ultranow

do it yourself pornography

someone please photoshop a prom or wedding behind these guys and e-mail the pic to me because it is hard to fill in a porn script in my head when they are posing in a sears photo studio. i'd prefer to imagine miss pass out drunk drank too much at his senior prom and needs to be driven home by his best buddy and be undressed before being put in bed otherwise the rented suit would wrinkle and when his friend sees him passed out naked (still with his dress shoes on because that would be hot) red light action ensues. without a more natural background, i am forced to assume that in order to pay for their senior proms in real life, they posed like this for $1.98 each for a sears photo studio pornographer after hours.

cheers to ebulges.com for posting a million more ebay bulges, so i don't need to fill in the gap and search for myself again. though i realized i enjoy searching and sharing the spoils. so here's another one. this may be on ebulges too. i didn't have time to look through their entire new crop of pics. i believe i will continue to enjoy spotting the ebay bulge in it's natural habitat, the cold cruel world of sex motivated commerce.

capitalist anarchy

saw a $13,000 couch this weekend at a store i was barely dressed well enough to enter. higher backed than the back of your head black leather paradise surround couch experience. i used to live on $20 a week, but no matter how much i make there will always be things i can't afford so i now question my aspiration for nice things. quality is a bargain but $13,000 is not a bargain. i wish couches hadn't been privatized like everything else has been or is going to be. i wish there were lovely socialist couches for everyone in black or gray. therefore what would have to make the couch a success is the people sitting or making out on it. thankfully i am dressed well enough at all times for my 1980s white leather boat of a couch. it doesn't mind if i am without clothes of any kind. soon water and air will be privatized and $13,000 as well. hopefully i'm making $13,000 a minute when that happens.

fetish test

entrancement meter*
1-2 seconds = nope
3-5 seconds = maybe you're into this
6-10 seconds = you want this
11-infinity seconds = you need this

*because each picture may represent multiple fetishes, additional testing in future blog entries may be necessary.

feet or flexibility or speedos

cavity creeps and blossom blossoms

when an ad agency is lazy and/or stupid and the target audience listed on the media brief becomes the product name:

of course toothpaste does not care about the sex of one's teeth, just the sex near one's teeth, such as if one recently gave head to ronald mcdonald and have red and white face paint all over one's teeth and tongue, in which case there isn't enough toothpaste in the world. since this product turned up at one of the natural groceries i go to, i have not been the only one to express confusion, sorrow and near anger at this abomination.

the packaging just lists lots of standard natural ingredients and that the product "balances, cleans, protects and whitens...naturally". therefore the only conclusion that can be made from these minimal clues as to the women's toothpaste rationale is that women are unbalanced, unclean, need protection and whitening, and are unnatural. therefore this is a sexist and racist toothpaste and to reduce confusion may has well have been called bushbrite, which i guarantee is not taken. they could put it right next to tranniepaste - the toothpaste that makes your sex match your gender, whatever those may be. sign me up for the first tube because sometimes i don't know what i'm looking at in the mirror.

in a tooth related story, braniac math neuroscience degreed trumpet player smile addict ex-child star of "beaches" and "blossom" mayim bialik had a baby. perhaps she can now be the stage mom lanie kazan played to her young bette midler in "beaches" in real life. or just teach the kid math. i used to be awesome at math and wish i'd had a stage mom, so i'm rooting for the young bialik to be all about the show biz and all about the math. why not have it all? the more geeky performance jews there are in the world the better.

medical fetish origins - why not ask why

robert fuller as the caring baritone dr. kelly brackett on "emergency"

yes to dr. no as dr. no in "dr. no"

gregory harrison as dr. george "gonzo" gates in "trapper john, m.d."

harrison in 1981 as male stripper with a heart of gold john phillips in "for ladies only"

and in a full circle moment (oprah's new catchphrase) wayne rogers' overflowing crotch as the original trapper john's crotch

dirty thirty for 5766

as inspired by "michael tolliver's dirty thirty for '77" in "more tales of the city", here's my jewish new year edition. not that i'm practicing because i don't need to practice. i got it right already. if you want to celebrate rosh hashanah, get yourself some apples and honey and make your own dirty thirty. don't wait until january 1 because you'll be drunk then.

