ultranow

but what does the f stand for?

the lustworthy subject matter of my question is after the nsfw jump. so lustworthy, i can almost forgive the scarf wearing penguin bedspread. oh screw it...it's forgiven.

banana truth banana lies

so this little kid (i'd say boy but why does gender always have to be a subject?) was at the food co-op with his parent (i'd say mom but who knows who she was) and the produce person, oh fuck it, the produce guy gives the boy a banana but warns him it's partially cut so be careful not to let it fall. the mom type says he should balance it, eat it quick, all that jazz, and he tries to comply but half ends up on the floor. she swoops in immediately and tells him that it's not a tragedy and he still has half the banana left and life goes on.

i swoop in and scream at her that she's a liar and that the world really does come to an end when something falls or fails or is pulled away or made unavailable or destroyed or ruined, especially when it was just in your hand, and that she should be arrested for spreading such lies to youth as life goes on.

or actually while it occured to me to do so, i resisted my own swooping in with negativity, but did realize that nobody ever told me what she did when i was a kid or really much as an adult. when i first hear things that are unfamiliar, they seem inherently wrong and dangerous. like gay marriage must seem to idiots. i'm wrong and they are wrong. life does go on. but just to be sure, i brought a bunch of bananas home and ate one up without dropping a bit. life goes on that way too.

charles nelson reilly is blank

nnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

finally the holy trifecta of paul lynde, charles nelson reilly and jim j. bullock is no more and i am in permanent grief mode.  jim j. is alive?  thank goodness.  carry on the mary torch, jim j., as long as it can burn.  for now, let us, and his partner since 1980 patrick hughes, weep the passing of charles nelson reilly, who should not solely be remembered for match game as his resume should attest, though match game would be enough.  he is still of the moment, though dead, with an award winning indie film on the festival circuit as we speak, called, oh so ironically, the life of reilly.

take notes, minstrel show faggots of this millenium (yes i mean you sean hayes), charles found a way to be himself on tv at a time when that should not have been possible and he did it in such a way that people laughed with him, not at him.  he was a gifted comedic and dramatic actor, unafraid to take risks personally and professionally.  a true inspiration.

p.s. boobs.

bob barker recoiling from playful male price is right contestant kisses

to be fair, he recoiled from lots of the female contestants too, especially if they had penises.  how ironic he would be the victim of unwanted sexual attention, what with all those allegations out there from that certain barker beauty of the past.  i'm pegging mr. pink shirt as gay for real.  and yes, it's the shirt that's telling me that.

i will make the world dizzy with numbers

this is my (holy shit) 564th post.  the whole ultranow thing has had 812,821 hits to this moment.  i'm currently #1 in google for "steve rally", higher than his imdb and wikipedia listings, which is meaningless except that i hope he googles himself and finds me and wants me.  it could happen, right after a high powered editor searching for just the right freelance writer who can write the right things with words he writes asks me to freelance write a writing assignment for money, fame, personal satisfaction, and money and fame.  back to numbers.

a google image search of the keyword "ultranow" (with safe search clicked off) reveals i am the #1 gayest human on the planet.  try it.  and i'm the only person in the world to have a crush on a starbucks barista.  okay, that last one isn't true.  i'm likely not even the only one to have a crush on the particular starbucks barista i'm talking about.  after all, he does look like a young, blond anderson cooper.  how does he keep his hands off himself long enough to make a living?  gasp...maybe he doesn't!  by the way, i only go to starbucks when i'm desperate for sustenance.  exactly.

blake lewis moment

ew.com is asking crazed fans to vote on which cover to go with for the american idol winner.  as for the blake lewis options, i go for the one on the right.  can you tell why?  i know you can.  the blown up reason is after the jump.  though maybe jordin sparks has one too.  i never really looked.

housekeeping

added a dj box in the right sidebar.  find out just what the hell is in my itunes that i don't hate.  oh, and listen to it.  i'll add new stuff sometimes too, promise.  unless i get sick of it and delete it. 

on your way down there, you'll find my amazon omakase links.  oh won't you support my efforts to turn the world more culturally gay and culturally jewish and culturally insane by purchasing something through one of the links?  or not.  omakase is japanese for amazon picks what links to put up based on my blog content and which links people click.  or something like that.  at the moment, i'm seeing rue mclanahan's book my first five husbands...and the ones who got away on there.  love her!  maybe i'll be number six?

america's next top model cycle 8 finale

a woman...

whose dream...

comes true...

is the most...

beautiful woman...

in the world...

even when tyra is towering behind her.

jaslene gonzalez won the whole schmeer and so deserved to!  i am at peace.  and natasha "#2" galkina is back in texas.  is this what a fanboy feels like when a new videogame with a jessica alba 3d avatar comes out?  jas's success has also made my dream come true, for  back in february i wrote "i want jaslene to win though i predict felicia will." and i've never been happier to be wrong about a prediction yet right about a hope.

as for the episode, renee got called out as old around the eyes in her covergirl photo so got cut first.  by the way, she's 20, so if her eyes are that tired, she's clearly been through the ringer.  to add insult to injury they told her she had the best commercial and best covergirl photo, but for reading too old. because goodness knows girls can't relate to anyone who looks 23 or 25 or 27 because of how tragic it would be that said girls imagine themselves at those advanced ages.  still i was glad to see her go, because of how, you know, horribly mean she is behind people's backs.

natasha and jaslene both did well in the fashion show, each showing up at least half the other models in the show.  caridee (last cycle's winner) worked the catwalk also to much less success.  just call her stompette.  the best part was natasha's skirt falling off while she pranced.  she totally kept going and made it look like it was on purpose somehow.  since the clothes had elements of deconstruction, it worked.

in the end, jaslene proved she could put forth both commercial and editorial, and integrate her cha-cha diva self into the covergirl brand, literally bringing spanish into her improvised commercial read.  natasha's good, no doubt, but jaslene deserved to win, and will hopefully take it far.  the small print on her seventeen cover (is that hood supposed to balance out what some people, not me, see as her too square chin?) says "the real-life drama you didn't see on camera!"  damn you tyra!  how could you make me miss some drama?!  what secret will be revealed on june 5th?

p.s. loving you jaslene.

pigface hewhore

i totally get not showing your face in a craigslist ad, but can we all agree the self display etiquette should be either to crop out your head entirely or cover it in a photoshopped square of a color of your choice, not to distort your face to the level of that twilight zone eye of the beholder episode (pic below)?  oh and i'm not paying you to have sex with me.  i just wanted to see hustler pics to check if there was anyone i recognized and yours freaked me out so i hate you.  believe what you want people, but i'm too cheap to pay for sex anyway.  i would however pay someone to watch the owl and the pussycat with me, so figure that one out.

leaky spandex

after the leaky jump.