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quietsche-entchen (that's rubber ducky in german)

another grey rainy friday night on the streets of philadelphia (i mean seattle but i bet philadelphia is rainy and grey now too - how i miss it) so it's the perfect time for the can't believe it's real but it so is rubber ducky german techno remix [expired]. personally i never had a rubber ducky but if i had i would have wanted it to be german and remixed. so many good things are german and remixed like the berlin wall and a mercedes-benz after lindsay lohan drives it into a telephone pole. so now in our best german techno-ese, let's sing the chorus like the 24 hour bathtub party people we are...

quietsche-entchen, nur mit dir
plansche ich so gerne hier.
quietsche-entchen, ich habe dich so furchtbar lieb.
quietsche-entchen, so ein spass,
wenn ich drücke, sagst du 'was,
quietsche-entchen, der beste freund, den es gibt.

guys i should have done it with

• hunky camp counselor named steve in 1978. tan. moustache. muscles. sure there were a couple decades or so age difference, but what are you gonna do? love would have prevailed. love or prison.
• teenboy in bright and shiny short shorts playing hoops in his driveway while i biked by on my ten speed powered only by apple juice and grape flavor fruit rollups. i was a teenboy in bike shorts on one of my bike as far as possible out of my neighborhood and maybe i'll never make it home sojourns. i quickly imagined getting a flat tire on purpose and needing to use his "phone" to make a "call" with my "hands" and "mouth" causing him to "shoot" his "wad" all over "me".
• blonde superhero who stopped me on the street in center city, philly while i was apartment hunting (made obvious by my pad and pen and staring at for rent signs). and my fagdom made obvious by my purple urban outfitters hoodie and cut off jeans and hightops and luke perry sideburns. he told me he had a place for rent nearby and would i like to come by to see it right then. sure he might have been a serial killer (there were 8 fag murders that year) but he was hot!
• thick dicked tanning parlor coupon model who worked out at my gym. by tanning parlor coupon model i mean a bunch of coupons came in the mail and he was on the one for a tanning parlor showing a partial speedo tanline while dressed as a fireman. or undressed as a fireman. one of the thickest while soft locker room cocks i've seen. regrettably, i missed out on the perfect opening schtick - handing him the coupon and demanding 50% off whatever he charges for sex. he could have fucked me, stamped my frequent customer card ass and sent me on my way.
• closet case fratboy in my archaelogy class who played footsie with me while we wrote a report. not the good footsie with giggles and then kissing. the bad footsie with the i'm playing footsie with you but i will not acknowledge this fact. followed by sitting next to me on his dorm room bed. not the good sitting with the jostling and wrestling and pants undoing. the bad sitting with the our thighs are touching and it will not be acknoledged that this is happening. if i could go back in time, i'd have stayed lower gay profiled in college. not closeted but just less obvious. one guy i knew who worked it that way slept with half the crew team. the bottom half.

virtual heterosexuality and maximum homosexuality

pick a surface then flex, turn, spin and bounce the always consensual virtual heterosexual simulacrums into a form of two dimensional sexual congress of your liking. you can't resist giving it a try.

speaking of resisting giving it a try, i am officially retiring even the slightest possibility of ever having a one night stand again. unless when he intones "but the bomb could drop any moment, baby" i can actually see the bomb and his cock is as big as the bomb.

i will do many things with someone i just met. many many things. talk, make out, talk, make out, talk, make out, trade numbers, make out. and i have been very clear that i will not go home with someone i just met. i have said it anyway. but i must be putting out mixed signals that mess up my own expectations and possibly those of guys, because part of me still must want to have a one night stand that i could pretend would turn into a relationship or at least two weeks of friendly passionate dating.

what i actually want though is to know that such sexual and dating and relationship possibility is, as petula clark crooned, 'round every corner. well now i know petula was correct. sexual possibility, sexual satisfaction, passion, lust, love, boyfriends are all 'round every corner. they are not however 'round every corner 5 minutes from now. they are all here. they are simply not all now. and i don't need them to be. i just need them all to exist, to be in my past or future life.

i kissed a man on the first day of hanukkah and it was glorious and i'm never going to kiss him again apparently and i could have had a one night stand and i guess i did. it's just it was all kissing. i kissed and kissed and kissed a man. and that's it.

bush has a private sexual moment in front of millions of people

oh who could bush be leering at?

inner thigh tanline eroticism perfect complement to massively hung eroticism

champagne wishes and prostitute dreams

what does it mean that i dreamt i was a prostitute with an ex-boyfriend as my pimp? does it mean i am so sexually powerful commerce must take over my body? while i am reasonably sexually confident and proficient, sometimes startlingly so with the right person and in the right moment, i doubt it is to the point of being in demand as a whore. after all, i'm just like anyone else. i put on my panties one vagina at a time.

then does it mean i wish to escape back to a simpler time for me, the arsenio hall-esque idiotic innocence of the mid to late '90s - the era of said boyfriend? do i just not want to have to think about who i am and what i want? actually, that's it!

so damn beautiful

still irate over awkward and plain nicole being chosen over glambot nik on america's next top model? or do you just need a shot of beauty? then gawk at my favorite supermodel ever alek wek, who puts every top model contestant to shame so who gives a fuck who won anymore.

lacoste goes softcore

when did lacoste go from making the short sleeve pink shirts with the green alligators to a playfully erotic nudie male fragrance commercial? perhaps this commercial is the first of their efforts to launch the new look of the "xxx prep". i approve and promise to show up to my next yacht christening in bass weejuns, argyle socks, and nothing else.

and on the first day of hanukkah there was ass and it was good