ultranow

fight or flight or fight or flight or fight or flight or something else

can watching a weight loss infomercial make you lose weight.  yes!!!  especially if it's for vibromass and you row 2000m on your concept 2 rower while the tv blares vibromass worship.  keep in mind the mass is shorthand for massage though the first association i had was biomass.  the same machine in every spa sequence from the '40s to the '60s is back and now made entirely of easily breakable plastic.  i swear rosalind russell used one in the women and someone tried to kill james bond with one once.

the vibromass ad plays fast and loose with the word exercise.  having one's arms be vibrated cannot really be called exercise, unless you're practicing cunnilingus at the same time.  if the fcc had more time on their hands, they'd cease and desist these false hope peddlers.  as cher said during her bally's fitness commercial about 16 years ago -  "if a great body came in a bottle, everyone would have one."  or maybe she said "if everyone came in a bottle, it would be great."

but some good things do come in bottles.  i learned recently that adrenal stress can lead to excess cortisol production, which can lead to excess fat storage around the middle.  it's documented or whatever, so herbal support for one's adrenal glands can help balance them out and increase the functionality of one's parasympathetic nervous system, thereby assisting in the metabolizing of fat and helping with rest and digestion.  or some such nonsense but really it's true.

i'm not a naturopath, but i learn from them, and honestly if you've had massive stress in your life, either short or long term, and know you've been in the fight or flight mode for way too many hours, your adrenal glands may be stressed out and need support.  you've still also got to do things to help reduce stress in general but adrenal support is really important in my opinion, at least for me.  so look into it.  this isn't medical advice.  i'm just making the non-groundbreaking point that stress affects our bodies more complexly than we might have thought.  it can make people want to buy vibromass for one thing.

there are top notch adrenal support supplements out there, but talk to a naturopath before you do one.  though it can vary for each person, supposedly you take one for about 2 weeks for every year of prolonged stress in your life.  so i'll be taking one well into 2008.  hilarious.  damn '80s were harsh on me.  i can't tell you how many rubik's cubes i got pegged in the head with.

borat good

this not full review borat.  it good movie.  me deeply consider launch internet hoax that me jewbashed at movie theater full of people riled to anti-semitism due to borat edgy archie bunker style humor and they don't get joke and then hate the jew and i look the jew so i get hit.  it would make top of cnn say does borat go too far and i have black eye to prove.  i then be fine www hoax on world and sacha baron cohen career destroyed and only true sasha cohen with work career then is figure skating sasha cohen.  but i like movie so no hoax.  make it like rocky horror the picture show and wear the jew horns to theater.  i start this trend.  all must do.  not bash borat i.  it funny.  he funny and naked.  i like funny and naked.  me done supporting viral marketing assault of borat.  it hit anyway.  don't need me to make it bigger.  borat good.  win oscar.  but first oscar must kill all jews who vote for oscar.  then it win big.  best naked man in elevator with the strangers.  it win good for that.

when a porn set tries too hard

alternately, the where's waldo of porn pics.  can you say "busy"?  after the jump.

review: shadowboxer

do you miss miami vice but not don johnson?  '80s miami vice, as in broadly drawn characters, coke warlords face down dead in heated indoor pools, nouveau riche suits, point blank gun battles, earnest kisses before going to work knowing you may be killed.  that miami vice.

shadowboxer, just out on dvd, is ridiculous.  cuba gooding, jr. should change his name as joey lawrence did to joey and debbie gibson did to deborah so he can be taken more seriously.  possibly cubert?  but it's a good ridiculous.    helen mirren as a hired killer with sympathy for one of her slated victims, co-killer cuba gooding, jr. getting a bath from helen mirren, mo'nique with too few lines but making the most of them as a mob doctor's main squeeze, and joseph gordon-levitt completely believable as mo'nique's said squeeze.  oh, and macy gray is in it and kinda high i think but the right thing happens to her so it's works.

stephen dorff's condom clad penis has a co-starring role, and stephen himself uses a split in half pool cue as a lovely torture device.  this flick isn't pure thriller or pure camp, but if you watch it as camp, you'll have a better time.  think of it as a way to exercise your camp muscles.  is a silver briefcase with a perfect foam cutout for a gun camp?  of course, especially if one thinks of other things that could fit in the cutout.  such as peeps.  or jello.  or peeps floating in jello.

