how does flirting over cake turn into a horrible discovery?

so i go for a walk on christmas eve, or as it's known to jews - december 24th.  i'd eaten dinner already, felt cooped up in my apartment and despite the cold, just needed to get out.  the plan was to hang out with friends on christmas proper.  december 24th was going to be all about digital cable and non-digital food.

so i end up on a popular consumer strip where i knew some places would still be open and i wander into a shop that sold dessert among other things.  i'll treat myself, i figured.  i was absorbed in the cake display and told the clerk i needed more time, eventually asking him, with as much serious as such as a question could allow "do you have any cakes specifically designed for jews on christmas?"  to which he replied "oh, you're jewish?  are all jews as incredibly handsome as you?"  which blindsided me to the max.

i'm not entirely used to compliments out of the blue like that (though of course we all know i'm incredibly handsome, ahem, my body language is one of the most effective deterrents to human contact known to gay man.)  i'm also naturally suspicious, so i say "only those of us who are about to decide how big a tip to leave."  which is an asshole thing to say on my part, but it's what came out.

so he says he's not saying it to get a tip and he doesn't say that to everybody.  so i say "i'm the only jew in the world and i'm the best looking jew."  which gets into bizarre territory as attempted flirts go because it makes no sense and doesn't go with my first response.  so i then pick the strawberry white cake white icing with almonds (which is called a "gateau" on the little card).  i chose it because it looked suitably garish and decadent, especially in terms of the price.  continuing my fumbling, because he is handsome, i point out that gateau means cake, which i told him i figured out from the context.  off-putting body language is looking pretty good in comparison to this exchange.

he's still smiling though when he has me walk around to the register side.  he asks me my name and i say and then he tells me his, which sounds like, let's just say, a wwii related word.  then he goes to the back to get my slice, since he needs to leave the display case one alone for future garishness.

when he comes back i ask him the spelling of his name, because if it was what i thought he'd told me, it would have been a sleight on my person and jewishtacity.  he said, oh not that way it's [such and such spelling.]  we made a little more small talk, then i belatedly thanked him for the compliment and told him i was flattered and he said he was glad he'd at least learned my name and he hoped i stopped by his store again soon.  i felt he was sincere at that moment.  i walked home with my slice and it was good, especially the strawberries.  i thought of potentially better responses like:  "since your shop isn't crowded right now, do you mind if i stand here and flirt with you stupidly for awhile?"  though i don't know if that's really better.

waking up today, i felt good about a guy hitting on me, though i still partially felt maybe it had been for a tip or to fuck with me in some way.  but part of me definitely felt it could have been genuine and maybe i should stop by his shop again after all.  i resolved to talk to my friend about it later [today] and get some advice.  so i go over her place for christmas dinner, or december 25th dinner.  and by the way earlier today, g-d or mother nature or whoever was so cliché because it was snowing on christmas.  whatever.

because his first name was so distinctive, and because i'd learned the spelling since it was a homonym for something horrible so i'd asked, i of course googled him before i left for her apartment.  i found a myspace for a music group he's in, saw his face picture and everything.  so at my friend's apartment, i tell her the whole story up to this point, google him to get his myspace and before i click that, i scan down for other google results.  what i found is after the jump.  and it's not pretty.

in the moment when i was psyched to show her his myspace and plan my follow up flirt, i discovered a few links down that "mr. gateau" is a registered sex offender.  for genuine real.  registered level 2 sex offender.  based on the sex offender release alert (which was from a genuine government website), he was convicted in 1998 and the release alert itself was dated 2006.  now i'm not a master of interpreting release alerts, but if convicted in 1998 and released in 2006, that seems to indicate 8 years or so in jail.  as it's a matter of public record already, and i'm not revealing his personal information here anyway, i feel okay sharing this.  what i'm not going to repeat are details on the age of the victim (i supposed it's not "alleged" victim if someone's convicted) and the circumstance - which trust me are among the most disturbing you could read on a sex offender release alert summary.  i also don't know his side of it and never will.  i do feel confident in my plans to not date or seek dates with or flirt with registered sex offenders.  and by the way, where do you register as a sex offender, crate & barrel?

so this proves that my self-protection tack, which can be accomplished by other means than social isolation and off-putting body language, is valid in and of itself.  i can put myself out there, and stay smart about it.  and of course, i may have dated creeps before who were just never caught, but i sure wouldn't have if i'd known so.  he was a nice guy to me yesterday for a few short minutes and again i don't know what really happened back then or his side of it.  possibly he wasn't in jail for 8 years.  possibly he was in jail partially for that and partially for something else that happened before or during jail.

i just know that it's okay to stand back, take things slowly, and not always have the perfect response ready to go like my life is some pre-scripted movie.  my life is the exact opposite of pre-scripted.  i hope so anyway.  i think the most radical, important thing i can do in my social and romantic life is to be myself -  flawed, real, self-protective and hopefully lovable and loving.  the cake was good no matter what.  and he was friendly with a warm smile as i remember it.  it's just that he wasn't smiling in the release alert mug shot.  not at all smiling.  and at this moment, neither am i.

Comments

[Mikey Garcia]

Wow... That was disturbingly amazing. However, I can relate to your self-protectiveness. Most of my friends mock me for being, what they call, "too picky".

Anyhow, good luck in love in the future.

- Mike

[BG]

Cut him loose. Even if he's totally rehabbed, and really was just flirting with you because he liked you. Now, since you've learned what you've learned, you'll never know for sure. There's no one "Mr. Right," anyway, as Jane Curtain told her pouty daughter on "Kate & Allie." She said, there are many men you can have a "right relationship" with.

Don't you believe Jane?

[jason]

wow.

Thank goodness for (the much maligned practice of) googling.

[Fernando]

Whoa, totally upsetting, I found the guy and he's really cute, really tall, but what a shame. Down-tempo music's not my thing but he makes for a cute Chun-Li.