ultranow

take me to the prom, you gorgeous blonde bastard, and by prom i mean orgasm

tuesday night to do list

• eat organic hormone free turkey meatloaf
• eat organic mashed parsnips and celery
• eat a bucket of hormones and toxins
• put vegan pumpkin pie in the oven
• mull over the likelihood of will getting partnered by the spring series finale of "will & grace" (i just accidentally typed "will in grace" which is a different show) and if he doesn't if nbc will be fagbombed or if anyone will even notice
• watch "the curse of the jade scorpion" because an assumedly mediocre woody allen movie is still better than 90% of the movies in existence
• eat as much vegan pumpkin pie as possible
• pass out
• wake up at 3am and eat more pie
• if pie is all gone imagine pie and eat my imagination
• buy underwear online (new not skanky personalized underwear from ebay)
• sleep soundly
• wake up screaming

happy pre-hanukkah! (sorry, it's tough to find non-christmas holiday imagery)

the mullet's raw sexual power will not be denied

patrick stewart is a pervert exhibitionist (okay he was just playing oberon)

a classic look for fall

uneducated bitter review of "harry potter and the goblet of fire"

great idea: "harry potter and the goblet of fire" in imax.

seemingly great idea: getting there half an hour early.

result: being almost last in line and therefore having to sit in the fourth row of a six story tall movie with dazzling special effects and innovative camera angles. not since my fifth row all the way to the left viewing of "reversal of fortune" have i been so in need of dramamine and reverse telescope goggles at a motion picture.

plus not having read the books, i literally had no idea what was going on at all even for a second so found the dramatic climax inadvertently hilarious like a campy sci-fi movie from the '50s where the characters are pointlessly reacting with huge expressions and emotions to nothing in particular. so i had to bite my lip to keep from hysterically laughing (and getting beaten up by girls with their faces painted like, like, like douchebag harry potter superfans) while people were dying and crying and screaming and glowing and whatever the hell wizards do when they're stealing my money. especially difficult to not laugh when harry said "my wand was connected to his wand" and when some evil guy without a nose screamed "nooooooooooooooooooo!" and when half the characters kept flicking their tongues like pervert snakes/melanie griffith in every movie she's ever been in.

and can someone please tell me what wizards do when they graduate high school? what exactly is the point? do they become magic butchers? magic proctologists? magic caterers? based on the rotten teeth of half the characters, i hope they become magic dental hygienists. at least the toys they'd give away would be cool. and the nitrous would somehow be more magical than non-magical nitrous.

all male all wet peepshow

formative 1980s softcore

browsing poster racks at the mall allowed me to get a male fix without revealing myself to be male obsessed. how long could i gush/take in these images before i just had to go to the next poster? no one was watching me browse but maybe they were and it was too much to keep looking. all that mattered was between posters of formulaic sensations heather locklear, heather thomas and flashdance were breaths of fresh male softcore. thanks to playgirl, the fitness craze, gq and the collective aura of a hundred million cock-craving faggots, a few images seeped into my consciousness. here's to you playgirl and international male catalog model brian buzzini. here's to you soloflex stud scott madsen. i want you to go into a dark closet together and play seven minutes in heaven. you gave me mine. now it's your turn.

what's better?

old weebles?

new weebles?