ultranow

man vs. wild's bear grylls gives himself an enema (no, really)

um. can seagulls blush?

machine wash separately in cold and tumble dry low

the weekend was fabulicous

because i:

• met a miniature poodle named mr. cuddles
• had molly moon's ice cream for the first time
• saw adventureland
• witnessed a guy/princess at the seattle eagle bitch into his cell "can't hear you. they need to turn down this fucking music!"
• hung with a flirty banker/porn actor
• shined in my singing lesson

ok it wasn't all roses and peaches and pears and kiwis, because i also:

• learned my jason statham adoration has its limits, aka transporter 3 (is it possible to un-netflix something?)
• married and divorced the shamwow guy
• again didn't say hi to a guy i want to say hi to at the gym though to my credit maybe i don't want to say hi just look from afar because he never smiles and i only find vulcans attractive in outer space

audio lol kittens

why star trek iv should be mandatory viewing for supreme court justices

hey it's okay for the navy to kill whales and dolphins. because national security applies only to humans. and because the navy is more powerful than mother nature. except of course when a storm hits. or rabid seagulls attack. or an alien probe comes in a few hundred years looking for humpback whales and they're all dead and earth is destroyed by the probe and...it could happen.

green porno courtesy of isabella rossellini

when i was in 3rd grade and people would ask me what i wanted to be when i grew up, i would say "i want to be an entymologist. not an etymologist. that's the study of words. an entymologist. the study of insects."  when an adult would ask that (most likely one wearing a "mostly mozart" or "mello yello" t-shirt), i'd get a pained smile for my linguistic trouble. if a kid asked me, i'd get a 5% increase in shunning, except on the rare occasion that kid was nerdier than me. ironically, my answer required some etymology.

well now i take back the entymologist thing because of these isabella rossellini shorts. i'm not sure how to emphasize that you all don't watch these, since i'm linking to them.  so to keep it simple, i'll just say don't watch green porno, all eight of them. oh yeah, there is an insect connection. and a vague slim goodbody one as well, due to the whole body stocking thing.  p.s. why did they take away her lancome contract?  she's fabu! yeah i know the lancome has a little mark over the o, but if they wanted me to put that, they shouldn't have messed with isabella.

disturbia: seattle edition (it's not just a movie)

so i'm standing at the bus stop on my way home from work.  bus is at the corner.  i hear a thud and look up to the bus poles (ours are electric so have poles to connect to the gridwires).  i figure they came off the wires, but they hadn't.  bus drives away, and as if a curtain is drawn back, what's slowly revealed in the center of the street is a beautiful black horse on its side, flailing around, her/his hind legs tangled up in the stupid fucking carriage harness for stupid fucking people who pay stupid fucking money for beautiful horses to motor them around seattle's boring retail core - "on your left is kenneth cole."  a horse and carriage ride in central park, i get. but in traffic?  breathing in fumes all day?  walking on pavement? no.

diatribe aside, the horse soon settled down into a collapsed mode after realizing it was impossible to (or being too hurt to) get up.  i saw 3 people, including the handler, pulling the horse by her/his neck trying to get her/him to stand.  the horse hadn't been hit by the bus, but had slipped and banged the bus on the way down.  how hard that hit was, i don't know.  but hard enough to make a loud noise and for me to see the bus shake.  best possibility is the bus helped break the horse's fall.

i step on to the street and tell them they shouldn't move the horse until they get help - like a vet.  the handler, an angry angry dyke (dyke part good, angry part bad), yelled at me that the horse was fine, just tangled up.  i yelled how did she know the horse was fine and if you fell hard would you want someone pulling you up by your neck?  she told me to back off, but then ironically the 3 stopped pulling the horse's neck as if they'd actually listened to me.  i don't know who the other 2 people were.

then the inevitable happened.  a peta devotee (black haired pale skinny young women in tight jeans) started severely screaming at them how they were being cruel to the horse, how the horse never would be in this situation if it weren't cruelly being used for profit, breathing in the fumes - basically all the stuff i was thinking, but my focus was on helping the horse in the moment, not making a political point.  that person eventually left crying after being told to fuck off by whoever was with the handler - one of the people who had been pulling the horse's neck.

the stupidest fucking reason ever to kill a tree

stupid reason stupid reason stupid reason.  stupid.  reason.

immature intermission from my regularly scheduled maturity

"Very strong growing, upright, thorny purple stems covered with a white bloom which is outstanding in winter. Attractive fern-like foliage, pale green above, white beneath. Small rose-purple flowers followed by bloomy-black fruits. Makes an excellent thorny deciduous hedge which soon becomes impenetrable to intruders."

it's the plant name that's nsfw.

come on in, the water is colorized just right