ultranow

america's next top model cycle 8 winner

i'm always wrong in my pre-cycle antm predictions, so this time i'm hedging my bets.  i believe the winner will be one of these four skeezebots.  i mean lovelies.  and i'm tracking their successes and failures in my weekly antm rundowns.  clockwise from top left:  jaslene, felicia, samantha, natasha.   okay i can't help it.  i want jaslene to win though i predict felicia will.  meanwhile samantha's legs need to eat a sandwich and natasha needs to stop channeling andie mcdowell's facial deadness.  still these are the four best to my eye, though i've yet to see any of them move or talk beyond jaslene who was a semi-finalist last cycle.  felicia's got that tyra forehead, so you know that's going to help.  mainly i'm looking forward to jaslene and samantha's dueling cleft chins, which should create a kinda lesbian dynamic.

america's next top model 7 forecast

tell me again why nik pace didn't win antm?

well at least she's on a damn magazine cover now, even if she has to share it.

i measure my life by glorias

okay i'm writing this whole post during one playback of gloria and i seek to live a fully branigan lifestyle except for her being dead. basically this means singing songs and living a life that later michael bolton remakes and relives horribly and then i hook back up with that play slutty blond chick from desperate housewives nicolette sheridan and cut my hair shorter. michael bolton always got applause at showtime at the appollo but who wouldn't applaud a knock off righteous brother? 2:35 left.

they sprayed horrible anti-gypsy moth chemicals in my neighborhood today, or should i say a few blocks from my house. many of those in the kill zone (the humans in the kill zone) had protested because certainly there was a more green alternative, like gypsy moth assisted suicide therapy. personally i'm glad my block skirted the spray because...because...i am a gypsy moth! whoosh. 1:10.

rooting for joanie on top model because she is 24 and an ex-stripper and the best pure poser. i'm also rooting for twiggy to collapse and for tyra to eat her alive and nigel barker to be mangina-ly fisted by guest star bob barker and for and miss jay and mr. jay to trisexually mate like earthworms and produce mystery jay. and i'm rooting for something else to do besides top model and laundry tonight. oh yeah, i got homework to do for my playwriting workshop. 0:05. times up.

early pick for winner of america's next top model 6

the model profiles were just put up on upn's flash heavy top model site. i guess the flash is supposed to scream sophistication. for me it just screams slow loading, even though i'm on broadband. damn upn, i just wanna see pitchures, 'kay? still worth a look. most notable is that the average height of the models is up dramatically this time, over 2". since the 1st season, excuse me, cycle, when the top three were each over 5'10", the producers have been picking shortypants reality show personalities over actual models. i just know tyra is smarting because none of the winners have really made names for themselves independently yet. so she needs a winner who really really really makes it. like kelly clarkson made it through, from and past idol. my early pick is brooke, though maybe she won't be able to handle that model task that julie brown as her character "em" expressed: "being a model is really hard. you have to like stand there and not fall over." i just love a model who can swallow her nose though. swallow, brooke, swallow. and win cause you're perfectly imperfect.

so damn beautiful

still irate over awkward and plain nicole being chosen over glambot nik on america's next top model? or do you just need a shot of beauty? then gawk at my favorite supermodel ever alek wek, who puts every top model contestant to shame so who gives a fuck who won anymore.

wishes for 2006

• giving and getting lust and love.
• naomi campbell reignites her feud with tyra banks with the debut of "earth's next top model". the key difference between entm and antm is naomi's contestants are all actually tall enough to get work. upn.com's own minisites for america's next top model cycles 1 to 5 reveal the average height shrinks every time. gots to be at least 5'10" or stay the fuck home.
• michelle williams is nominated for a best supporting actress oscar for her work in spitcrack mountain, making fellow dawson's creek alum katie holmes feel like shit for a second.
• george takei (yes it rhymes with gay when correctly pronounced) shoots a daddy porn where he dramatically, precisely and deeply enunciates "i am coming i am coming swallow it all you submissive boy. take the entire penis of a survivor of a wwii asian-american internment camp. the entire penis of a survivor of racist hollywood. the entire penis of a survivor of working with william shatner. that is correct. take it. completely. now. now. now. thank you."
• i learn a decent opening line that fully expresses my personality, desire and spunk. communicating my spunk does not then get me in the same trouble as mary richards experienced in the mary tyler moore show as mr. grant said "you got spunk" and she said "thank you" and his next line was the classic "i hate spunk!" (yeah that better not happen to me).
• advanced forms of tapioca pudding.
• male underwear becomes male outerwear.
• did i mention love?
• love.

glamour and horror

i knew tyra was going to surprise us but i'd thought it was going to be by an announcer saying at 8:59, come back next week for the conclusion of the finale, not by tyra, twiggy, miss jay alexander, and some repressed homosexual named nigel barker picking whiney (and not in a cute jewish way) nobody nicole...

