ultranow

the shameful horrid tragedy of being #50 on the models.com top 50 male models list

poor jesper lund.

"i only sleep with democrats" - the t-shirt

view the whole slide show, of which this guy is but a sample. now do they make one for socialists?

[tip from heretic saint]

subtle spread leg preppysexuality

it's the return of the preppysexual (as first catalogued 2006style).

the gorge armando cabral

photo by greg kadel.  didn't britney wear this getup once?

fashion do fashion don't

i wore the same outfit three days in a row.  and not some soccermomtrash sweatsuit.  i'm talking the right shirt.  the right pants.  the right sneaks.  and no magic happened.  until today.  the third day.  i was on a reverse fashion boycott.  i wouldn't change until the world changed for me.

and today i found it.  everything i've been afraid of is what i need to do.  because the fear doesn't go away.  ever.  it simply exists.  the first day i tried to ignore the fear.  the second day i tried to push away the fear.  the third day i co-existed with the fear.  it was the same fear each day.  the fear that looks for what in the world it signifies.  the fear that is always there and looks to the world to match up with something.

saturday was a day to fear men.  sunday was a day to fear sex.  monday was.  monday was.  the fear remained unassigned.  it simply was there.  an old friend.  neither powerful nor powerless.

so i won't wear the same outfit tomorrow.  the world finally saw me.  saw my shirt over my chest over my heart.  saw my pants over my underwear over my cock.  saw my sneaks over my feet over my forward motion and over my standing still and simply co-existing with the world as myself and myself as the world.

new euphemism for long penis

see. legwarmer.  has it caught on yet?  how about now?

why did google scan the fall 2002 undergear catalog?

google catalogs beta (no i never heard of it either until i stumbled upon it just now) has the undergear catalog for all to see.  now why someone wouldn't just go to the undergear website instead is beyond me, especially since the undergear catalog google has up is from 2002 back when kelly clarkson was busy auditioning for ai.  guess google wants to control the gay world's view of gay underwear and this proves it.

they also have the footsmart catalog and i don't know what that proves.

you know you're in seattle when

1. you dress in your shittiest clothes from a homosexual perspective for a letterpress class because you don't want to get permanent ink on your bestest clothes and it ends up making you look like a heterosexual hipster.

since this isn't a 1986-era barnes & noble bookstore counter impulse mini-book titled "you know you're in seattle when" i'm stopping at one.

most creative men's underwear commercial ever

evil deep link to the video because i can't be bothered to download and host.  be patient for it to load.

janice dickinson is a rhymes with kabuser

i hate the janice dickinson modeling agency.  in the same episode this season she berated a photoshoot director for touching one her models (the woman was adjusting the model's arms because the model could not take verbal direction and was stiff as 2000 year old paste) then later janice slapped one of her models across the face because he'd gone out the night before drinking and she could smell it on his breath.  he was doing an underwear shoot at someone's cheesy l.a. pad.  i applaud him for not bringing meth to the set.

besides the irony that she left a red welt on his face in the middle of a shoot, she proved herself a hypocrite and abuser.  plus she berates people for being too heavy and when they lose too much weight to the point they're unhealthy just keeps sending them out on auditions.  plus she forces people to reveal personal struggles just for camera, not as their own form of chosen self-empowerment.  she berated a cutter last episode and made her cry.  she didn't get her help.  janice's show is going to be the one where a reality personality finally dies on camera.

my favorite revealing part of each season is where the models talk about having been on vacation during the summer, meaning the agency is only active while filming the series.  summer, l.a., hmmm, think there's any gigs they're missing?

yet she still gets on people if they sign up with multiple agencies, as if she's a real one.  where is her damn agency website?  her shitty myspace and out of date model profiles on the oxygen website don't count.  the tattoo shops on l.a. ink and miami ink are real and year round.  sure they choose who to put on the air but they're doing business the whole time with people who never get on the air.  plus most of the jobs janice pulls into the agency are only there because of the added exposure they get by having their photoshoots be filmed for tv.  it's called product placement.

