ultranow

worst halloween costume ever to the max

there is so much that comes up in google when searching for the worst costume, such as a toddler dressed as hitler, bill maher as the stingrayed crocodile hunter, drunk priest with fake stuffed boy strapped to crotch, and joy behar as joy behar.  but when it comes to worst, i'm a purist.  there can be no irony, no humor, nothing but simple, pure disappointment and waste.  congratulations sir.  you are the worst of worseness.  you are...not so good.

stretchy stretchy jockstrap

on a bitter bitter man after the jump.

triumph of the pigeon

this afternoon i witnessed a chemically altered and/or mentally challenged crackhead nutjob go apeshit on a pigeon on a downtown seattle sidewalk.  when the seattle pigeon, which like all pigeons is biologically equipped with a form of radar so could handle itself quite well thank you, did not get out of his way as fast as he wanted, he went all stompcrazy on it, thankfully missing repeatedly in a tom and jerry manner.  while the pigeon skillfully hopped and fluttered out of his way and in between crazed stomps slurped up sidewalk crumbs, the everyone and everything is out to get me man screamed "why won't you get out of my way!?  get out of my way!!!  i'll kill you!!!!!  kill you!!!!!"   if anyone from the future was recording the incident, i'm sure it will make it into the webster's 2743 edition video dictionary entry for taking things too personally.  right next to oprah and the whole james frey deal.

where do hunks go?

after visually wowing man hungry small screen viewers in beastmaster from 1999-2002, now occasionally repeating on sci fi network, what is australia's daniel goddard up to?  a look to imdb clears up the mystery, revealing the highlights of his post-beastmaster career:

• a guest spot on the insta-cancalled heather graham vehicle emily's reasons why not.
• co-starring with jason connery (sean's son) as python/edward (some secret identity thing) in the 2006 made for tv movie lightspeed.  lest the connery co-star sound impressive, note other co-stars include lee majors and nicole eggert.  shiver.
• co-starring as alex stone with katherine hawkes (who?!) in this year's immortally yours, in which "a  coven of sexy, modern day vampires ravage the american midwest with the thirst for blood".   not sure there are many opportunities to take his shirt off in that one. unless he uses it to sop up some blood.



• a small role as sergei in 2007's the perfect sleep, in which another hunk has come to roost - michael paré of eddie and the cruisers.
• an unnamed role in 2006's age of kali, the description of which at least partially mimics the trajectory of his acting career: "the concept of right and wrong is quashed by the ethic of narcissistic sensuality in this glimpse into an underbelly of society composed of lost individuals...caught on their existential journey, searching for an intangible answer, diffused by drugs and sexually charged path; out of control, going nowhere..."

i prefer to remember him from his beastmaster days, and from the ass and partial dickhead profile exposing early modeling shots after the jump.

memo to a pornographic neophyte

don't recline upon schizophrenic couches - schizophrenic people yes, couches no.

68 is 1 shy of 69, even if it's a rainbow 68, and what the hell is the fashion significance of a rainbow 68?  please don't tell me it's for some tragic "if i add one we can have 69" opening line at the gay sock hop carwash rodeo.

french blue banana hammocks are so never.

powder your nose.

stop praying.

this incidence of bad pornography is the best thing you'll ever do in your whole life.  be proud.

when even lifetime has to whisper the word mastectomy, there is something wrong with the world

this would make a superb sneaker ad

it's soooooo after the jump.

review: brooke hogan - undiscovered

as roger ebert often says with much frustration to his reviewing partner, you've got to review things in the context of what they're trying to be.  so if you review a juvenile teen sex comedy, don't compare it to reds.  this is not to say brooke hogan is a juvenile teen sex comedy.  though she is a teen, she's not juvenile.  though she dresses sexy, she's not particularly comedic.  she's just your everyday, club hopping (at least on record), shiny, tan daughter of the most famous professional wrestler of all time.  since it's difficult to be undiscovered when one is the daughter of a celebrity and on a top rated vh1 reality show, i can only assume undiscovered refers to other aspects of her person.  since i'm a fag, and not in the want to do her or be her categories, i'll review just the music thank you.

back in the '80s, when i sucked up pop records like charleston chews, my rule was that it had to have 3 hits to be worth my $6.99.  to my ear, brooke meets that (but just barely), if you're into the whole r&b lite, soft pop, semi-britney thing.

#1:  about us (stream video in quicktime or real) is catchy and liquid, though i could do without lyrics complaining about people bothering her.  yo, she just wants to be famous, leave her alone.

#2:  my number is a lesson in teen girl bravado/desperation - "see i wanna get to know you better / but it's looking like you're headed to the door / i'm going to write my information on this napkin / don't hesitate to call".  the thing is napkin doesn't really work in any song, but as a whole this ditty is bouncy and would be fun to hear in an all ages club simultaneous to having that exact feeling.  hint:  if the man of your dreams is leaving without saying hello and has already had a chance to meet you, let him go. she'll learn this later.

#3  dance alone is latin infused drum machine guitar fun hook hook hook.  this is the kind of song cher would have sung in 1992, minus the rap interlude.

#4 and #5:  incognito and low rider jeans are severe fluff, not in my 3 hit worthy tally, but silly enough to be memorable - "pretty fly for a white girl".  okay.  i have never tried to sound/look sexy like this and it comes off as campy as shit.  which is a good thing.  professional wrestling runs in the bones and this is the super estrogenic musical equivalent.

p.s. on the reality show hogan knows best, hulk made a big deal out of not wanting her image to be too sexy and i expect he got his way.  so what the hell did she look like in the before shot if this album cover is reduced sexiness?  still i've got to give her respect for not just being another lazy, good for nothing kid of a celebrity who doesn't amount to anything.  you hear me, melissa rivers!  yeah, i mean you.

p.p.s. love you, melissa!  call me.

buy the cd

"my bling bling" barbie's got a whore mouth (and so does her buddy madison)

no one can prove dimitri kaspiarovich is wearing pants