ultranow

the next michelle kwan?

14 year old caroline zhang served notice at this past weekend's u.s. national figure skating championships that the hype around her is deserved.  usfsa will probably force down this youtube video soon (they have with others from nationals) so if you missed it, now's your chance.  marai nagasu, another 14 year old, won and rachel flatt, 15, was second.  both were great but caroline's expression was from the heart and that matters the most.  plus she climbed from 7th after the short to 4th.  tremendous.

borat good

this not full review borat.  it good movie.  me deeply consider launch internet hoax that me jewbashed at movie theater full of people riled to anti-semitism due to borat edgy archie bunker style humor and they don't get joke and then hate the jew and i look the jew so i get hit.  it would make top of cnn say does borat go too far and i have black eye to prove.  i then be fine www hoax on world and sacha baron cohen career destroyed and only true sasha cohen with work career then is figure skating sasha cohen.  but i like movie so no hoax.  make it like rocky horror the picture show and wear the jew horns to theater.  i start this trend.  all must do.  not bash borat i.  it funny.  he funny and naked.  i like funny and naked.  me done supporting viral marketing assault of borat.  it hit anyway.  don't need me to make it bigger.  borat good.  win oscar.  but first oscar must kill all jews who vote for oscar.  then it win big.  best naked man in elevator with the strangers.  it win good for that.

gay gayness gay gay gayness on ice

ignore the flash flood warning in the bottom left of the video and the fact that it is currently june and simply understand that figure skating exhibitions are as gay as double h e double double hockey sticks, such as in this irina slutskaya cotton eye joe cowpoke tribute.

even when there are no men involved except in the song lyric, even when there is a layback spin boob shot, even when professional wrestling tries to outgay it at every turn, figure skating exhibitions still reign as gay supreme, as massively gay as a pink picnic basket full of aqualube and cucumber sandwiches being devoured by gay ants each wearing six gay rainbow legwarmers they stole from the gay store on the gay street in the gay neighborhood in the gay country on the gay continent on the gay planet in the gay solar system in the gay universe known as liza minnelli's apartment.  damn, now the video can never be as gay as i've set it up to be.  would you believe gay as in gay ole time as in light and fun?  well it's definitely that.

'70s inventions

in the '70s i mastered bernadette's weird arm thing, made a battlestar galactica mothership replica out of legos, and wrote a letter to jimmy carter asking him if he was still a peanut farmer now that he was president (to which in response i got a color booklet featuring pictures of amy carter giving a tour of the white house - where does her junior sized gold velvet smock dress end and the plus sized gold velvet curtains begin - nobody knows). however i never really invented anything. i wasn't an original. i wasn't the first late bloomer jewboy fagboy nerdboy in the suburbs. i wasn't the first kid to play dungeons & dragons, though i did have the very first edition when it was all booklets, not even books, to guide one along through group hallucinatory adventures.

i did not, unlike someone i met later in college, get famous as a kid actress on broadway for a hot minute for the line "give me the fucking keys", which is pretty damn funny when said by a 9 year old moppet. i did see tony randall at a museum once. you know the most amazing thing about seeing a famous person in public? they're just standing or sitting or talking or eating or doing nothing. nothing is happening. this is because "famous" is an adjective not a verb. they can't be standing there "famousing". if they could, that would really be something.

i didn't star in bad news bears, though i would have been perfect in it. i was only so-so at four square - the lemon drop got me every time. i could only recite pi to the sixth digit after the decimal point - less if i got punched in the face halfway through. i wasn't the only kid to have a star trek phaser squirt gun. i probably wasn't even the only boy who wanted to be nadia comaneci (as seen in the olympics and the leroy neiman series of olympic posters available through mcdonald's at the time), though i did have the best nadia pose in gymnastics class - arched back, hands straight up, i'm perfect attitude. yes that's it. i was the best boy nadia comaneci of the '70s.

no medals. no perfect 10s. no magazine covers. no bela karolyi giving me a bear hug. just me in a pose in gymnastics class at summer camp. feeling good. feeling strong. last night after her perfect short program performance, figure skater sasha cohen said to herself "this is me". i could read her shiseidoed lips clear as day. "this is me". said to herself after a triumph. in the '70s this is me. in the '00s this is me. i am in the same pose. presenting myself to the world. open. accepting. joyous. read my lips. this is me.

tuesday tuesday

could nbc stop saying shani davis is the first african-american to win an individual medal at the winter olympics? yes he is the first to win an individual gold, and sincere bravo, but debi thomas won an olympic bronze in figure skating in '88.  celebrating historical achievements is wonderful.  erasing them is awful.

speaking of torino, do jews have a shroud of turin equivalent? maybe a handkerchief of hoboken that was actually used by shecky green to wipe his brow during a gig? not to say shecky green is the savior.

unsafe, insane and non-consensual

wore a new shirt today, the perfect expression of personal and professional. black on black patterns are where it's at. so's 20% off of $95. damn, did i spend that much?

this is the ultimate showdown, featuring the music of they might be giants-esque lemon demon.

also with a lemon demon tune, it's the most mashed-up mash-up ever ever ever.  i said ever.

can't find a picture of it anywhere online, but i have to say i adore this bus ad that's rolling around in seattle right now for lonely planet. says "do something great for your country. leave."

the russian man cleavage of roman kostomarov

aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

i just wanna fuckin' dance.  which is true because if i don't take dancing lessons again (it's been years) i will burst.  i knew i watched dancing with the stars for a reason besides being jealous of stacy keibler's legs, if i were a girl that is, which maybe i am. i really have no idea. anyway, i'm going to take beginning ballet because among jazz, modern and ballet, all of which i've taken a bit of, ballet was my favorite. except for the moment in modern where the instructor told us to dance our names. so it's beginning ballet for me. i mean fuckin' beginning ballet.

