ultranow

jay brannan is the most super talented guy and makes sure us romantics keep dreaming

download jay brannan's album "goddamned" from itunes or get it from www.jaybrannan.com. this guy has pipes, soul, amazing lyrics, humor, hope and oh yeah, he's totally fucking gay as hell (and totally gorge). but you got to listen all the way through on this video to really get it. and remember, his album is flawless quality, not all youtubed audio. okay, get out your tissues:

men forever eventually one at a time i don't know what i'm doing yes i do

okay, next on my quest to extract one great one from the manpile is workout buddy culture.  got one lined up for sunday.  and i think i'm officially adding making out to the things i won't do until after a first date.  kissing is just too emotional for me (thankfully) because i'm not an autopilot sex pig who can be on with an instant sex object of choice, unless i fully believe it's not definitively a first and last kiss.  meaning my body, even when vulnerable and needing touch, must be on my side first and by my and mean my emotions and spirit too.  okay, i'm not making out with guys i meet in bars even if we do hang out for two hours or close to it and i don't make out until halfway into that or close to it because they never call because no matter how clear i am that i am not going home with them that night they think it's this seduction deal where i'll change my mind and go home with them and yes that includes walking me to get a cab because they are hoping for a last minute sex invite and besides where i walk to get a cab is right close to a sex club but then again so is my whole neighborhood.  i don't get this dating sex romance hope possibility destruction thing.  i won't get it ever.  all i know is how to take care of myself, be myself, and see someone else for who he is.  no secret on where to meet people.  that would be wherever people are. hello.  i'm ready.  and this is what serial dating and attempts at dating look like.  this is it.  not always fun.  not always rewarding.  but at least i'm narrowing down the pool of eligibles.  i just hope i can keep my tact up because next guy i may just ask "are you my damn husband or what?"  but damn that guy last weekend was a great kisser.  guess i could call him too though he already said he would take me out to dinner or make me dinner and then never called but i'm not into games so i may call.  in a couple of days.  maybe.

oprah is a sign of whatever the opposite of apocalypse is

oh did i forget to mention i was taking a blog-cation?  for, um, a week and three days?  well i did and i'm back.  so much has changed.  i missed the whole rosie o'donnell sex tape thing, the whole spaceship crashing into the white house thing, and the whole "man killed by rainbow" viral video that's everywhere, like a virus of some sort.

blame it on a new netflix membership.  suffer, local neighborhood video store small business!  that and not having anything to say for a bit. 

so i found an oprah magazine abandoned in public.  i asked the closest person if it was hers and she said no so i grabbed it and proclaimed to her:  "it's a sign.  there is something in this magazine that will change my life!"  i've scoured the pages (scoured means skimmed, right?) and i believe i've found it.

between the article "the miracle worker" on sjp's admirable cheapo multi-sizo bitten line, and queen latifah opining "like any girl whose body is changing, i felt unsure of who i was becoming." (uh, you're becoming queen latifah...duh!) between those pages was why i found the magazine, or more precisely, why it found me.  and i quote:

"now mcdonald's puts nutritional information on many [not all] of their products.  so i don't have to wonder [but could still worry] about the quality and nutrition my kids are getting at mcdonald's.  foods like chicken mcnuggets made with [not "of"] white meat, fresh crunchy apple dippers [dipped in what?] and calcium-rich low fat milk [full of bovine growth hormone].  compared to a lot of the foods my kids love at home [like captain crunch and legos?], mcdonald's is a great [cheap] choice.  i guess that's why it's called a happy meal."

why is this a sign?  because i know for a fact that i can see through spin a mile away, which means i'm pretty darn unfoolable by some man again, which means i'm ready to date again.  thanks, oprah!

and i thought i was negative

from seattle craigslist m4m (yes i go there sometimes, but only to judge, like now): 

"Most of the time I don't like most gay folks, so if in doubt...I probably won't like you."

on my knees in my apartment with two strong men over me - no, really

in considering whether or not to go out tonight, which would inevitably mean eventually hitting the seattle eagle, i just did itunes-mancy and got the following eerie three:

• no more tears
• my boyfriend
• on top

combine that with it being assless chaps night at the eagle and i don't know what the hell to do.  did i mention it was the diana degarmo version of no more tears?  that's embarrassing i have that for sure, though she did a stint in hairspray after ai so that makes it better i guess.  now if i don't go out but i don't want to stay in, is there a third option?  what isn't out or in?   sleep i think.  last time i was at the eagle someone told me dreams are out of body experiences.  well i fought really hard to get into my body so why would i want to ever go out of it i don't know.  unless there was a sale somewhere.

