ultranow

tell me again why nik pace didn't win antm?

well at least she's on a damn magazine cover now, even if she has to share it.

what a six pack will buy

finally some competition for the skank in my cute cuter cutest skank post.  see him sans fanta after the jump.  but you might want to step back first.

p.s. the double head shadows are freaking me out.  i just know one isn't from him.

p.p.s. anyone got his number?

a modest attempt at jargon creation

b.c. = before christo (when islands had to wrap themselves in fabric)

b.c.e. = before the common era (what jews say instead of b.c. because we're not really into the c)

b.b.c. = before 1985, as in before breakfast club, which i think is a phrase i just invented and even if i wasn't first i've never seen it before so i am original in that sense.

so what was your life like b.b.c.?  mine so totally didn't have enough molly ringwaldness yet.

most insignificant piece of pop culture effluvium ever

on a recent episode of my life on the d-list, kathy griffin went on a temporary diet to drop pounds for a star magazine article hawking the kathy griffin diet.  this included eating broccoli, which made her horribly ill, turning her stomach into what she termed "the perfect storm".  she noted that broccoli is a silent killer, second only to heart disease, and asked her then husband matt for tums.  which by the way the manufacturer of tums is super rich because how do you ask someone to get you just one tums?  when you say get me some tums, they get you more than one.  next thing i try to sell, i'm adding an s to it to move more than one at a time.  such as "would you like to buy my peniss?"  so he gets her the tums and everyone moves on with their life.

well now cut to kathy in a smart little antacid commercial.  "my friend told me try this...i told him no it's too rich...just try it he says...so i tried it...then i ate the whole thing...and i was sick to my stomach...so i took alka-seltzer."  alka-seltzer as in not tums.  yes i know her show was probably filmed pre-alka-seltzer contract so they didn't know to match up the product placement, but still kathy is confusing me.  is it tums for her precious d-list stomach, and alka-seltzer for those of us on the e (as in everyone else) list?  why aren't i good enough for tums?  why does kathy want me to suffer?   and most importantly, could there be any pop culture dissonance that is less significant?

5 things i hate about being sick

...on a sunny summer saturday in seattle.

1. main activity is staring out the window self-pityingly as other people frolic, or more precisely, leave their apartment building on their way to frolicking, for example by playing frisbee in the park or attending the funeral of someone they're glad is dead.
2. food network is nauseating (especially barefoot countessa).  "this recipe is easy...get your double boiler...add cognac...filet mignon...make a whiskey sour for your husband and bring it to him as he's writing a new book in his study...repeat"
3. porn has no effect beyond creating the same confusion experienced by the "insert tab a into slot b" instructions for assembling orange and black cardboard unicef collection boxes in 1978.  half those pennies went straight for candy and never made it to africa, right?
4. sitting, lying down and standing are all equally uncomfortable and exhausting.
5. i have no future.

wait, how is this different than any other day?

where's a penis? there's a penis.

if i say there's penis after the jump, you say how high.  isn't penis a precious word?  i like it because it means penis, yet it also implies some measure of medical neutrality towards male physicality and naked expressiveness.  yes there is penis.  penis exists.  penis is body.  body is penis.  exposed or not, penis exists.  flash photography makes penis shine.  penis can be said one too many times.  but then saying it again after that makes everything okay.  living it makes it even better.  you are still reading when there is penis to see?  jump.  jump.  jump.

review: pet shop boys - fundamental

gay '80s lyric: "you've got the brawn, I've got the brains / let's make lots of money"

gayer '90s lyric: "absolutely fabulous" [repeat 128x]

gayest '00s lyric: "are you gonna go / to the sodom and gomorrah show? / it's got everything you need for your complete entertainment / and instruction"

and where was i for each pet shop boys moment?

'80s:  getting sunburned in miami beach in advance of my stepgrandfather's funeral.  hey, when nobody wants your help cleaning out the dead one's apartment, what the hell else are you supposed to do in miami beach?

'90s:  wearing a rubber tank top and handing out safer sex supplies at a queer youth dance, bouncing to absolutely fabulous while never actually having seen the show.

'00s:  wishing i were invited to an actual sodom and gomorrah show.  the intoxicating, delicate, sometimes mellow, sometimes peppy, ultimately wonderful pet shop boys cd fundamental will need to serve as my invitation.

in yet another one word masterpiece (oh will they ever run out?), our boys tug, freeze, pluck and burn our heartstrings with subtle power and delightful somehow still adolescent angst.  for a minute i was hoping for solely hopping dance numbers, but pet shop boys bring electronica in all its complexity.  the fellas are not afraid to slow it down and get real/fake with their real/fake instruments and real/real voices.  this cd flows and has cohesive vision.  still there are standouts:  the s&g show, psychological, numb, casanova in hell and the vocoder-friendly minimal.

"there's just too much thought in my head / i wanna be numb" is the lyric but thankfully they are not. they think. they feel. and make us less afraid too.  even though what we think and feel may be frightening or foreign or new or old or wrong, such as that everyone on the planet should own a candelabra and do decadent lovely things in its rich glow. pet shop boys are still here. glowing.

listening party | get the cd here

1970s cocaine dining table with upholstered cocaine chairs

is this porn or a murder scene?

sheets of death

despite the calms forté (homeopathic sleep helper) and herbal tea (herbal tea) and cosby rerun (vanessa loses a history paper and it turns up in the freezer), i could barely get to sleep last night.  and when i did i experienced one of those waking nightmares that goes on and on until i was finally able to fully get up and put a mental stop to it.  i was trapped in bed with an evil person from my past.  not evil just in this dream.  evil in real life and with a starring role in my dream.  it was morning.  the sheets were white and i was bunched up in them, struggling to get them below my chin so i could breath.  the evil person kept pushing the sheets over my head and pinning my arms.  there were layers and layers of sheets.  it was so hot i knew i would pass out any second.

this person should have helped me survive but instead kept trying to smother me with gentle movements bunching the sheets around my head.  i could see the sunlight through the white sheets.  i was so sleepy but had to fight to stay awake so i wouldn't die.  i was struggling to stay conscious.  which probably explains why it was difficult to fully fall asleep.  i bet if i had let myself get smothered in the dream i would have slept soundly.  but then there's the whole die in your dream die in real life thing and i didn't want to risk it.  i'm not ready to die.  at least not until season 2 of fame comes out on dvd.  and even after that, i've got things to do.