#13 and #6 are my favorites.

so if sandra bernhard died in ghana i guess she'd be buried in a custom made ghanian coffin shaped like either irony or love.

oh, and aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! go sasha, kimmie and now emily i guess. i'll get over it and be cheering when it's time for them to go on. for now, i feel like tonya harding nailed me with a hubcap to the neck and got acquitted by reason of the jury was afraid of her.

johnny weir, are you queer?

presenting the soon to be classic flash in the pan made by moi garageband virgin truthtelling cry for attention paul lyndesque retro '90s queer nation semi-celebrity non-snarky most unnecessary outing of all time mini megamix johnny weir, are you queer? (josie cotton vs ultranow).  i'm the fag everytime josie says queer.  the big fag.  and johnny's the queer.  the big queer.

1-2-3

single lutz

double toe loop

triple camel toe

michelle kwan and al parker - together in a blog post for the very first time (probably)

i can stop holding my breath because michelle kwan has been named to the u.s olympic team. after being unable to compete in nationals due to injury, she had to perform her short and long programs for a special panel (as had nancy kerrigan in '94) and they thankfully determined she's olympics ready. so now the olympics can officially happen, because i don't know what we were going to do without her. after all, she's already in all the promos. that said, i hate the nationalism of the olympics. i seriously root for everyone to do their best and i hate the "go usa!" coverage. isn't it supposed to be a way for nations to gather in a peaceful (albeit competitive) community spirit? instead nbc fills the airwaves with profiles of u.s. athletes instead of showing non-u.s. athlete's performances and acts like it's all about medal count. oh and i just remembered my two most hated words every olympics - bob costas. his sincerity makes me sick. i say get kathy griffin to host everything. 2 hours 55 minutes a night of clay "gaiken" jokes with 5 minutes of "so and so won...so and so won...now back to gaiken!"

evan lysacek vs johnny weir

i've been thinking so much about the is johnny weir gay question that i've let u.s. national silver medalist evan lysacek slip from my consciousness. fact is, he's sexier than johnny, an equally good if not better jumper and spinner, and a strong stylist in his own right. plus he earned the bronze medal at last year's world championships while johnny came in 4th, and unlike johnny, evan has a reliable quad jump. and also unlike johnny, he's not due for a talking to from u.s. figure skating officials for some expressive drug analogies.  squeaky clean, cheekbones of death and tons of personality - evan is my future boyfriend.

still johnny comes through with the soundbites.  on getting up the morning of the free skate:

"weir said, he awoke from a nap in a panic. i was like, 'is this really happening? should I even get up?' it's hard. [but] slowly, i started to get ready."

"i put on my self-tanner and went from there."

oh to be johnny's self-tanner and caress his beauteous face and...oh fuck it, i want evan.

johnny weir is "the prettiest flower in the pond"

is 2 time u.s. figure skating champion johnny weir gay? he has a highly refined and balletic style, skin that's clearly courtesy of the finest all natural beauty products from nordstrom, is the first and only man to skate to swan lake, and is named johnny. not all skaters are gay of course (but he must be). in fact it was '84 olympic gold medalist scott hamilton who purposely wore a plain blue getup for his winning night because he was sick of how glittery and glitzy and "feminine" the costumes were getting at the time. i'm not saying scott hamilton was homophobic, but it's fucking fabric, not a sexual orientation. johnny however has no such hangups.

he's had a rough season until today, when he took the lead in the men's short program. if he nails his free skate, he's headed to the olympics. and the press will have to come up with even more code words for gay. here's the current sampling:

"he's as flamboyant as liberace but more competitive.  he's as tough as bruce willis but a better dresser."

wherefore art thou michelle kwan?

i'm still reeling from the news that michelle kwan has withdrawn from the national figure skating championships due to a nagging injury. though she's petitioning for one of the 3 spots on the olympic team as is her right, even if she gets selected she still would only be able to compete if she were healthy. it's not about her winning gold, though i know she thrives on competition. she's a 9 time u.s. champion, 5 time world champion and 2 time olympic medalist (silver and bronze). she doesn't need any more metal and ribbon. she does need competition to help bring out her best.

it's about her sheer artistry transcending the crass commercialism of the games. her beauty and power and line superseding the infuriating soft focus music video featurettes and incessant breaks in the action that are nbc's unfortunate olympic calling cards. and making irrelevant the generally annoying skating commentators. her daring performance of bolero at last year's nationals showcased her artistic bravado. i have never seen anyone do a solo performance to bolero. it's already sacred in the ice skating world thanks to torville and dean's 6.0 tour de force ice dance gold medal winning performance in '84, but to do it again and do it as a solo - incredible. her bolero was choreographed by christopher dean so it was an important moment for him as well.