again with the career drama. i've got so many things floating in my head and i keep waiting for them to sort themselves out but they don't and i don't think they will so i believe the point is that they won't. the fact that they won't is telling me something. normally i'd need to know. part of me still does. what will i do for a living after my current job. and it's a trap because the reason i think i need to know is because, well, it kinda helps to know that. i mean if i didn't have the exact branch of mcdonald's in mind, i'd never a get a job there.
remember the "oh my goodness" girl in annie? it was a rather unnecessary punctuation to a crisis situation. girl, we know it's "oh my goodness" time. you're an orphan in the depression, okay? so now it my unnecessary punctuation to a crisis situation. on the surface it's one of those faith in self right decision things. i reduced my hours at my job so i could focus on design school. add the fact that i do have talent (along with a million others) and it's not so crazy, right?
so i goeseth to an lgbt professional organization fundraiser yesterday evening. i thought maybe 30 people would be there, maybe 75. it was more like 225 and a half. the gallery was packed and the art in it mostly sucked but second to donating to the worthy cause, you know i was there to meet guys. what i encountered first was rooms of people in closed off circles, like the worst kind of gay bar. my speed is the kind where guys pose against walls, with more open body language. still i did a gut check and realized i'm simply not intimidated by challenging social situations anymore. so i just stood near some people until someone made eye contact and invited me in to their precious circle. he introduced me to everyone, and then 90 percent of them turned their backs to me but at least i talked to him. i believe he was straight and i believe he talked exclusively about work, which ironically it had not occurred to me would be a topic of conversation. eventually i moved on, met a really drunk and bitter guy, quickly moved on, then realized i was still intimidated to approach the absolutely most attractive group of guys (who knew pants could fit that well? was one of them an ice skater? would that explain his perfect ass?). when the fashion show bit happened (poor models didn't have a platform or real runway - it was all on level with the audience which while very 1950s department store doesn't show off the clothes to best advantage) i happened to be near a good looking guy who was america's next top model fluent so based on that and his being friendly and funny, and not actually in the field the fundraiser was for unlike me, i gave him my business card. considering it a successful evening, i vamooseth. two busses later (actual busses, not buss as in kiss) i was home and ready to collapse after what had turned out to be 13 hours downtown. exceptional long work day plus this benefit. it was a good day.
i don't care that i'm always running from something, never to something. i can't fix that life method so much right now and maybe running from is all i can do again. what i know in my core is i can't stand where i am and i need it to change and i don't know what the fuck to do and i need help. so whether you're a regular reader or not, please post a comment telling me:
what the fuck city i should move to?
what the fuck should i do for a living?
so your comment may look like: "devils lake, north dakota; jesus camp coordinator" (i just saw that jesus camp doc, okay, and that's where the camp was. p.s. that movie was soooo boring.)
let me add i live in seattle so that's out, not because it's awful, just because i've been here 13 years and i need a change and maybe more guys with dark hair. and as for work, let me add i'm at heart a non-commercial artist type, so the job just needs to pay the bills, have health benefits, not be too exhausting, and allow some type of people watching/life experience during it that could help feed my artist self some decent material for my off time. i'm not going to say my exact education or current job. and maybe i should try and be a commercial artist after all. that's up to you all to say. i'm clay.
or just forget that last paragraph and make something up. this blog ought to tell you something about me to help.
p.s. i'll tell you all what i end up doing and even though i'm a horrible risk taker maybe i'm not so bad at it anymore.
for a brief period in 1990, i was one of those door to door environmental fundraisers. and not one of the rich and glamorous ones decked out in l.l. bean just killing time until the next champagne kegger. i was doing it to earn money, lured by one of those mini-posters blaring earn $250-$400 a week or whatever was a lot of money back then. this consisted of showing up at 2pm, being forced to practice the pitch over and over for no reason, then being squished into an unfine car with other greedy do-gooders until eventually being dumped in the suburban wilderness with only a little photocopied map and a pickup time, which would generally be 3 hours. that's 3 hours of going door to door telling people that if they didn't give me money right then the pond in their backyard would kill them.
i was not good at this. i only once made my quota so i got no commission, just less than minimum wage which was substantially eaten into by the forced pizza dinners after some nights where though not hungry i was obligated to pitch in for. at this job i met a lesbian whose parents owned a tanning parlor, an asian woman who had sued the state university for their lack of assistance after she'd been racially harassed by fratmen (this involved spit), and the team leader, an incredibly attractive recent college grad who was a cross between mitch gaylord and a taller mitch gaylord. what brought us together was a shared love of they might be giants.