yet i watch it because it's the cheapest male flesh going and somehow even more exploitative than pro wrestling.  so i hate janice, but i don't feel the same about her models.  like this guy who got a [brand of underwear left out because janice isn't paying me] gig. he's all "take the picture already and pay me.  i can only keep a straight face for so long."

snap judgments on all 7 male make me a supermodel finalists

in this new show on bravo, aka gay stereotype tv, there are 7 women too, but i just got over the last antm, so i can't go there yet.

as for the guys...

ben has shiny calves.  he's a shaved warthog who just stepped in a puddle of lube.  he's a knockoff of that guy named yes from road rules, semester at sea.  why do i remember that?

sisley so nasty

even their logo, the simple black strip with white text, reminds me of the black bar put over someone's face to protect their identity. now what the hell do they sell?

nico, no not that nico

of those currently on the models.com top 50 male models list, my favorite is #15, nico.  because he looks like a girl.  a so over it, don't fuck with me, how much for those damn shoes girl.

jaslene gonzalez sorta making it after america's next top model

she's currently a spokesperson for love is not abuse and she's riding the almost too sexy edge for lot29.  more pics after the jump.  what the hell is she holding here?  some goop ass sugar straw?

owwww / i'm scared / i know what's in the pants but what's in the bag? / is he drinking a fanta? / i think you can get those at american apparel

the only thing missing is a vagina scrunchy

via find of heretic saint, it's vagina uterus fallopian tubes adorableness. ltsfw. (like totally safe for work). at least to look at online, if not to wear. get 'em at www.harveyandeileen.com.

street spandex buddies

two more after the jump.

clinton, not hillary, the other one, no not bill either, the other one, the first name one

i love clinton on tlc's what not to wear.  stacy london too but clinton of course is the bestest just because.  oh i swear i saw him in seattle once.  i know it was him because he had a cell phone, green sneakers and hoards of shopping bags.  plus it really looked like him.  i regret not dropping to my knees and you know.  so just now on the show, of a totally from hot topic black and pink checked pleated miniskirt this wannabe fake goth fake punk 24 year old mess dj from phoenix was non-rocking, dreamboat clinton said:

"this is the kind of skirt you see a woman wearing in the west hollywood bus station. she gets off the bus wanting to be a star and a week later she's got track marks and lice."  then he threw her skirt in the trash.

p.s. is track marks one word or two?

qvc beule (german home shopping bulge action)

oprah is a sign of whatever the opposite of apocalypse is

oh did i forget to mention i was taking a blog-cation?  for, um, a week and three days?  well i did and i'm back.  so much has changed.  i missed the whole rosie o'donnell sex tape thing, the whole spaceship crashing into the white house thing, and the whole "man killed by rainbow" viral video that's everywhere, like a virus of some sort.

blame it on a new netflix membership.  suffer, local neighborhood video store small business!  that and not having anything to say for a bit. 

so i found an oprah magazine abandoned in public.  i asked the closest person if it was hers and she said no so i grabbed it and proclaimed to her:  "it's a sign.  there is something in this magazine that will change my life!"  i've scoured the pages (scoured means skimmed, right?) and i believe i've found it.

between the article "the miracle worker" on sjp's admirable cheapo multi-sizo bitten line, and queen latifah opining "like any girl whose body is changing, i felt unsure of who i was becoming." (uh, you're becoming queen latifah...duh!) between those pages was why i found the magazine, or more precisely, why it found me.  and i quote:

"now mcdonald's puts nutritional information on many [not all] of their products.  so i don't have to wonder [but could still worry] about the quality and nutrition my kids are getting at mcdonald's.  foods like chicken mcnuggets made with [not "of"] white meat, fresh crunchy apple dippers [dipped in what?] and calcium-rich low fat milk [full of bovine growth hormone].  compared to a lot of the foods my kids love at home [like captain crunch and legos?], mcdonald's is a great [cheap] choice.  i guess that's why it's called a happy meal."

why is this a sign?  because i know for a fact that i can see through spin a mile away, which means i'm pretty darn unfoolable by some man again, which means i'm ready to date again.  thanks, oprah!

