through

you ever wonder what it would be like to be over it, to have made it through the pain pain pain of your childhood grownup life?  through all the lies and weight and things that happened to you but shouldn't have happened to you?  through the occurrences that were impossible to process with anything but numbness and a straight ahead glare that didn't make time for nature or nurture, just survival if that?  you ever wonder if you'll ever ever be strong enough to walk through the pain and make it out the other side?

then you realize you have made it through.  you're fully through if you'd only look to the side and up and down for once.  you're fully through if you stretch and peer and believe it because you know it.  and then you ever make it through and watch prison documentaries on cable news networks and innately understand why people offend again and return to their prison because prison is what they knew and all else is strange.  there are forks were there were once only spoons.  there are additional directions to walk.  there are people who stare.  there are people who ignore.  you have made it and you do not wish to return to prison but you do.  i do not wish to return to prison but i do sometimes and it hurts worse going backward through the pain.  severe tire damage.

yet i am still through and it's scarier than anything else ever was because i am beginning to see how all is. i have always had these eyes and ears and heart and voice.  it's just sometimes they were shut.  and now they are not.  and i am here.  hello.