ultranow

the end of modeling

i understand the theme of this year's sports illustrated swimsuit issue is music.  i understand beyoncé is pretty or beautiful or whatever jay z says she is.  i even understand sports illustrated is not vogue.  but for goodness sake, can't a damn model be on the cover?

what with jennifer aniston angelina jolie christina aguilera kirsten dunst and whoever damn else who is not a model on the cover of most all the strict fashion mags, much to tyra's discontent, at least si always had a model chick, mostly of the super variety.  now miss b nails the cover, which is great as far as racial representation, but what about an opportunity for a non-white model then?   at least peta nemesis beyoncé wasn't wearing a mink bikini.  that was just when she went out to dinner after.

update: the beginning of modeling

guest review at queer beacon

it's guest reviewer week over at the bright and indispensable queer beacon and augusto generously offered me a spot.  after momentarily considering contributing a review of spunk'd: the complete first load, i instead went with flushed away, if only because the former cannot actually be seen in a theater, at least one bigger than a 3x3 foot square.  i invite you to read my review of flushed away and revisit queer beacon to check out all the guest reviews this week.

p.s. does tyra know james st. james, who occasionally appears on top model, has a cameo in spunk'd? 

america's next top model cycle 8 winner

i'm always wrong in my pre-cycle antm predictions, so this time i'm hedging my bets.  i believe the winner will be one of these four skeezebots.  i mean lovelies.  and i'm tracking their successes and failures in my weekly antm rundowns.  clockwise from top left:  jaslene, felicia, samantha, natasha.   okay i can't help it.  i want jaslene to win though i predict felicia will.  meanwhile samantha's legs need to eat a sandwich and natasha needs to stop channeling andie mcdowell's facial deadness.  still these are the four best to my eye, though i've yet to see any of them move or talk beyond jaslene who was a semi-finalist last cycle.  felicia's got that tyra forehead, so you know that's going to help.  mainly i'm looking forward to jaslene and samantha's dueling cleft chins, which should create a kinda lesbian dynamic.

i am the father of anna nicole's baby

that's my sperm in anna nicole's bahamanian fridge.  don't let the methadone label on the container throw you off.  she was saving up for a second homosexual impregnation by my 100% released essence.  this claim should be enough to get me on larry king live and/or nancy grace because broadcasters who will put on as authorities the mother and sister anna nicole hated, bobby trendy who was her reality show gag, and chyna who is severely a nobody, clearly have no standards.

since it's highly likely she died intestate, let me now also claim she whispered to me many times that everything should go to me.  just the money, not the lawsuits.  we met in a masculine male stripper emporium where it was ladies night which meant she and her mammaries drank free.  we fell in love with love and now everything is mine, including her entourage and howard k. stern's dick in my ass.

let's all collectively switch to some more harmless news and let her rest.  the speed should be wearing off in her system any day now, so it's perfect timing.  if we need something innocuous to focus on, how about a deathwatch on danny bonaduce.  i say he's got until summer solstice 2009 tops.

pointless crush #197

professional wrestler michael mondragon, aka "disco machine"

(hunk) red

do you think he donates $10 from every trick to the global fund to fight aids, tuberculosis and malaria?

nsfw so after the jump.

tube sock r

kinda nsfw so after the jump, though you really can't see anything, except for glorious tube socks.  oh...yeah.

the most implausible phrase i've ever heard on cnn

"the shocking death of anna nicole smith"

disturbingly extreme cuteness and pathos generating 1999 swedish annies maria hazell and frida von schewen

welcome to my shit list, robert downey, jr.

regarding mel gibson's anti-semitism and sexism and drunk driving, robert downey, jr., whose father is jewish, has reportedly stated:

"What occurred, in my estimation, was that somebody was caught in the act of being an imperfect human being."

and on the anti-gibson population of los angeles:

"I really didn't know that we had eight million morally sound people in this town. Wow, I really didn't know that. I guess I've been dining at the Ivy with, like, living saints."

you know, robert bob bobby downey fabric softener, perhaps the eight million angelenos you speak of who aren't living saints are seeking to redeem themselves by being outraged or at least perturbed by gibson's bigotry and drunk driving.  which isn't drunk driving bad already?  it's like the bigotry totally overshadowed that part because if mel had hit someone in his car he couldn't possibly have planned to purposely hit a woman or jew, such as dr. laura who is the first person i think of when positing a dead jewish woman.

and how unaccepting and anti-gibson has los angeles really been?  hasn't gibson been successful?  didn't apolcalyptowhatever get an oscar nomination?  what rough treatment.  and can one dine at the ivy, robert?  dine?  more like pose and snack.  okay i don't live in l.a. but that sounds like a suitable dig.

it's been months since i dear mel gibsoned.  this is about you, robert.  so breaking down your statement logically, even morally challenged people still have the right and option to be morally outraged by something.  otherwise, the world would be in a permanent downward slide toward completely hidden goodness, toward completely visible hatred and coldheartedness.

but if you really want to help gibson, and promote your upcoming superhero flick which i'll never see, put out a sex tape with you and the man himself.  it worked for paris, and she's a racist drunk driver too.  but who am i to judge.  just someone who would have a lot more relatives if it weren't for that holocaust thing.  i think i'll call one of them now.  what's his number again?  oh shoot, i think i have it written down on a piece of silver paper in another universe in another timeline.  guess my unlimited long distance is moot.

p.s.  your best performance was in chaplin and you sucked in that.