two movers delivered my long ago ordered furniture today.  'spensive kind since i can't afford a condo so why the hell not get nice furniture.  the key moment was when one brought in an ottoman and took the time to introduce himself and shake my hand while holding the ottoman one handed.  he was mike - a shit eating grin seann william scott clone except strong.  i like muscled powermen in shorts carrying things and shaking my hand. 

the sex moment was when i realized there was some wrapping around the chrome swivel base of one of the chairs i got and they offered to lift the chair while i removed the wrapping.  so i was literally on my knees and all i could see was their bodies from the upper thighs down.  bulging thighs.  tan calves.  penis containing homo collages on canvas at their eye level.  oh i also noticed the chrome swivel base and removed the wrapping as planned and caught a quick reflection of the same thing i already saw but from a different angle.  as i wrote the check i thought i heard the seann clone say condoms but then i realized he was saying concept 2 because i have that rower.  he was bragging how he has the best time at the 10,000m distance on the concept 2 at his gym.  i said i can manage 2000m, which while true was irrelevant somehow.

i believe the reason some of us are attracted to straight men is not for the fact that they are straight, but for the fact of their confidence, bravado, i rule the world attitude - and general lack of self-hate.  it's sexy to not be afraid of life or self.  to not be afraid of going out and being.  still don't know what i'm going to do tonight.

what? a feeling!

i can think of no better way to celebrate my finally buying some styling jeans (two pairs actually) than with irene cara's what a feeling (ultranow distressed denim mix).  just like fashion, the key with this track is layering.  actually i think that's out.  the key to fashion is nudity.  in advance of nudity, i discovered my taste in denim is not for the extremely deconstructed (rips and tears and sludge) but for the non-generic branded designer jeans (not levis, not diesel) from somewhere else in the world where they understand my legs and ass.  the names of the companies which understand my legs and ass are little big and j & co.  love them.  the challenge has been, as with purchasing furniture, the balancing of form (gay) and function (jewish).  this is a broad stereotype i'm applying to myself, and yet it's completely accurate in this context.  bottom line, i want it all, and at a reasonable price.  i spent a bit but but but i am worth it, or at least my ass and legs are, and that business up front.

i had a thought a couple of nights ago right as i was going to sleep.  a psychotic thought.  luckily it faded away after a few moments.  the belief in the idea faded, not the memory of the idea.  the idea is that i am meant to be myself, and not just when i'm alone.  i'm meant to be myself around men.  around prospective dates and boyfriends and lovers.  i really love the word lovers.  it's dreamy.  the idea is that i haven't met solid matches yet because i'm a fraud from the get go.  i look at myself through another man's eyes and become who i think he wants me to be and i wish he would become who i want him to be.  but who can keep up that level of self/partner-delusion for long?  besides candy spelling.  i'm so on tori's side by the way.  she wanted to do an aaron spelling tribute and candy blocked tori's use of the clips.  what the hell?  what's she gonna hump the clips?  anyway...

manmoney

thanks to wealthymen.com, i will now be able to "meet wealthy men and beautiful women" and experience a "higher caliber online dating experience".  that's what i want to hear when i'll be meeting online strangers face to face - the word "caliber".

choosing from the teaser shots of those in range of seattle, i'm most in immediate permanent love with "drfeelgood005" (top center), especially since he's 86 and his photo "proves" he's a catalog model, since that's where it was swiped from.  he's the l.l. beaniest!  dig that herc'n neck muscle.  yum.

for a pure romp, how could i go wrong with "tkok1" (to the good dr's right).  guess his kok is shaped like the letter t, when he holds it that way.

below him is "proczak" of the green drink.  is it midori?  scope?  poison?  and is proczak the kind of prozac you buy off of craigslist?

bottom left is a weird mel gibson squish known as "mibsen".  maybe i should change my name to a squish of mel gibson apologist jodie foster.  joster.  it's psychedelic, in a lesbian closet case kind of way. 

my last gasp attempt would be "5914hannah" (bottom right).  i'm just concerned he's already 4hannah.  what would be left 4me?  a cowboy hat and an empty wallet?  what the hell am i supposed to do with those, a midnight cowboy impression?