hideous shirt i can't afford on a non-hideous man i can't afford who is especially non-hideous from the waist down i can't afford

after the nsfw jump, of course.

my tombstone would like totally say...

i've uttered this so many times at checkout counters, it needs to be my epitaph:  "i don't need a bag."

my goal is to preempt the whole paper or plastic question so as to reduce the labor of the clerk.  in addition, i enjoy not needing something.  i do so much self-deprivation but with things i shouldn't deprive myself of (sleep, water, the sexlove combo) that it's a nice change to deprive myself of something (such as a hurtful to the environment bag) that i should deprive myself of.

alternately i do need a bag to be buried in (i should live to 120), in which case i'd prefer the one after the jump.

he's got the look of spring leading to summer leading to sweat leading to shirts off leading to joy leading to tragicomedy leading to hope leading to gay is good especially in the spring leading to summer leading to the look of gay is good again

hung white tuxedo dork

after the nsfw jump because of the hung part.  i tweaked the contrast and sepia-ed it a little as a subtle tribute to 300, now soaking theater audience members in cgi blood and encouraging the release of sex juices from theater audience members due to the ridiculously extreme and unacknowledged male flesh exposure.  oh by the way, 300 is light on plot and emotion, unless you count "aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" as plot and emotion.  consider it drag queens and elephants versus rough trade.  i was rooting for the elephants.

non-oscar fashion worn by a nobody

the beginning of modeling

i hated this but i love jennifer hudson's cover shot, or at least don't hate it.  how'd a woman over size 2 slip past vogue editor anna wintour?   perhaps she was distracted with berating someone for eating one too many tic tacs.

the end of modeling

i understand the theme of this year's sports illustrated swimsuit issue is music.  i understand beyoncé is pretty or beautiful or whatever jay z says she is.  i even understand sports illustrated is not vogue.  but for goodness sake, can't a damn model be on the cover?

what with jennifer aniston angelina jolie christina aguilera kirsten dunst and whoever damn else who is not a model on the cover of most all the strict fashion mags, much to tyra's discontent, at least si always had a model chick, mostly of the super variety.  now miss b nails the cover, which is great as far as racial representation, but what about an opportunity for a non-white model then?   at least peta nemesis beyoncé wasn't wearing a mink bikini.  that was just when she went out to dinner after.

update: the beginning of modeling

tube sock r

kinda nsfw so after the jump, though you really can't see anything, except for glorious tube socks.  oh...yeah.

his pop art tie is telling me to look somewhere but where?

find out after the nsfw jump.

diana ross happy happy happy

with all the diana ross looks skillfully recreated for beyoncé's deena jones in dreamgirls, why ever didn't they recreate this one?  possibly the assumed peta membership of the muppets precluded them from working with fur purveyor beyoncé?  i don't care if it's just fur trim on one of your house of dereon outfits, lady.  animals still had to be killed for it.

to keep things even, here's a tip for those of you who wear real fur and get vandalized by protestors wielding buckets of blood.  just say "you know how many fake animals had to die for all that fake blood?  murderers!!!"  i guarantee befuddlement.  and befuddlement guarantees are not offered lightly in this world.

back to the picture.  in case you're not sure, diana's the one whose uvula you can't see.

it's all about the color red

it's all about the hair

i can't quite tell if these guys are gay or not

exercise for me(n) only

so i went to a personal trainer 9 times in december and waxed about it halfway through in things that hurt.  and it did.  but then it didn't hurt as badly and i recovered more quickly each time and began to notice improvements, not that i'll be appearing clothesless here anytime soon.  i am definitely an exhibitionist but only at home with the blinds drawn and the lights off and my eyes closed.  now i've joined a gym and have started working out on my own as in sans trainer as in the only people around me are grunting busybodies and i'm one of them.

today was my first day at the new gym and i pushed myself about 85% as hard as my trainer had which by some misinformed math means it will take me 15% longer to reach my goals which by the way i don't have any specific goals besides being stronger and healthier which i already feel.  so it's not about attaining certain measurements meaning i don't plan on hanging a weight from my dick but if i did i'd hang the 22.5 pound dumbbell because i like saying dumbbell because it's so how they threw shade on leave it to beaver.

