ultranow

yo details magazine

i didn't subscribe to you so why are you here? was it my purchase from one of those men's underwear websites that somehow you just know that you want me in your demographics? but how can i be a willing participant in the details world takeover when #1 ashton is on the cover (hated it! not two snaps up!) and #2 you have this stupid shit caption under a big picture of the inventive and sincerely wonderful robyn:

"Her 1997 international hit Show Me Love got Robyn labeled as Sweden's Britney."

um, dumbasses: see britney didn't chart until hit me baby one more time in fall 1998. all robyn got labeled as was a teen popstar. and i remember robyn performing on showtime at the apollo, what had been and is to remain a britney-free cultural institution. in 1997 britney was giving birth in the bathroom at prom.

britney spears blah blah blah

on the off chance that since this is a gay blog there's an expectation of occasional britney spearsness, since i really don't have anything to say about her i haven't already, here's a montage-a-google of "britney spears disaster" which ought to cover it.

why britney spears creates mass cultural anxiety

nouveau riche white blonde famous young people are supposed to have perfect lives, especially as they appear on the surface, if not deep down.  she does not have a perfect surface life.  and though not relevant to all, is also not perfect deep down.

nouveau riche white blonde famous young people are supposed to create envy and desire and drive self-hatred based economy.  she is only driving paparazzi economy (which includes cnn). 

mass cultural anxiety about britney spears is easier for individuals to write off as silly than mass cultural anxiety about war, health care, the economy, etc. which people are more likely to avoid feeling in the first place because that type of anxiety cannot be written off except by the most self-deluded.

maybe she sells less records because everyone sells less records because of piracy but it's easier to have mass cultural anxiety about britney spears than to have mass cultural anxiety about destruction of intellectual property rights.

britney spears creates mass cultural anxiety because it seems as if britney spears creates mass cultural anxiety whereas in reality mass cultural anxiety exists independently of britney but without britney what it may attach itself to is harder to digest than britney and by digest i mean destroy and make room for another britney.  which is why after we pay attention to massive horrifying global and national issues, it takes britney to wash it down.

the only thing that will stop this cycle is making genuine progress on issues of most importance.  hope and progress.  then britney can go back to just being britney and not be so tangled up in our collective need to escape the world.  then britney can go back to just being britney and not be so tangled up in our collective need to believe perfection is even possible and that happiness eludes all but the nouveau riche white blonde famous young people among us.  i don't need to believe.  i don't believe.  i don't need to escape.  i don't escape.

p.s. in case you're wondering, i'm busy getting my ph.d. in britneyology.  i already have my masters in joan collins engineering.

jamie lynn spears is totally totally totally, um, pregnant?

this doesn't matter because it's not about britney except i tagged this post britney because jamie lynn is a nobody.  unless britney is the father or kevin federline is the mother or however that works.  she's 16, y'all.  and unless it's a total hoax, it's real, unlike her hair color(s). 

she's all starring in zoey 101 on nickelodeon.  these teen pregnancy things are only supposed to happen on degrassi so i don't know what's going to happen to zoey.  hopefully it will be replaced by some episodes of three's company, though it's that lax attitude as promoted by jack, janet and chrissy of santa monica, california which cause teen pregnancy.  that and penis juice.

i just hope if she leaves it in a dumpster that it's a really nice dumpster.  lots of bling.  maybe a big friendship bracelet on it.

and for goodness sake, i hope she doesn't get too fat, because if she gains weight during pregnancy and keeps it on after, she'll be a poor role model for rich, teen mothers.

or did britney sabotage her sister's condoms or birth control pills to take the heat off her own life?  this would ironically make it about britney though it's technically not about britney.

did britney spears post a comment on my blog?

though i now moderate all comments (yo if your "name" is a racial epithet i'm not publishing you! and yo slimfast spam, i'm also not publishing you!) i did just publish the comment by your pathetic on my post britney spears is dead.  this simultaneously anti-gay, pro-britney rant brings me back to the days of nightmarific phyllis schlafly. where music and  gay-bashing unite.  does this mean britney's gay fans have abandoned her so much what remains are homophobic lunatics who can't spell?  possibly the mystery commenter is britney herself?

britney spears is dead!

sorry, just practicing.  maybe better headlines will be:

• britney boo hoo
• britneys spears's dead
• britney! spears! dead!
• mars needs britney spears dead!
• brit coffin to have it's day in the sun
• heaven's latest resident loves chewing tobakki
• britney spears dead one day, then alive the next, then dead again

this is horrible.  must stop.  can't stop.

• busted behemoth bumpkin britney buried below before billions

alternate britney theories

forget the post-partum depression, new divorcée, alcoholic, jealous of christina/mariah/madonna/gwen, never stretched her wings theories.  try these.  i bet one is spot on, like when you have a list of conspiracy theories one of them has to be right.

