ultranow

intensely inappropriate bus passenger

bus driver opens the door.  before the guy gets on he says:  "mistress, may i get on your bus and sit down?"  i don't hear her respond.  possibly she just nods.  in the future, i expect she'll answer "no" to this question.

a couple minutes later after someone closest to the front gets off, he switches seats so he has a better view of her.  then he says "mistress, do you know what that sound is?"  i should add there is no relevant sound.  perhaps he could hear her internal scream.  she remains unresponsive, likely the wisest choice.  optionally she could have answered "the city."

next stop is mine and i get out the back door so i don't have to pass him.  probably his third question was "mistress, may i engage you in a non-consensual domination scene?"  to which if she replied "no" that would be a form of domination and if she replied "yes", well you know.

the fact he's a guy who goes to my gym whose very presence has always creeped me out, though i'd never technically heard him say anything at all or seen him do anything besides work out, proves that my instincts about creeps are spot on.  or at least my instinct about him.  non-consensual anything so out.

perfect timing then for the seattle weekly article on nightmare bus experiences which came out today.  and by nightmare i mean real.

qvc beule (german home shopping bulge action)

mr. mitzvah to the semi-rescue

while i'm into the very existence of who wants to be a superhero? cast member mr. mitzvah, i must question his choice of catch phrase.  does he think shouting the yiddish translation of "oh no!" or "good luck!" at a bank robber or a little old lady beater will help the situation? but props to his ping pong paddle weaponry.  i used to kick ass at ping pong in the catskills.  that and secretly following hunky tennis pros around.  the male kind.

one of these things is not like the other, one of these things is not the same

because there are two of them.  after the nsfw jump.

hey let's all boycott the new hairspray movie!

here's why:

• i already saw the original movie and the broadway musical and i can't handle three of anything.  okay maybe you haven't seen either but just pretend.
• harvey fierstein, who won a tony as edna turnblad in the broadway production, was ditched in favor of the creepy john travolta, reminding me that streisand beat out channing for hello dolly: the movie!   when will harvey get respect?  not here.
• i heard the soundtrack album and queen latifah's voice is no way big enough, and she's not old enough, to play motormouth maybelle and amanda bynes' voice is so processed it's sickening.
• zac efron was in high school musical.  i can't take disney connections.
• the sickeningly extreme cross promotion on so you think you can dance this past week was sickening and extreme.
• i'm too cheap to go to the movie theater so to be dramatic i'm calling it a boycott.  in this vein, i'm also boycotting four star restaurants, trips to europe and flawless giant yellow diamonds.
• they make pink flamingos the musical, starring david hasselhoff as the singing asshole, then i'll also put my money down for the hairspray movie.
• the movie has an anti-segregation message and i'm pro-segregation.  straights and gays should have separate bathrooms.

david vitter makes hypocrisy unhip

republican u.s. senator from louisiana david vitter is a lot of things.   

according to his site he "...is dedicated to making life better for his young family and all louisiana families. he’s focused on putting louisiana first as an independent and outspoken reformer, and on advancing mainstream conservative principles."

according to me, he was on my short list for sexy senators (of which john thune was the winner).  trust me it was very slim pickings so he shouldn't let it go to his head.

and according to the news, senator david vitter admitted today that his old phone number was in the phone records of the woman who currently holds the title "the d.c. madam".  he calls it a "very serious sin in his past" (just has to get religion in there somewhere) and neglects to cite the hypocrisy of his 2004 campaign promise regarding "protecting the sanctity of marriage" and his co-authoring of the anti-homo federal marriage act.  perhaps he'd be in favor of a law which granted homosexuals equal rights to frequent whores?

p.s. he also authored a bill prohibiting senators from being johns.  okay, that last one isn't true.  exactly.

oprah is a sign of whatever the opposite of apocalypse is

oh did i forget to mention i was taking a blog-cation?  for, um, a week and three days?  well i did and i'm back.  so much has changed.  i missed the whole rosie o'donnell sex tape thing, the whole spaceship crashing into the white house thing, and the whole "man killed by rainbow" viral video that's everywhere, like a virus of some sort.

blame it on a new netflix membership.  suffer, local neighborhood video store small business!  that and not having anything to say for a bit. 

so i found an oprah magazine abandoned in public.  i asked the closest person if it was hers and she said no so i grabbed it and proclaimed to her:  "it's a sign.  there is something in this magazine that will change my life!"  i've scoured the pages (scoured means skimmed, right?) and i believe i've found it.

between the article "the miracle worker" on sjp's admirable cheapo multi-sizo bitten line, and queen latifah opining "like any girl whose body is changing, i felt unsure of who i was becoming." (uh, you're becoming queen latifah...duh!) between those pages was why i found the magazine, or more precisely, why it found me.  and i quote:

"now mcdonald's puts nutritional information on many [not all] of their products.  so i don't have to wonder [but could still worry] about the quality and nutrition my kids are getting at mcdonald's.  foods like chicken mcnuggets made with [not "of"] white meat, fresh crunchy apple dippers [dipped in what?] and calcium-rich low fat milk [full of bovine growth hormone].  compared to a lot of the foods my kids love at home [like captain crunch and legos?], mcdonald's is a great [cheap] choice.  i guess that's why it's called a happy meal."

why is this a sign?  because i know for a fact that i can see through spin a mile away, which means i'm pretty darn unfoolable by some man again, which means i'm ready to date again.  thanks, oprah!