1. i will stop trying to convince myself i could date a smoker even though that eliminates 50% of otherwise eligible men.
2. i will ask if someone is single within 5 minutes of contact.
3. i will ask if someone has a cat immediately.
4. i will not flirt with a man who brings his backpack to a bar.
5. i will make passes at guys who wear glasses.
6. i will stop calling my friend and leading off with "my vagina hurts".
7. i will continue to eat an entire box at a time of oatmeal raisin pecan organic cookies and claim this is a healthy activity.
8. i will occasionally eat 80% of a tub of kozy shack tapioca pudding after a bad day which will make me feel worse which is fine sometimes, except for the next day when i only have 20% left which really makes me feel like crap but at least i have something else to feel crappy about besides what originally got me to eat the pudding.
9. i will continue to download porn pics and not masturbate to them even though i don't know why i do this unless it has something to do with capturing people's souls.
10. i will watch "star trek IV" several more times and love it every time, especially when chekhov asks 20th century strangers "where are the nuclear wessels?" and when scotty talks to the mouse saying "hello computer".
11. i will leave seattle for at least a week instead of never.
12. i will not join a gym but i will totally all the time use my fancy exercise equipment i bought. seriously i swear i will lots because i'm sick of admiring but not looking like all these millions of pics i download.
13. i will continue to base my music collection nearly exclusively on mp3 blogs.
14. i will clap my hands and say yeah!
15. i will stop insisting that my name is naima and i am america's next top model.
16. i will play hooky from work once to watch tyra's new talk show because we all know it's not going to last.
17. i will continue to boycott cable tv except at my friend's house where i will bogart the remote to watch home shopping network.
18. i will bring another living thing into my apartment for me to take care of - either a fish or an avocado pit.
19. i will celebrate when "will & grace" goes off the air without will being seen in bed making out with a guy which for all the people who think the show is so great what's so great about a sexless, depressed, overdressed kitchen queen with a heart of stone? if i wanted to see that, i'd look in the mirror! will's mirror because i don't cook. if he doesn't get thoroughly fucked and thorougly in love with some real gay character by the end of this pun-filled mess, not some celebrity stunt casting homoesque creep at the last second, then this show is burning in jewish hell, which doesn't exist but it's a nice thought.
20. i will begin saving for a condo. in italy.
21. i will take some sort of class in something because i don't really know everything yet.
22. i will either buy or sell something on ebay involving "customization" just to see what it's all about. a ziplock bag may be involved.
23. any chicken or eggs i eat must be both free range and organic, no exceptions.
24. i will build a city in the clouds that is free from hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, anti-pornography legislation, and republican gerrymandering. despite being in the clouds, it will somehow be impervious to avian flu. this cloud city will be called new newark.
25. i will make a sticker that says something catalyzing and affix it everywhere and it will make me anonymously famous.
26. more wire hangers.
27. i will teach fantasia barrino to read.
28. if i see any celebrity anywhere i will completely ignore them to the depth of my being, especially any who wear $500 ripped jeans, have had a #1 hit, or starred in a show on the wb.
29. except if i see jon-erik hexum because he's totally dead but i still have a crush on him so i would freak out. or david lee roth (see pic below) because he's sexbomb which is weird to say but he's jewish and can put his leg over his head and has a great ass and he can always get a haircut for me. i like trying to change people.
30. i won't try to change people or myself. i will just be myself and people will be people. we will all just be. this is not the catalyzing sticker. i'm still working on that.

ebay softcore mini-extravaganza

since ebulges.com has not updated since august i was forced to go to ebay on my own to find the handiwork of the latest crop of exhibitionist salesmen. on ebay as in life, less means more money.

didn't rita hayworth lift her gown like that in "gilda"?

speedos untied. let me help you with that.

of all the thumb ring wearing leathermen who sit on trashcans a la oscar the grouch, you're the dreamiest!

daisy chain of despair

purist hatbox comfort height toilet

text by kohler. design by a fussy gay design lord on high.

"With its clean, minimalist design, the Purist Hatbox toilet opens the door to a new era of possibilities for making piss statements in the home. Innovative, tankless piss Power Lite™ technology provides exceptional piss performance with a .2-hp piss pump. Additionally, a Comfort Height™ piss bowl and Quiet-Close™ toilet seat ensure piss comfort, piss hygiene and piss safety. The Purist Hatbox toilet coordinates with the Purist Suite of piss products, which helps transform the bathroom into a home piss environment.

Purist K-3492-0 Hatbox Comfort Height toilet with seat and cover in White. Purist K-14444-G toilet tissue holder in Brushed Chrome. Piss."

the pope visited my blog

my most recent visitor's info:

Country Italy
Region Lazio
City Rome
ISP Holy See - Vatican City State
Visit Length 3 mins 24 secs

shouldn't the pope be writing some diatribe against love right now instead of surfing queer jewish pop culture sex blogs such as mine and jacking off for 3 mins 24 secs? before me he was at queerclick and after me i bet he went to speedo guy. pope jacks off. film at 11.