theme came up in the background, feeding into the whole george bush is a reptilian humanoid theory.

but before i even got to x-files i saw a guy race walk on his way into that emergency room with a big bag of ice in one hand and grabbing his crotch through his jeans with the other. he looked extremely pained. then a few steps behind was his identical twin. no not another guy holding ice bag and crotch, but his actual biological twin.

so did his twin kick him there? did a bunk bed collapse? did they have some sort of sex accident? did some race of reptilian humanoids do an experiment on one and leave the other alone like one would a control group? why do i wish i'd taken a picture because it would last longer? and when will kermit and miss piggy finally do it? stay tuned.

queer virginity lost ... twice

in 1991, thirtysomething was going strong on tv, meg ryan was still bearable, and being 30 seemed a million years away. 1980s retro hadn’t hit yet and i was dating this guy primarily because he had air conditioning and lived downtown, plus the whole crush thing. he looked like john ritter, did aerobics and read “what color is my parachute?” like it was the bible. (p.s. his parachute was torn) so in my low rent west philly apartment with wall to wall linoleum where when it rained water leaked down the wall over an electric socket, i frenched a man with the shades thrillingly open. then I laid back on my futon and let “mistah do his business" color purple style. business=grinding.

it was more a queer nation activist, scare the neighbors thing than about my actual pleasure. that was reserved for falcon videos with my favorite 1980s porn stars (i love you luke bender!) and the voyeuristic joy of my ivy league university locker room. i’d lost my mental queer virginity 10 years earlier when this kid spencer and me were playing with his pet mouse and spencer mesmerized me by letting the rodent crawl up one leg of his adidas shorts and out the other over and over again. i hadn’t wanted to be a mouse that much since i'd read beverly cleary’s classic tale “the mouse and the motorcycle.” vroom!   

golden girls tattoo moment

question: on whom and on what part of that person's body is this tat? 

answer: tommy lee, dick

abs through the ages

aggressively historically reductive yet amusing video on abs through the ages [via nytimes]

what's he looking at in amazement and adoration?

he's looking at himself in amazement and adoration because he loves his body and i should love my own body and i do i do i do and you should love your own body and you do you do you do.  see what he loves after the jump.  see what you love in the mirror.