ultranow

kathy griffin now on the d+ list

kathy griffin: my life on the d-list won the emmy for outstanding reality program yesterday, launching kathy from d to d+ status.  no more waiting for a table at denny's!  her competition was identical to last year:  antiques roadshow, dog whisperer, extreme makeover: home edition, and penn & teller: bullshit!  as this was the creative arts emmy's, it wasn't broadcast, but the emmy is still real.  of course michael j. fox has won lots of emmy's, so basically it's a meaningless honor.  still according to kathygriffin.net, her acceptance speech included the gem: "Can you believe this shit? Hell has frozen over. Suck it, Jesus, this award is my g-d now."

the nazi fashions of suzanne somers

i've had nothing to say about the oscars except this little bit that probably no one else has mentioned. so abc is there at the vanity fair party and their post-oscar command center hosts keep cutting to the vanity fair party reporter while the celebrity in question is still in the middle of being interviewed by cnn right next to her. so she's forced to horn in on the cnn interviews and split the attention of the celebrity until cnn gives up. so suzanne somers is up, which can only mean they've mistimed cutting over to the party because who cares about suzanne somers anymore except home shopping network.

the feverish interviewer from abc, who for some reason repeats her own name over and over and the fact that she's wearing st. john, asks suzanne who she's wearing and suzanne says it's her stepdaughter's creation, which i can't help but think is some sort of plug for the hopefully never dvd release of the horrendous step by step tv wastehole. the dress is silver and shiny and clingy which is generic and fine. meanwhile suzanne's face is spackled plus airbrushed plus fake plus scary but she's smiling and friendly.

then she holds up her purse and says her stepdaughter also made it, which is fine again. then she says it has her initials so no one will mistake it for their own, unless there are stormtroopers around, and then she gives a playful pantomimy scan for stormtroopers while holding up her purse. suzanne somers, get it? so she's not talking star wars stormtroopers, 'kay? though i guess this is all fine, because where is nazi humor more fitting than at a vanity fair party? don't they have stories on the intermingling of nazis and celebrities like every other month?

dead blogging the grammys

8-9pm grammys look suspiciously like american idol. wait, this can't be the grammys - paula abdul is talking. paris bennett. katharine mcphee. mandisa hundley. taylor hicks. you're on your way.

9-10:50pm grammys look suspiciously like the final two episodes of african american lives.

10:51pm christina aguilera kills it with herbie hancock. reports to the contrary, she hasn't collagened her upper lip. it's as simple and real as ever. and she can sing.

to be honest, i did channel flip a few times...

8-8:03pm animated gorillaz sucked.  madonna sucked.  cbs sucked.

9somethingpm kelly clarkson held her purse higher than her grammy award. that's a girl after my own heart. don't leave your purse unattended, people! kelly and i know.

9somethingpm keith urban has sexy arms.  and a purty mouth.

9somethingpm mariah sure tries hard.  she can sing but she needs to stop flapping around.  she looked like an owl being electrocuted.

10somethingpm paul mccartney should be euthanasiaed.  excuse me, that was rude.  sir paul mccartney.

11:07pm someone thanked g-d.  is there some award on a higher plane where g-d is thanking this grammy winner?  that's a no.

11:09pm deathroll time.  oh no!  robert moog died last year.  bwahhh wippaaa qwiiiiii.

grammys aren't over but i'm switching to a simpsons rerun. i can't take another vcast commercial. i don't want to watch tv on my cell phone. probably because i don't have a cell phone.

deep inside madonna

sitting on the bus peering into all available apartment windows i saw the impossible - a bucket of kentucky fried chicken lamp. the hypothetical "colonel" was clearly glowing and edison was clearly thinking this was not what he had in mind with the whole lightbulb concept. since i cannot find a kentucky fried chicken bucket lamp online, i must assume it is a one of a kind, likely created by a sassy and ironic vegan.

even though kelly clarkson is just about as mainstream as you can get, i still am excited she's performing on the grammy awards. being as she's a size 8 or maybe even 10, she never would have gotten a record deal without american idol and will always seem to me a bit of an industry outsider. i'll always root for her. it's sick but i will. i say put her up just before madonna to make madge's voice look maximally post menopausal quaaluded alvin and the chipmunks. i hope madonna falls down and cracks open then everyone will see there's nothing inside but sweaty spandex and loose change and a halfway made friendship bracelet.

that's hot!  well at least the shot himself in the head part, not the hurting and killing other people part.