i'm supposed to go to the gym more. i'm supposed to like it but i don't. i'm too damn numb most of the time and working out is not numb. i don't do drugs except tv. not even sugar or caffeine. just tv. and computer i guess. i like exercising while i'm doing it or at least can stand it or really i don't like it all all.
especially i don't like right before i begin except that it takes away a little guilt for having failed to motivate up until that moment. and i don't like after i do it because i don't remember what i did and i feel stupid and that i didn't do it right or enough. picked last for too many teams did me in in my head. being hurt over and over as a kid did me in in my head at least a little at least more than a little. i just don't see myself as a jock except when i ran away from bullies. i used to think it was because of the whole jewish thing. if only i could focus on the jewish jocks out there - sandy koufax, mark spitz, somebody else - then i could do it. except there is no it. i know not to try to look like men in cologne ads. i know i don't look that male anyway, from the neck up anyway. or maybe other people think i do. i just don't to myself. gyms are so singular. everyone in their own world. no silliness. just business. just work. and i don't care. except i'm supposed to breathe more because i don't much and the gym is a place to do it except it's fluorescent and crowded and static. i'm supposed to lift weights or push weights or drop weights or whatever you do with them because i'm in my thirties and losing muscle and bone automatically unless i fight it. i don't know what it adds up to. my body has always been less than the sum of its parts. i don't add up to me. i am generalized separate nowhere. i think i'll train to be a yoga instructor. they seem connected and grounded and fit and poor. that's got to be good. probably the first step would be taking a yoga class. i'm just not feeling any of it. i started strong in december. faded. came back. steady. then dropped off again and now i don't care. i feel claustrophobic on those machines. feels like someone's on top of me crushing me inside. i'm not cut out for lifting. it's going to need to be swimming biking somethinging that means movement and freedom and not trying to look like anyone but me. yoga is probably that too so maybe i can try that or a kind of that or something close. some movement. some stillness. it's just not simple with me. probably not simple for anyone at the gym either. they just aren't saying so out loud. or if they are i'm not listening.
Whew. Another one. Thank you deeply for sharing.
Posted by: Xtopher | April 27, 2007 at 03:38 AM