the director i'm sure viewed it as a hard boiled, moral dilemma, thriller masterpiece.  but no no no it's not.  this is not officially a spoiler but there's a moment where someone who is hiding out has donned a blond wig which is so obviously a wig the person renting the house she's planning to hide in complements her on her great wig and i wondered why the woman hadn't just dyed her hair blond as that would look more natural.  when you are hiding out do you wear a disguise or just try to blend in?  so these professional dark side killers and lovers and capitalists are not in fact professionals.  they are as amateur at their jobs as the director is at is.  but this is what is funny.  wigs and guns and oedipal histrionics and macy gray talking.  this is good shit.

get the dvd here

otc

ever since i first heard kendra on girls next door (that playmate reality show on e!) say "off the chain", it's been etched in my non-playmate, non-living with hugh hefner and his two other girlfriends mind.  i've become determined to find a way to bring "off the chain" into my vocabulary, or at least find that one perfect place to apply it.  it's here. 

fitness and money enthusiast john basedow has got this website see.  it's called fitnessmadesimple.com see.  and fitnessmadesimple.com now cues up the fms theme song to all visitors.  and i thought mp3 or wav files autoplaying on a site was so next blog button on blogspot.  i suggest the consumption of toxic mcnuggets while listening to the lyrical gold:  "here's john basedow / he's going to show you how / to reach your potential / and turn your whole life around".  love you john.  love your dye job and -5% bodyfat and non-gimmicky nature.  you are rich and plain and full of protein and the fms theme song is off the chain.  off the damn fucking chain.  that's how kendra and i feel about it.

p.s. if the song is off his site now, e-mail me and i'll post it here cause i grabbed it already.  in other words, i'm not going to host it if i don't have to.  that'd be like john basedow's site being inside my site and that's kinda oogy.

porn fashion roundup

in case you're deposed meth buying but not trying, gay prostitute massage getting but not fucking homophobic evangelical loon ted haggard browsing this at church on your laptop, the porn fashion roundup is after the jump.

p.s. the only place you won't read about ted haggard's henanigans is in the news page on his own site.  now that's damage control.  the one big remaining question here is if the word i possibly just invented "henanigans" will now take off.  probably about as well as "himbo".  speaking of himbos, time to look at the porn after the jump now.

naked pre-bond daniel craig covered in...?

while i'm supposed to care about this speedo shot from the upcoming pointless james bond exercise casino royale, i much prefer the shot after the jump of dc covered in goodness knows what.  i'm guessing rotten marinara.  i'll lick it off and suck what's below if it means i don't have to watch him act.

tyra goes xy

coming monday, november 13 to the rikki lake is off the air and oprah is old so why the hell not have the tyra show, it's an episode sure to make drag kings swoon...in a masculine way.  text in brackets mine because i can't help it.

"Undercover: My Day as a Man

Tyra [tyrone] goes under [have they heard of the word undergoes?] a dramatic five-hour transformation to [visually] become a man [male] and spends the day with rap star Chingy [who?] and his entourage and rehearses with them for The Ellen DeGeneres Show [people rehearse for Ellen?].  Still in disguise, she infiltrates [walks up to] a group of unsuspecting men to find out how [those specific] guys really talk and act when women aren’t around [why would she assume they don't also talk that way around women?]. Also, another girl is transformed into a man to find out how her [homosexual] boyfriend behaves when she is not around [but that's not about tyra so who gives a shit]."

i will be tuning in hoping for both crotch packing and boob strapping.  if they'd just let her roam in public, 10 to 1 she'd get called a fag by somebody.  i mean look at her.

so close to #1 in google for pudding bra it hurts

regina spektor is everything

why don't i get out of the house more often and do shit?  which by the way shit is what i thought richard dawson was going to say today when i watched match game and the question was grandpa so and so said he's the luckiest guy in the world because his 103 year old wife still blanks like she's 80.  well orson bean and brett somers and charles nelson reilly and dr. joyce brothers and richard dawson and betty white weighed in with such answers as make whoopee, dance, and move and the contestant had said make love, which technically in the gay world at least is decidely different than make whoopee, but i thought the best answer would have been shit, which i learned from massive repeat viewing of golden girls.  it's a key fogey skill to shit well.  much sought after.  prideful.

but i didn't get out of the house on october 26, or at least if i did it wasn't to the right place, which would have been to see regina spektor at seattle's moore theatre. but you know what i found on the internet?  high tech bootlegs of the whole damn show.  so here i share with you my new favorite song of the moment.  love her so much more than tori amos.  after all, regina knows how to sit facing forward on a piano bench, not side saddle it like a scurvy cowgirl in heat.  regina spektor is a treasure.

listen to regina spektor - better (moore theatre, seattle, 10-26-06) [expired]

and don't let this free sample deter you from picking up her cd begin to hope.  it's just making me want it more, which would make it the first cd i've bought in forever.  but it's the least i can do.  regina spektor is everything.