• realizing each album she makes sells less then the previous one, she has chosen a tabloid income and is being paid under the table for each exploit, not just by the national enquirer, star and us weekly, but also by mainstream media like nbc and cnn.  interesting how there ends up being a photo of every painful moment and each is so to the limit.
• michael jackson has taken psychic possession of her body.
• britney has been dead since 2002 and everything we're witnessing now were pre-recorded alternate endings never meant to air, like those shot for the friends series finale.
• britney is actually 15 years old so all this is normal.
• she is trying to develop alt-punk-rocker cred in order to fill the wendy o. williams spot.
• kabbalah made britney crrrazy.
• britney's together and the rest of us are totally fucked up.
• pon'far
• she got tired of being fake.
• money doesn't make people happy.

constitution of the united states of britney

we, the people of the united britney, in order to form a more perfect britney, establish justice, insure britney tranquility, provide for the common britney, promote the britney welfare, and secure the blessings of britney to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this constitution for the united states of britney, which so reads:  stay in fucking rehab already you psychotic sack of human lunchmeat and it's not even real rehab you're bouncing in and out of it's promises which is like the club med of rehab so go to fucking betty ford or go to a hospital and stay there for weeks and weeks and weeks because i hate your cheap wig and i hate your post-career career and your kids need you to get better and then go home and buy them things like children's books by celebrities and organic cookies by non-celebrities and a new cd by you which you wouldn't have to buy but would have to make see i'm not angry at you i just can't believe with so much money that you can't get help at least pr help my goodness please get out of the news and don't do another reality show or die just get out of the news now and get some help from people who want to help you and don't just want your money dammit.

exercise for me(n) only

so i went to a personal trainer 9 times in december and waxed about it halfway through in things that hurt.  and it did.  but then it didn't hurt as badly and i recovered more quickly each time and began to notice improvements, not that i'll be appearing clothesless here anytime soon.  i am definitely an exhibitionist but only at home with the blinds drawn and the lights off and my eyes closed.  now i've joined a gym and have started working out on my own as in sans trainer as in the only people around me are grunting busybodies and i'm one of them.

today was my first day at the new gym and i pushed myself about 85% as hard as my trainer had which by some misinformed math means it will take me 15% longer to reach my goals which by the way i don't have any specific goals besides being stronger and healthier which i already feel.  so it's not about attaining certain measurements meaning i don't plan on hanging a weight from my dick but if i did i'd hang the 22.5 pound dumbbell because i like saying dumbbell because it's so how they threw shade on leave it to beaver.

the gym is not the enemy.  it's just work.  it's just tough.  and then i go home.  the best part was being too lazy to change back into my bacco bucci low boots so i wore my blue black ben sherman pants with my white asics sneakers, like diane keaton wore a skirt and sneakers in baby boom for her commute and basically every woman did too in working girl except melanie griffith whom i think wore stilettos on the subway.  since i haven't name brand dropped enough, let me add the socks were smartwool and the underwear was sweaty.  though sweaty is not a brand.  it's a lifestyle.  okay, calvin klein red band because they're comfortable and mr. ck is not rich enough.

while i was doing this, the media was still obsessing about britney spears falling asleep in a vegas nightclub on new year's eve.  or maybe she passed out drunk.  i don't care.   it's just to distract us from the real issues - wars/occupations, the fda approving cloned food, and kathy griffin being banned from several major talk shows because people are afraid of her.  now i need to eat organic chicken and broccoli and yams while wearing american apparel sweatpants and t-shirt.  this would be a good deal more pretentious if i'd mentioned dolce & gabbana once.

britney spears lacks vagina pride

now that the internet has actual britney spears vagina shots due to her recent sans panties clubkidding, the fake ones can take their rightful place in the digital shitpile.  more than one entertainment news pundit blared on about how disgusting britney's display was, how she's a role model and has kids and shouldn't be doing this, how she's out of control as illustrated by her hanging with paris and lindsay, and blah blah blah how britney is evil.

and britney herself has apologized on her site, feeding the vagina shame bandwagon.  bet she got paid for the victoria's secret plug.  she should have held out for a la perla endorsement.

so nobody is saying what should be said, which is:  there is nothing wrong with vagina.  there is nothing wrong with britney's vagina.  there is nothing wrong with seeing britney's vagina.  there is nothing wrong with pantilessness.  vagina is magic.  vagina is power.  vagina is body.  body is beautiful.  dammit.

i'm just getting started...happy holidays everyone!

avi

in defense of k-fed

why we all beefing with him?  when he beefed with britney, he says he needed to clear his head and go out with the boys/girls/booze/whatever.  flee the situation like a real man flees a situation.  britney beefed with him because of his husband failings but why we all beefing with him too?  i defend him to the utmost.  and here's why.

• when he smokes in front of his babies, he does his best to keep the smoke from blowing directly in their faces, so they'll only get half baby asthma.  okay that was sarcastic but i had to work it out of my system.  now i will truly defend him.
• he rocked the cornrows 10 times as good as bo derek ever did. unfortunately 10 x 0 = 0, but don't tell him that.  another dig.  i swear i want to defend him.
• he sucks a mean dick.  his own.  well that's just true.
• now he's free to fuck over some other x-factor but nothing else starlet.  might i suggest dana plato?
• leeches help with blood clotting during surgery, should britney ever be in such a need.
  
• now britney can be a lesbian.  the girlie kind.  lipsuck lesbian britney dating farrah fawcett.  it'd be just what farrah needs to help her through the colon cancer.
• playgirl k-fed countdown begins now.  that has to be the only reason britney was with him, right?  he's packing, right?
• he's takes it up the pooper real good, the only catch being the girl's celebrity penis strap-on has to be the custom designed keven federline model.
• best thing i can say in defense of k-fed is that he's dead.  to britney at least.  soon to the rest of us.