early century modern

how is it not all about modern times by j-five feat. charlie chaplin (rove dogs remix) [expired] right now?  it's the only thing i can listen to at the moment, mostly because of the line "people have to yell nowadays to get heard" which was really creepy to hear while i found out about the shooting yesterday.  when someone tells me to "get up and get down move to the music" i really want to but i can't always comply.  the last time i got down to the music i couldn't get up after.

i used to dance.  on speakers even.  shirtless.  yet not in a circuit boy way because i could never pass for that.  i danced because it was what to do.  i went to the gym because it was what to do.  i'm not a puppet anymore though.  i think about why i do what i do.  and if it's for me or someone else.  i thought working out was for me and i'm trying to pick up my workouts lately.  to actually build momentum enough to have a bodyshaping impact.  and i hit a wall.

i started thinking well i'm not dating anyone now anyway so what's the point?  as in my body is for other people not me.  so that's what i thought years ago too when i was working out everyday which is disturbing.  it was never for me.  and now i want it to be.  i want that to be enough reason to be strong and healthy.  i have some momentum now and i'm going to do my best to keep going.

i just hope i don't go the opposite and when i do have a boyfriend say to myself well fuckit i have a man i can let myself go.  because that will just be the whole angelina jolie phenomenon.  ever since brad, she's just collagen, a mop and oranges.  i never want to let myself go to that level.

reichen dumps lance bass for himself

okay not really but isn't that what everyone is implying with their "lance bass is so fug" and "reichen lehmkuhl deserves better" comments? there hasn't been this much uproar since the whole paulina porizkova ric ocasek supermodel monster partnership.  it's all i've heard since lance proclaimed his anal desires/gayness.

given, lance was wrong in thinking his coming out back in the early '00s would have made a lick of difference in *nsync's success (yes i used the asterisk).  as if the screams weren't 85% for justin, 39% for j.c., 12% for joey (the bears), 2% for chris (who?) and 0.000001% for lance (said pro-lance screams emanating from lance's mom and a younger reichen).  yes that's more than 100% total but clearly boyband fans can't add.  to add to lance's old school fug cred i guarantee there were plenty of bedrooms where lance's part of the posters got covered with justin solo pics and a wb starboy shot or two.

but all that said, isn't reichen just about always going to be the hottest one in any relationship?  um, yes.  and reichen's a millionaire on his own so is clearly dating lance for real.  he's a non-shallow, intelligent, built, successful and thankfully imperfect man (his nipples are too flat).  he chooses lance for now and lance is handsome to him and that's all that matters.

i can't wait until they have kids, and their kids have kids.  the world will be a better, safer place with a little reichen the third running around.

five self-embarrassingnesses (yes, paris hilton is involved)

five  sometimes i'm afraid to make eye contact with people because i think their eyes are going to shoot death rays and turn me into a colander, and not the good kind of colander from sur la table but the bad kind from ikea (which i pronounce icky).  i have never been proven wrong.

four  i don't always think kathy griffin is 100% brilliantly hilarious (more like 79%).  face it people, she's d list for a reason.

three  i've turned down one night stand opportunities that i actually secretly wanted at the time but was too busy maintaining a self-contained i'm looking for a boyfriend posture to admit to myself that the person offering wasn't boyfriend material but was sexbomb material that would have made everything better for exactly that one night.  these turn downs do not even include men who've flirted with me to whom i've remained oblivious because i'm not in a mode that can conceive of a man flirting with me because i'm not feeling my best at the moment.  what's embarrassing are the lies i've told myself about men, about who they are and who i want them to be.  and the lies i've told myself about myself, about who i am and what i want, and who i want to be, and who i want to want and why.  if it feels good do it is not what i'm talking about.  if it feels good, consider doing it.  if it feels good, it feels good.  feel.  good.

two  if i ever get a dog, i'm going to name it mr. rogers and we'll watch mr. rogers together and cry often and deeply, especially during that episode where the goldfish dies.  and most especially on that episode where daniel the tiger does anything because i love daniel the tiger.  still.

one  after being clued into its existence yesterday by chrisafer at blah, blah, black sheep, i can't stop listening to this song [expired].  as in can't stop.  as in its play count in my itunes would be 27 if i ever let it get to the very end.  as in its play count on my mp3 player would also be 27 if it could count.