again with the career drama. i've got so many things floating in my head and i keep waiting for them to sort themselves out but they don't and i don't think they will so i believe the point is that they won't. the fact that they won't is telling me something. normally i'd need to know. part of me still does. what will i do for a living after my current job. and it's a trap because the reason i think i need to know is because, well, it kinda helps to know that. i mean if i didn't have the exact branch of mcdonald's in mind, i'd never a get a job there.
but but but things have mostly worked out before. i just stick this ex-upper middle class bull puckey in my head or it's still stuck there and it thinks i'm supposed to be some career entity businessman sycophant peon whatnot in the cog of infinite boredom, as long as it pays well. i don't precisely know what it means to follow a career dream for real versus just count on a job posting that will end up making my days better.
i can take little career quizzes, get deeper than that with career counseling, and it always tells me i need some creative type job. and i've partially had that before. well, duh, i'm a homosexual. that kind of homosexual. of course i want a creative type job. sign me up to get paid to watch kate & allie reruns. i can get really creative talking to the tv about the show: "check out the bangs on her...and her...and her...and him."
so now i'm going to listen to the macropoint. the very fact that i can't precisely figure out what i want to do means i want to do more than one thing. i'm one of those hyphenates. generalists. and sure i fear i'm jack of all trades master of none. except that i don't need to be a master of any. i just need to be as good as i am and find a job that matches. my job search isn't so much about trying to figure out what i want to do for my career because while some jobs may be closer matches, i don't believe i would ever be defined by a job.
i don't identify myself professionally. just give me something to do and i'll get it done. once i'm physically there in the room doing the job i succeed. it's just about trying to find the right room. so i'll do itunesmancy to help me out. since it's not about career quizzes and classifieds and comparing myself to some different sell-out version of myself that thank goodness doesn't exist. work is about time. my time. my life. and i'm going to do good with it. as in do gooder. as in one of the good guys. as in make a difference. no i'm not a social worker or a doctor or a teacher. i'm just one worker among many who will no longer be invisible at work.
i will make my mark with good works doing something i believe in. let's see if itunes agrees, randomly:
- somedays by regina spektor: "downtown, downtown / i'm not here, not anymore / i've gone away / don't call me, don't write"
- fantastic 6 by alphabet: "eins zwei drei / weltpolizei / twenty-four seven / from heaven / they'll be watching over all of us, / the international professionals"
- who's that girl by robyn: " i just can't deal with the rules / i can't take the pressure"
conclusion:
- well maybe it is burnout that's motivating me to make a change and maybe ideally it instead would be a career passion, moving toward something rather than running. but fuck it, whatever it takes to get where i need to go - a place where the paycheck is real and so is what i do to earn it. i'm listening to myself now, even if i ignored myself in the past. but i still hear the same thing, just louder. and i can act now because i'm ready and strong enough and not burned out where it counts, in my heart. i'm ready. and it's going to be incredible this time. get paid to do what i like. then get paid to do what i love. which is help. which is make the world a better place. in whatever manner the universe sees is best. i'm here to work. work it. work work work. and go home good and tired from work yet energized and positive and happy. then pick up a damn pencil and draw til midnight and do it again. okay not all of that was from itunes but music always helps.
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