ultranow

horrible

• horrible diy
• horrible product
• horrible person

p.s. okay the diy isn't horrible, just impractical.

p.p.s. okay the product isn't horrible, just ostentatious.

p.p.p.s. okay the person isn't horrible, just terrifying.

ben and jerry's renames chubby hubby to hubby hubby for september

ice cream that raises awareness about the freedom to marry! learn all about it now over on the ben and jerry's site. politics and food taste so good together. that said, i'm on a coconut based ice cream jag lately. vegan. low glycemic. but damn, knock yourself out with hubby hubby. or at least groove on the '70s hallucination packaging. and yes i looked close and the two dudes are of different skin color. hoping for even more diversity in ice cream, i'm rooting for the next flavors to be chubby tranny, grubby lezzie, clubby kiddy, and in a tribute to the language from zoom, ubbi dubbi.

bea arthur prepares seattle for her return

we all have multiple persona. i vacillate between accepting that bea arthur is dead and knowing in my heart that she's alive. of course, even if she's dead, it's temporary. so remember that scene in star trek: first contact where worf notes that the temperature controls on the enterprise have been acting all screwy resulting in a precisely warmer temperature shipwide and then picard recognizes the temperature and knows that there are borg on the ship because that's the temperature borg need? yeah i knew you remembered.

well seattle has been super hot last few days, almost 90 yesterday. and miami, home of the golden girls, is super hot as well. so it's clear to me that bea arthur is making seattle like miami to prepare the city for her rise from the dead. once she's back, i'll take her for some molly moon's ice cream. of course since i'm veering toward vegan, i'll get the vegan sorbet instead of one of those "worth coming back from the dead" ice cream flavors like salted licorice or balsamic strawberry. i hope, as she scarfs down her cone and blabs about her sex life, she understands. maybe i'll tell a st. olaf story to make her feel more at home.

p.s. this is not the only star trek bea arthur connection. there's that rumor that she was the slave girl with the massive beehive in the episode with the tri-color brains who were using the enterprise crew as part of some gambling games they were playing to amuse themselves. it's crazy for people to think bea was in that episode because she totally wasn't. boy, some people are nuts!

the weekend was fabulicous

because i:

• met a miniature poodle named mr. cuddles
• had molly moon's ice cream for the first time
• saw adventureland
• witnessed a guy/princess at the seattle eagle bitch into his cell "can't hear you. they need to turn down this fucking music!"
• hung with a flirty banker/porn actor
• shined in my singing lesson

ok it wasn't all roses and peaches and pears and kiwis, because i also:

• learned my jason statham adoration has its limits, aka transporter 3 (is it possible to un-netflix something?)
• married and divorced the shamwow guy
• again didn't say hi to a guy i want to say hi to at the gym though to my credit maybe i don't want to say hi just look from afar because he never smiles and i only find vulcans attractive in outer space

linkalicious

on december 10, call in gay to work and donate your time to lgbt community service. that's right, call in gay, not sick.

hey did you know how sad and ironic it is to read that racism is over since obama get elected when racism totally isn't over?

freeballin' on the beach.

give free food to those in need by clicking a banner at thehungersite.com. no really, it's free for you to give because your click adds to what their sponsors will then give.

amy poehler's web show smart girls at the party is so damn needed and perfect. it's also sponsored by mattel's barbie, inexplicably sponsored i should say because it's about little girls who are about more than skinny dolls. catch the episode with ruby. "smart girls have more fun!"

fierce oprah on a fierce motorcycle on a fierce cake

i feel honored to say i'm friends with the cake decorator who by the way had put the name after the happy birthday but i photoshopped it out to protect the innocent oprah obsessed. only thing missing (though not technically missing since customer hadn't requested it) is oprah's husband gayle in a sidecar. vroom!

do i boycott heinz?

because they made this gay ad for their mayo and aired it in england but then pulled the ad after a couple hundred protest phone calls from gay haters and whining by bill o'reilly?

or do i boycott heinz because i'm a vegetarian and "mum" gives his daughter an extra piece of ham?

or do i boycott heinz because the ad's not funny and i don't eat mayonnaise anyway?

conclusion: all i eat by heinz is their organic ketchup and i can't stop because it's the best ketchup ever but i'm going to eat less of it because giving in to anti-gay protestors is ridiculous.

vegfest made my day

on my way to vegfest, i'm waiting for the bus and see a kinda hunky short shaved head guy with a huge backpack and a gym bag and he's holding some book and reading out loud to himself so i figure he's an idiot who never learned to read without moving his lips.  as i pass by him i realize he's reading a bible so i figure he's an idiot who never learned to read the bible without moving his lips.  hey prayer is just dandy but absent a congregation or coven or whatnot, i'm not sure why it needs to be out loud in public.

how does flirting over cake turn into a horrible discovery?

so i go for a walk on christmas eve, or as it's known to jews - december 24th.  i'd eaten dinner already, felt cooped up in my apartment and despite the cold, just needed to get out.  the plan was to hang out with friends on christmas proper.  december 24th was going to be all about digital cable and non-digital food.