over nik, a work of art wonder woman who had me from the moment headshots were posted on upn.com.

they need to stop using cover girl as a sponsor or they'll be pressured to pick the non-edgy girl next door over the couture glamourpuss every time. last season's winner naima was a combo girl next door/glamourpuss but this time they went too plain jane (as in jane pauley) with nicole. at least 2 more antm seasons are guaranteed and i'll be back.

on a totally opposite, non-glamorous note, prussian blue, the horrifically racist, white supremacist, holocaust revisionist teen music duo (previously the subject of ridicule in my post offensive fall fashions) get ripped a new one in margaret kimberley's chicago defender article evil racist children and the media who love them). the media who love them (which does not include me, a queer jew who needs guys to stick it in and to stick it in guys occasionally) also get skewered. time to boycott teen people, people! even if an america's next top model model is on the cover.

everythingness

i was going to blog about materialism but then i bought a kenneth cole sweater (for $75 though not the $750 dsquared jesus one from my previous post). so maybe i still have a right. is buying a hustler materialistic? what if the guy looks poor - and not abercrombie & fitch ripped $130 jeans poor chic - but an actual genuine poor look? do labels mean quality? does high cost mean high quality? i have some bucks to spend nowadays, at least more than i ever had, but substantially less than say, tyra. so i really have to think about what i'm buying and why. or i could just go with the likely fact that i'm a cheap jew who should treat myself now and again. it is a sweater, not $75 worth of gumballs. so i'm not materialistic. i'm individualistic and starved for clothes because i want to pretend it's the good part of the 1980s.

i hate tyra though and here's 10 reasons why:

1. she's sexier than me, if only by a smidge.
2. she's crazier than me, if only by a smidge.
3. her talk show, which i finally saw, is tedious even though she looks exciting. she listens too much. she needs to take oprah's cue and interrupt interrupt interrupt.
4. she is a liar. there is no way she as a producer of "america's next top model" doesn't watch (as she claims) the tapes of the next top model women while they're in the house. otherwise why would she keep the ultraboring kim (seen here looking exactly the same as she always does) around so long? here's why - in addition to being lesbionic, kim has the best confessionals! scandal. lies. tyra is a liar.



5. she has a mother who loves her and that makes me hate her. plus miss t doesn't flaunt her ass as much as you'd think she would. more tyr-a-ss please.
6. tyra needs to spend more time plotting naomi campbell's death. i feel this is tyra's responsibility ever since naomi said tyra was copying her look when she debuted. she wasn't copying your look naomi. she was surpassing it.
7. she's gone the sexy model route versus the high fashion route. i want tyra in couture on a runway, not in a bikini on the beach.
8. tyra will only produce top model for 2 or 3 more seasons tops and i need it to be on forever. plus she ditched janice dickinson who had my fave critique line ever when she told a cycle 1 contestant "in this shot you look like an amputee with a penis". how can you let that genius go? twiggy is not a suitable replacement.
9. there is no tyra doll.
10. i am not tyra and i hate that about her the most (that and the fact that none of the winner's actually have become america's actual real actual for real next top model - probably because that is a role taken by moi).

offensive fall fashions

so yes i did just spring $100 for a pair of ben sherman pants at macy's and it was worth it. it is really hard to find washable flat front brown pants (i.e. not wool) this time of year. but where do i draw the line for fall?

$750 sweater from dsquared, the sentiment of which is actually not true in respect to me. though i won't tell you exactly what i did to piss off jesus, it does have something to do with stealing the jesus fish off his car. dsquared has clearly never heard of child labor to bring costs down. child unemployment is at an all time high and they are twiddling their thumbs! outrageous.

hopefully the smiley face trademark holder can sue this gruesome twosome lamb and lynx of racist "music" group prussian blue. that's lamb as in "peaceful as a" and lynx as in "will pounce on you and claw your eyes out". the utterly undymanic duo was profiled on abc's primetime. oh please join the millions of sane americans in not buying their cd. last known whereabouts - moving to the pacific northwest to find an all white community. thankfully my home base of seattle does not meet their needs...unless they have a sinister plan to make it meet their needs. shiver.

military chic is not chic anymore, despite sylvester stallone still clinging to life. plus didn't this guy hear tyra on the last "america's next top model"? to avoid the squints when posing in the sun, keep your eyes closed 1-2-3, then open and the camera goes click. since this mini dolph lundgren is not technically a supermodel he's forgiven, but his outfit is not.

baskit color pouch briefs. um, i'm a fag. i don't need this much help in finding the "baskit". and though penis and pastel start with the same letter, their association should not extend to fashion. unless you're dressed as a giant banana. that i like.

how'd this get in here? this is the perfect look for fall! plus he's looking right at me. he loves me.