the gym is not the enemy.  it's just work.  it's just tough.  and then i go home.  the best part was being too lazy to change back into my bacco bucci low boots so i wore my blue black ben sherman pants with my white asics sneakers, like diane keaton wore a skirt and sneakers in baby boom for her commute and basically every woman did too in working girl except melanie griffith whom i think wore stilettos on the subway.  since i haven't name brand dropped enough, let me add the socks were smartwool and the underwear was sweaty.  though sweaty is not a brand.  it's a lifestyle.  okay, calvin klein red band because they're comfortable and mr. ck is not rich enough.

while i was doing this, the media was still obsessing about britney spears falling asleep in a vegas nightclub on new year's eve.  or maybe she passed out drunk.  i don't care.   it's just to distract us from the real issues - wars/occupations, the fda approving cloned food, and kathy griffin being banned from several major talk shows because people are afraid of her.  now i need to eat organic chicken and broccoli and yams while wearing american apparel sweatpants and t-shirt.  this would be a good deal more pretentious if i'd mentioned dolce & gabbana once.

bringing style and sophistication back to ass

thank goodness

• thank goodness saddam hussein has been executed for now the world is forever without violence.
• thank goodness rosie o'donnell and donald trump continue their war of words about miss usa, bankruptcy, morals, body type and hair for now the world is a classier place.
• thank goodness gerald ford is dead for now the two botched assassination attempts he experienced in the '70s weren't botched at all - they just took awhile to kick in.
• thank goodness the janice dickinson modeling agency season 2 is premiering in a couple of weeks for now we can likely watch her be transphobic again while wearing a "gay friendly" t-shirt as she was to claudia charriez in season 1.
• thank goodness, as many a critic has opined, dreamgirls has "reinvented the movie musical" for now an american in paris, the wiz, cabin in the sky, jesus christ superstar, west side story, it's always fairweather, singin' in the rain and xanadu can be burned.

the miracle of cotton

andreas v tempelhoff is hypnotic

or maybe it's just my rahm emanuel fetish acting up again.

why did this ever exist?

an attractive man can outshine even the tackiest of swimsuits

especially when he takes it off (after the jump).

playgirl fashion spread psychosis

the fashion director for this september 1973 playgirl fashion spread was none other than mr. blackwell.  he of the worst dressed list.  bet beyoncé would love the first number for her house of dereon line, what with all the fur.

click to blow up each pic, if you can handle even more of the (non)glamour.

p.s. look up to fall.

porn fashion roundup

in case you're deposed meth buying but not trying, gay prostitute massage getting but not fucking homophobic evangelical loon ted haggard browsing this at church on your laptop, the porn fashion roundup is after the jump.

p.s. the only place you won't read about ted haggard's henanigans is in the news page on his own site.  now that's damage control.  the one big remaining question here is if the word i possibly just invented "henanigans" will now take off.  probably about as well as "himbo".  speaking of himbos, time to look at the porn after the jump now.

worst halloween costume ever to the max

there is so much that comes up in google when searching for the worst costume, such as a toddler dressed as hitler, bill maher as the stingrayed crocodile hunter, drunk priest with fake stuffed boy strapped to crotch, and joy behar as joy behar.  but when it comes to worst, i'm a purist.  there can be no irony, no humor, nothing but simple, pure disappointment and waste.  congratulations sir.  you are the worst of worseness.  you are...not so good.

stretchy stretchy jockstrap

on a bitter bitter man after the jump.

memo to a pornographic neophyte

don't recline upon schizophrenic couches - schizophrenic people yes, couches no.

68 is 1 shy of 69, even if it's a rainbow 68, and what the hell is the fashion significance of a rainbow 68?  please don't tell me it's for some tragic "if i add one we can have 69" opening line at the gay sock hop carwash rodeo.

french blue banana hammocks are so never.

powder your nose.

stop praying.

this incidence of bad pornography is the best thing you'll ever do in your whole life.  be proud.

red white blue and sleepy

old man pants excitement

the preppysexual in its natural habitat

short shorts and rubber gloves - always a keen look