i'm experiencing pafws: pre antm final withdrawal syndrome. from 4 to 3 to 2 to, gulp, 1, to, after the winner most likely swiftly disappears from pop culture sight, ze-ro. mere days away. but not before a quick journey to the land of aboriginal drag. barely rising above village people indian makeup level, the ladies were given aboriginal stories to tell through their modeling, final product below. but before the final photoshoot, the challenge consisted of each telling her own story using media of body paint, voice and movement. the aborigine woman who introduced the task used the awesomely redundant wording "oral speech" which for me myself was the bestest phrase word pair sounds ever forever.
renee was up first and totally got it, telling a story of rising from the generic "abuse" while the aborigines and the editor of 17 (who told some lie about 38 million readers - did she mean per decade?) watched and judged. she had just the right paint and colors and gestures and clear phrasing which managed to make the challenge look interesting and reasonable. jaslene then gave a pageant type speech involving little synced movement or personality, but at least she was understandable. natasha did some forest woman grovel dance and whispered her story, with the logic that when you speak quietly people really want to know what you are saying. speak quietly, maybe. whisper with no chance of hearing a word, then no. dionne was resistant to the whole concept and though touching on the story of her mother's paralysis, wasn't able to turn it into anything coherent or engaging. dionne was somehow worse than the soundless natasha. as reward, renee finally got jewels she's been craving, which i'm sure she pawned as soon as she could.
natasha was sick for real. walking/stumbling through the rainy cold woods in the ever impractical wedge shoe on your way to a challenge you fail will do that. she stayed home while the others went out to a private room in a bar and (no real mingling allowed as australia is filled with gossip mongers too who i'm sure would gladly spill what top modelites they saw out and when) plotted her destruction. they were sincerely pissed that they've never seen a picture of her husband or kid, as if somehow she doesn't actually have either. they think she's fake or whatever is bad to them that's one syllable long. at the club, renee encouraged jaslene and dionne to have great shoots because they needed to take out natasha.
judges say damn jaslene you're not versatile, this is the same pic we've seen from you before and you'll pigeonhole yourself if you have just one strong look. yeah well i say she had dozens of other shots with different looks than this and you all picked this one just so you could label her versatility challenged. yeah, judges, she ain't versatile. she's latina in every damn shot. and on top of that, now they're scared how much she wants it. what will happen if she doesn't win, they fear. i know. after a swift cha cha diva swish and prance out of the judging chamber, she'd still do everything she could to make it in modeling. i've wanted her to win since she was a semi-finalist in cycle 7, okay? jaslene...best...win. but if she doesn't, she'll still make it because she'll never give up and i need her to succeed so she will. please.
natasha was sick and could not even get it together for one decent shot. but her portfolio pulled her through. still she could have pulled a danielle evans if she'd come up with a superb shot, like totally sick danielle had on that elephant in cycle 6. memo to future antm contestants: if you're sick, go to the hospital and get an iv and some quick energy shot of niacin or whatever it takes to be coherent for half an hour so you can get a decent shot, okay? this is your chance. use it. because if you don't, tyra will just pull out that same old story of how she was sick with a 130 degree fever and ricketts and boobonic plague and it was snowing and on fire and the earth was flying into the sun and she got a great shot anyway dammit.
what a slam to go out after your best shot. it would have been different if dionne didn't need complete direction during a shoot. she doesn't bring anything to set and tyra hates nothing more than those who actually live up to model stereotypes. now dionne isn't dumb, but when it comes to modeling ideas, she's empty, lacking self-awareness or imagination. i'm not confident she has a future in the biz. maybe catalog. i'm thinking macy's.
renee used her momentum from the challenge win to give this shot that emphasized her statuesque cate blanchett vibe. they keep telling her she looks too old. then get her better makeup and lighting. smear some vaseline on that lens. that's what they do for dianne sawyer, right? or is that cybil sheppard? or greer childers from the body flex infomercial? anyway, there's plenty of vaseline to go around.
at judging, the ladies were asked who should win and who shouldn't. let the ganging up commence. natasha was chosen as who shouldn't win by jas, ren and dio (she's fake and something's missing from her personality they all said), which nata perfectly deflected by telling the judges the others were jealous of her east european features because they are the most marketable right now, and that if giselle were still in it, the others would pick on her too because they'd see her as the biggest threat. thing is, nata's right. and dionne's out. because when asked who should win, she chose jaslene. brilliant, dionne.
for the finale, they'll shoot a covergirl commercial and then, if it goes as in previous cycles, the final two will have a runway duel. i hope the final three get to do the runway show. that would be a good change. in the judge's minds, each of those remaining have their positives and negatives. what's for certain is that the winner will truly be america's next top model, at least for five seconds until the next new thing walks into a real agency and supplants dear jas, nata or ren's place in modeling society. is it too late for me to get a sex change, drop 15 years, and sign up for cycle 9? i've got to get up close to this shit.
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