so i end up on a popular consumer strip where i knew some places would still be open and i wander into a shop that sold dessert among other things.  i'll treat myself, i figured.  i was absorbed in the cake display and told the clerk i needed more time, eventually asking him, with as much serious as such as a question could allow "do you have any cakes specifically designed for jews on christmas?"  to which he replied "oh, you're jewish?  are all jews as incredibly handsome as you?"  which blindsided me to the max.

i'm not entirely used to compliments out of the blue like that (though of course we all know i'm incredibly handsome, ahem, my body language is one of the most effective deterrents to human contact known to gay man.)  i'm also naturally suspicious, so i say "only those of us who are about to decide how big a tip to leave."  which is an asshole thing to say on my part, but it's what came out.

so he says he's not saying it to get a tip and he doesn't say that to everybody.  so i say "i'm the only jew in the world and i'm the best looking jew."  which gets into bizarre territory as attempted flirts go because it makes no sense and doesn't go with my first response.  so i then pick the strawberry white cake white icing with almonds (which is called a "gateau" on the little card).  i chose it because it looked suitably garish and decadent, especially in terms of the price.  continuing my fumbling, because he is handsome, i point out that gateau means cake, which i told him i figured out from the context.  off-putting body language is looking pretty good in comparison to this exchange.

he's still smiling though when he has me walk around to the register side.  he asks me my name and i say and then he tells me his, which sounds like, let's just say, a wwii related word.  then he goes to the back to get my slice, since he needs to leave the display case one alone for future garishness.

when he comes back i ask him the spelling of his name, because if it was what i thought he'd told me, it would have been a sleight on my person and jewishtacity.  he said, oh not that way it's [such and such spelling.]  we made a little more small talk, then i belatedly thanked him for the compliment and told him i was flattered and he said he was glad he'd at least learned my name and he hoped i stopped by his store again soon.  i felt he was sincere at that moment.  i walked home with my slice and it was good, especially the strawberries.  i thought of potentially better responses like:  "since your shop isn't crowded right now, do you mind if i stand here and flirt with you stupidly for awhile?"  though i don't know if that's really better.

waking up today, i felt good about a guy hitting on me, though i still partially felt maybe it had been for a tip or to fuck with me in some way.  but part of me definitely felt it could have been genuine and maybe i should stop by his shop again after all.  i resolved to talk to my friend about it later [today] and get some advice.  so i go over her place for christmas dinner, or december 25th dinner.  and by the way earlier today, g-d or mother nature or whoever was so cliché because it was snowing on christmas.  whatever.

because his first name was so distinctive, and because i'd learned the spelling since it was a homonym for something horrible so i'd asked, i of course googled him before i left for her apartment.  i found a myspace for a music group he's in, saw his face picture and everything.  so at my friend's apartment, i tell her the whole story up to this point, google him to get his myspace and before i click that, i scan down for other google results.  what i found is after the jump.  and it's not pretty.

ides of december everything at once in my head

• when tv alcohol ads include at the end "drink responsibly" that is a command telling people to drink, albeit responsibly.
• paula deen is not as fucked up as she used to be on home shopping, meaning she seems awake and coherent now.  perhaps previously she was nervous at the possibility of earning thousands of dollars a minute.  now she's fine with it.
• i've become obsessed with home makeover shows. flip this house, sell this house, gayify this house, whatever this house.  and not the kinds with the hunky carpenter know-it-alls.  just the ones with regular folks doing shit with hammers and such.  it's my new food network, but with wood and steel.
• food network needs to stop showing reruns of cooking contests from 2004.  if i'm to become devoted to the results of gingerbread competitions, at least show me the one for 2007, and live to boot.
• how will the writer's strike affect the relaunch of american gladiators and will the lycra to spandex percentage be the same as it was from that show in the 90s, or is it more lycra now, say closer to 15%?
• is hulk's wife filing for divorce just before the launch of his new tv show a publicity ploy to get people to watch american gladiators to see if hulk cries and watch the next season of hogan knows best during which the divorce issue and likely reconciling will be covered?
• why do i think heterosexual pornography is degrading to all concerned but homosexual male pornography is sacrosanct or at least the segment of it that i like?
• why is my life a constant battle between short term frustration and long term goals?
• when am i going to follow my heart and become a full damn fucking buddhist already instead of toying with it?
• oh shit, do buddhists get to swear still?
• can the late night talk shows please start up with fresh episodes again soon (sans writing staff) because without pathetically predictable boring jokes about the presidential candidates, people might start to actually pay attention to the issues, like that a republican jew is running for president.  and they believe in aliens.  they are a cult.  a crazy cult of christianity sent to the earth by alien babies plus they eat babies and have 40 wives and goldfish.  mitt romney is a republican jew set out to destroy this country.
• i mean mormon.  whoops.  and mormons don't drink coffee or alcohol so they can't be president anyway.
• and jews can't be president because, well, you know why.