ultranow

le bark

katharine mcphee crotch

so once i mentioned ai contestant katharine mcphee and already had the words crotch and other naughtyties on the same page and now i'm the destination for katharine mcphee [insert body part here] searches. so what can i do but give in and provide what some dear browsers desperately want - proof of ways people got here to show you're not alone followed by proof of crotch to show katharine's crotch is alone, unless you count the mike stand.

black holes are cute as hell

for a relatively long time now, verizon has been claiming they are "the nation's most reliable wireless network" driving that advertising bullet point home tirelessly. verizon=reliable, the way volkswagon, which is killing everyone's psyche with these commercials now which show everyday conversations in cars interrupted by graphic car accidents and shocked but okay thanks to volkswagon passengers, the way volkswagon posits that volkswagon=safety. volkswagon=safety. because their cars (and no other company's) are made of metal.

i measure my life by glorias

okay i'm writing this whole post during one playback of gloria and i seek to live a fully branigan lifestyle except for her being dead. basically this means singing songs and living a life that later michael bolton remakes and relives horribly and then i hook back up with that play slutty blond chick from desperate housewives nicolette sheridan and cut my hair shorter. michael bolton always got applause at showtime at the appollo but who wouldn't applaud a knock off righteous brother? 2:35 left.

they sprayed horrible anti-gypsy moth chemicals in my neighborhood today, or should i say a few blocks from my house. many of those in the kill zone (the humans in the kill zone) had protested because certainly there was a more green alternative, like gypsy moth assisted suicide therapy. personally i'm glad my block skirted the spray because...because...i am a gypsy moth! whoosh. 1:10.

rooting for joanie on top model because she is 24 and an ex-stripper and the best pure poser. i'm also rooting for twiggy to collapse and for tyra to eat her alive and nigel barker to be mangina-ly fisted by guest star bob barker and for and miss jay and mr. jay to trisexually mate like earthworms and produce mystery jay. and i'm rooting for something else to do besides top model and laundry tonight. oh yeah, i got homework to do for my playwriting workshop. 0:05. times up.

the world's smallest milking machine

ultranow mashup: amanda lepore vs pointer sisters - my hair looks twelve

to clarify, with this amateurish psychotic mashup i am not saying amanda lepore's hair looks twelve, as in twelve year old hair, or that it appears, in any of its everchanging incarnations, to be the hair of a twelve year old girl, unless that girl is drew barrymore circa coked up tween. what i am saying is that i hope you like the mashup at least 51% and i sincerely hope you like your hair today. now enjoy the clanging mysterious amanda lepore vs pointer sisters - my hair looks twelve.  but whatever you do, don't tell amanda!  while i am 3000 miles from her, them nails is sincerely long and sharp.

review and contest: moby. live - hotel tour 2005

here's the review part: who among us has not had sex with a guy or girl who kinda looked like moby? i dare say none. while that is enough of a reason to pick up the recently released moby. live - hotel tour 2005 dvd, there's also the feast of music and visuals. moby always seemed like a pure studio musician/computer geek to me, so seeing him "electronic" out live is a treat. he likes to yell and bounce and sing/mutter and the audience is enraptured and excited, veritably hypnotized. the crowd is an object in motion which tends to stay in motion, though there is not a mosh pit in sight as that would be too violent but in their heads they are moshing. either that or thinking about tea as moby's other key venture is teany.

streams of raining again and lift me up will clue you in on the live feel. the package includes five full length videos and a cd of remixes. you are guaranteed to at least hum and tap your foot, or whatever other way you uncontrollably follow along to music should you be missing a throat and foot, which moby would be perfectly okay with and understanding of as he is liberal and polite. or just possibly, you'll pretend you are his sometimes song partner (when he is in the mood for a hit) gwen stefani and dye your hair white blond and put on some tight shorts and a tube top and dance like a maniac, singing into a tube of lipstick.

here's the contest part: comment with a moby inspired/related haiku. best one over the next couple of days or so wins a free copy direct from the factory (no pirating here) mailed to your hut, igloo or loft for your listening and viewing pleasure. the only thing you won't win is tea.

and the winner is...the only non-gayhating entry:

mopey moby man
hey! Is that my boyfriend there?
no...glare off bald head.

if there's nothing wrong with the universe there must be something wrong with me

which is the opposite of what beverly crusher said on star trek when unbeknownst to her she was caught in a static warp bubble and what she thought was the universe was collapsing around her and everyone was disappearing until she was all alone and the universe was smaller than the enterprise and shrinking to nothing and the hallways were turning to grayish pink mist so she had to jump into the disturbance of light and air she thought was what was making people disappear but it was really her son and the traveler alien trying to rescue her with a pathway to the correct universe she had come from. so she said to herself once the last other person was gone "if there's nothing wrong with me there must be something wrong with the universe" which enabled her to risk racing from the bridge to engineering and jumping into the vortex and end up being rescued. the rules of the incorrect universe had been determined by her thoughts at the exact moment she was trapped in the static warp bubble which was her reflecting on the statement an older scientist had made which is everyone leaves and disappears from your life eventually.

but in my case, there is actually something wrong with how i'm seeing the universe i'm in, which essentially makes it as if i'm in a static warp shell of my own negative mind/experiences/thoughts. and i can escape this flat empty universe by creating and leaping into the vortex. by making and going into the rabbit hole. by trusting. by wanting. by testing. by changing my perception. by seeing and naming realities. by seeing and naming unrealities. the ways i view and experience and participate in the world do not need to be static. life does not need to be how it's always been. it cannot be. it can be new. it can be confusing. it can be a grayish pink mess. it can be beautiful. it can be ugly. it can be ecstatic. it can be everything.

arkansas razorbacks trio make desperate plea

to bar or not to bar

i'm digging my new juicer. it's splendiferous which means good in pretentious vintage gay. the broccoli carrot apple ginger was like brrrzapzingyum. the beet carrot apple double ginger was like whoadamnhellbam. so why would i consider chasing that by going to a bar which for me is generally yawnloudzilchwhy? perhaps i could justify attending bar services as a sociological experiment / new tv show: what happens when 1 self-hating, lonely, sad, queer jew who talks and thinks too much and has let himself go almost to the point of no return more times than he can count is put in a room with 57 rotating strangers all of whom are seemingly keeping it real but really are keeping it fake but they have penises? what will ensue? silence? pointless niceties? shrugging? in depth conversations about drool and cocktail onions? boot admiration? toilet stalking? watching drunk pool? exposed nipples? or simply absolutely utterly zero gravity nothingness emptiness invisibility?

i'm still not sure if i will bar or not bar tonight. perhaps i'll do 1500 meters on my concept 2 rower, take a hot bath, finish off that pint of carob mint soy delicious, and sleep on it until 8am.