i will work out and become rick dinihanian which would make me a 50+ top selling playgirl model with steel gray hair doing sensuous bedding print ads in my spare time. this would age me two decades into refinement and wealth and a steve martinish face/fitness mannequin body.
i won't work out because if i did people would objectify me by saying such things as "you have a body i want to touch and look at it and touch again and look at while i touch and then make you soup not from scratch but from a can that has the word organic on it because you are organic". this type of objectification would be sincerely devastating because i don't want someone to want me more than i want myself as in appreciate me more than i appreciate myself value me more than i value myself love me more than i love myself. i know that when a man leaves someone seeing me as he sees me has left. his eyes have left and that used to hurt because then nobody would be seeing me that way until the next man arrived and saw me that way which i can only imagine is good and lovely. i would cry and understand that he was gone and so was happiness. yet now i know that i need to value myself in all those ways and not look to a man to complete me to make me to see me so i haven't looked to a man for that. i haven't looked to a man for anything in a long time. so by comparison my not seeing myself in those valuable ways doesn't seem to be a problem. i'm not looking for a man to complete me so it doesn't matter that i don't complete myself.
it does matter that i don't complete myself. it matters that i would try to. when i work out i breathe and am the jewish jock of all time. mark spitz. sandy koufax. goldberg. i ran an 8 minute mile in junior high. i was last. but first in the 50 yard dash. first in the 100 yard dash. by the time everything switched to meters i was still and silent and invisible. i was first in the standing broad jump. point a to point b when point b is entirely visible. marked on a cracking yellow gym mat set outside on the grass during junior high olympics. i got a ribbon. red white or blue. which was best i don't remember but i got the best color. it was blue yes blue. went in the file cabinet with my report cards and progress reports. i always got excellents in everything. but once i got needs improvement and i was devastated. needing improvement is failure.
needing improvement is reality. it is opportunity. today i tested my gaydar and it was affirmed as from a distance i saw a homosexual and up close he put hand to hip. his back of the neck wraparound headphones exactly followed the shape of his haircut. hair to plastic to neck like a paper cut out. two dimensional music. i thought i will not say hello to anyone however i will think who would i say hello to if i would say hello to someone. i would say hello to women and homosexuals a great phrase that lesbians hate probably because why can't you be both. to me homosexual is a male word and i know that's wrong and i know everyone gets called homo but homo is me and i'm kinda male sometimes. kinda not sometimes. dyke is woman. lesbian is woman. bisexual is woman. homo buttfucker is male kinda. i need improvement. if i walked out the door of my own life i wouldn't cry for my own eyes disappearing for how i see myself for that feeling of how i see myself leaving out gone out the door. because i'm still here and i see myself how i do. and i don't see myself at all. i'm not here. boyfriends left. and i left them. and we none of us see each other anymore even though it's the same city and they are near they are invisible. when i said i love you i didn't mean it. at all. not slightly. not at all.
when i say i love me i don't mean it because i don't say i love me. and that is beautiful to say because i never loved me because i've never been here. i love me and am beautiful and i see me and it stops being invisible because the dimensions go from flat 2d change from flat 3d outside of me to forever dimensional. i will work out because the shape of my body is a place to live in. shoulders wider. chest expanded. gut strong and here. ass and legs and calves running up and down everywhere. arms sliding into fabric and into the arms of homosexual men who see me almost but not quite as clearly as i see myself. plumped up lips swollen from kissing filling the space of my breath and words and wanting to swallow and suck and grind. plumped up lips filling the space saying i love you and my mouth hearing i love you said back three times fast from a man i wasn't afraid to say hello to once because once is all it takes to say hello.
and though he will say i love you always three times as much as i do three times as loud three times as deep and insistent, though he may think he means it more feels it more needs it more, though all this may be, i in fact will always love myself more than he does. if he leaves he will never take me away with him and i will never disappear in his eyes and lips and arms. i will try to date again as me fully as me because that's something not everyone can do and maybe i don't work out as much as i could but what i've got is being me because not everyone does that especially sometimes most of all male homosexuals don't do that because we have so much to lose for trying it seems but that is wrong we have so much to gain and the world needs us to be ourselves and ourselves means love or at least a good time.
i won't date. i will. i won't work out. i will be weak and strong. look don't look. care don't. move. lie still. nothing. everything.
That was really beautiful.
Posted by: | May 24, 2006 at 09:22 AM