my brain is fucking tricky

i'm a playa hata.  officially.  because i want intimacy.  ltr.  and so many playas are so fucking hot and sexy and smart and fun i'm drawn to them.  now i don't put out.  i really don't.  so they lose interest quickly.  but in the meantime i get emotionally involved and feel ruined for at least a day or a week or longer.  so i hate playas and gym whores and egoists and showoffs and the emotionally unavailable and the non-flirty.  because i'm trying for ltr, right?  and all these puresexual guys, these onlysexual guys are in my way, right?  cause i'm not hiding anymore.  i'm not hiding anymore from looking for dates and love and emotion and all, right?

except i am because i look for it in playas, and i'm using the stupid term playa rather than player because i'm stupid about it.  i thought i was looking but looking in the wrong places is just another form of hiding, but one that feels like looking.  until i caught myself today.  so i'm still hiding because i'm not genuinely looking.  i don't genuinely believe it's possible.  i don't genuinely believe it.  except now i do because i can.  i believe.  i just need to.  and part of me will still be drawn to the impossible because part of me is scared.  i'm scared and lonely and i feel helpless in matters of love and like.  and so what.  that's who i am.  that's the person that someone will love.  he will love someone who needs love.  who misses love when it's not there.  he will touch someone who needs to be touched.  and that's the way it should be.  but i'll no longer think i'm looking when i'm not.  they way i'll know i'm on the right track is when it feels different than it ever has before.

every time i've said i love you to a guy i've never meant it.  i wanted to hear myself say it.  i wanted the words to surround my life.  a blanket.  woven fibers soft and kind.  and now i'll take the biggest risk of all.  be myself and see who notices.  my sexual self.  my romantic self.  my loudmouth self.  my caring self.  my everything self.  my vulnerable self.  my powerful self.

Comments

[eltiochusma]

Applause!!!

[Spanker]

I might love you, but we would have to have sex before I could be sure....