oprah wants to know why do men watch porn? no seriously i'm watching oprah last night at 9 to avoid watching commander in chief (1 hour of geena davis staring out expensive looking double paned windows with a double pained expression on her admittedly worthy academy award winner face). and oprah wants to know all these male secrets so she's asking jay leno, brian mcknight and some guy stuck at the end who laughs at his own jokes about 1000 times more than the audience. and the whole "men are more visual and women can get turned on by a romance novel" thing gets said and i cringe because i swear i'm sure there are women with eyes who watch porn and blind men who listen to porn and i hate male/female generalizations because they're wrong and they totally leave me out. so i'm here to answer oprah's question.
dear oprah, people watch porn because they want to. if you want to know why they want to, think about what "want" means and stop asking stupid questions. but i am curious as to why people prefer certain porn. so now i will completely overanalyze some recent pics that have crossed my path and at least answer the whys and why nots in relation to myself. after all, the brain is the biggest sex organ.
carefully posed but still feels natural and spontaneous. is it sunrise or sunset? did he drop the remote behind the couch? is he ticklish? 10 on spankability. hell 10 on everything. shaved head smooth muscle comfy couch perfection (except the couch should be a more bold color like red).
and i thought yellow was the color of cowardice, but here it means dominance. the workout chart/hunk poster on the wall is a nicely self-referential additional layer of beefcake. 10 out of 10 for the personal trainer's ability to determine his client's heartrate through his nipple. 10 out of 10 for blue shorts' dick slip. 1 out of 10 though for the lack of footwear. broken toes = no fun.
his piece is super thick. his tie is super ugly. and he's super scary. but as the judges on america's next top model often say - "somehow it works". 9 out of 10 for porn. 3 out of 10 in person.
what the hell is in his mouth? an old candy apple he found in a dumpster? how many cheesy photo studio backgrounds can fit in one shot? answer: 100. and his hair and shades are so witness protection program. he's more jay leno's type than mine. negative 100 out of 10.
little miss cock sat on a rock reading her tv guide. if this is a late in life cary grant in ibiza, 7 out of 10. if it's great uncle mordechai in boca raton about to get cited for indecent exposure again...8 out of 10.
I vote for #1 and 2 pics...especially the nip-tweaking personal trainer. I never get that sorta service at the gym! Maybe I need to let my dick hang out of my shorts once in a while
Posted by: purpletwinkie | April 25, 2006 at 11:05 PM