ultranow

not there

my fate is semi being decided by other people at this exact moment.  meaning depending what they say my options will change.  but regardless of what they say i'm still in control of my life, or at least as much as i ever could be in control.

i'm in the made it out of bad childhood phase of life where life just is.  there's an old peanuts cartoon where charlie...charlie brown (<--- stupid james bond reference) says to psychiatrist booth lucy that he thinks he's finally over his childhood problems.  she says great and that now he can look forward to teenage problems, career problems, love problems, middle age problems and old people problems.  he says maybe he needs to work more on his childhood problems after all.  what the fuck does lucy care though.  she still gets her 5 cents.  or 5 cents times 2479 visits in charlie's case.

i'm probably better at fighting demons than falling in love.  i'm probably better at saving my own life than making that life most interesting.  i'm probably going to remain single for the rest of 2007.  but i did have two guys call me on the same day last week.  for a clearly ex hermit, this is a major accomplishment.

how much of my life is up to others?  how much is beyond my control?  how much of my life is in the past?  which people whom i've already met and known will i never see again?  why can't i beat the clutterbug or drink enough water or or or or or...stop planning my life and simply live it now now now.  i'm taking off my overcoat and training wheels and outer layer of not only protection but habit.  i'm here.  i don't know who i am.  i'm not used to it.

15 minutes of racism

racist comments have become the new 15 minutes of fame.  britney didn't run over paparazzi or almost kill her kids today?  time for the media to feign outrage at the latest spouter of words that should not be spoken, except in a cultural studies class about the history of such words, or in similarly self-aware artistic contexts.

i'm all for outrage at racist comments (or as cnn and many other semi-news outlets like to call them when previewing a segment - "racial" comments).  whether it be dog the bounty hunter or michael richards or this one courtesy of louisiana state rep. carla blanchard dartez.  and yes, racist comments by people in power or the famous or semi-famous do elevate their gravity.

but can the conversation please extend beyond outrage at individuals for their comments to institutional racism? and if the conversation is still only allowed to focus on that individual (since that's what gets viewers to tune in), then can it at least add focus on racist things that person has done in addition to speech?  as in racism = power + prejudice.  yes these words create an environment that promotes dehumanization.  yes these words are hate speech.  and i add that racism exists in other modes and people experience it differently than solely words.

for instance, how come the article linked to above says nothing of that politician's voting record?  how come the whole michael richards deal didn't at all mention the severe lack of fair and equal representation in seinfeld casting (the environment he lived in for years and maybe impacted as far as casting)?  how come dog the bounty hunter gets more face time on larry king than someone fighting racism?  and how come when paris hilton used racist language which got caught on tape the outrage didn't reach fever pitch?  maybe just maybe the press needs to keep paris palatable so they can use her on days where surface covering racism is not in vogue.

men forever eventually one at a time i don't know what i'm doing yes i do

okay, next on my quest to extract one great one from the manpile is workout buddy culture.  got one lined up for sunday.  and i think i'm officially adding making out to the things i won't do until after a first date.  kissing is just too emotional for me (thankfully) because i'm not an autopilot sex pig who can be on with an instant sex object of choice, unless i fully believe it's not definitively a first and last kiss.  meaning my body, even when vulnerable and needing touch, must be on my side first and by my and mean my emotions and spirit too.  okay, i'm not making out with guys i meet in bars even if we do hang out for two hours or close to it and i don't make out until halfway into that or close to it because they never call because no matter how clear i am that i am not going home with them that night they think it's this seduction deal where i'll change my mind and go home with them and yes that includes walking me to get a cab because they are hoping for a last minute sex invite and besides where i walk to get a cab is right close to a sex club but then again so is my whole neighborhood.  i don't get this dating sex romance hope possibility destruction thing.  i won't get it ever.  all i know is how to take care of myself, be myself, and see someone else for who he is.  no secret on where to meet people.  that would be wherever people are. hello.  i'm ready.  and this is what serial dating and attempts at dating look like.  this is it.  not always fun.  not always rewarding.  but at least i'm narrowing down the pool of eligibles.  i just hope i can keep my tact up because next guy i may just ask "are you my damn husband or what?"  but damn that guy last weekend was a great kisser.  guess i could call him too though he already said he would take me out to dinner or make me dinner and then never called but i'm not into games so i may call.  in a couple of days.  maybe.

photo that is unfortunately not available larger online and if enlarged would be pixelated thereby ruining the point

past diving superstar imre lengyel, if that matters.