ultranow

britney, adam and nicole

npr's 50 most important recordings of the decade and freakily enough britney spears is on it. how classy am i that i am informed about something on npr? so very classy. i heard them talk about it in a cab.

adam lambert's interview at out and oh yeah, there was some stink about his stipulations regarding not talking about politics and the editor wrote a pissed off open letter to adam. frankly, i don't care what adam lambert has to say about politics. i would rather hear him lecture on leather pants. or make that pleather. i'm not into animal suffering.

nicole won the petite cycle of antm. it was the finest cycle that i've sped through in short bits on youtube ever. tyra's behavior this season was boring yet occasionally reprehensible as in her cross-racial photoshoot where she had one model be native american, then told her to look up to the sky at an imaginary eagle while the sound effect (added later for the tv audience only) cawed. plus there was an asian girl in blackface. i'm canceling my membership in the naatp. the national association for the advancement of tyra people. but nicole did deserve to win. all hail nicole and her soon to be mostly invisible modeling career.

britney spears attempts rihanna-ness with quasi-feminist "womanizer"

hey, look closely. it's got a square scrambled egg. radical!

yo details magazine

i didn't subscribe to you so why are you here? was it my purchase from one of those men's underwear websites that somehow you just know that you want me in your demographics? but how can i be a willing participant in the details world takeover when #1 ashton is on the cover (hated it! not two snaps up!) and #2 you have this stupid shit caption under a big picture of the inventive and sincerely wonderful robyn:

"Her 1997 international hit Show Me Love got Robyn labeled as Sweden's Britney."

um, dumbasses: see britney didn't chart until hit me baby one more time in fall 1998. all robyn got labeled as was a teen popstar. and i remember robyn performing on showtime at the apollo, what had been and is to remain a britney-free cultural institution. in 1997 britney was giving birth in the bathroom at prom.

britney spears blah blah blah

on the off chance that since this is a gay blog there's an expectation of occasional britney spearsness, since i really don't have anything to say about her i haven't already, here's a montage-a-google of "britney spears disaster" which ought to cover it.

why britney spears creates mass cultural anxiety

nouveau riche white blonde famous young people are supposed to have perfect lives, especially as they appear on the surface, if not deep down.  she does not have a perfect surface life.  and though not relevant to all, is also not perfect deep down.

nouveau riche white blonde famous young people are supposed to create envy and desire and drive self-hatred based economy.  she is only driving paparazzi economy (which includes cnn). 

mass cultural anxiety about britney spears is easier for individuals to write off as silly than mass cultural anxiety about war, health care, the economy, etc. which people are more likely to avoid feeling in the first place because that type of anxiety cannot be written off except by the most self-deluded.

maybe she sells less records because everyone sells less records because of piracy but it's easier to have mass cultural anxiety about britney spears than to have mass cultural anxiety about destruction of intellectual property rights.

britney spears creates mass cultural anxiety because it seems as if britney spears creates mass cultural anxiety whereas in reality mass cultural anxiety exists independently of britney but without britney what it may attach itself to is harder to digest than britney and by digest i mean destroy and make room for another britney.  which is why after we pay attention to massive horrifying global and national issues, it takes britney to wash it down.

the only thing that will stop this cycle is making genuine progress on issues of most importance.  hope and progress.  then britney can go back to just being britney and not be so tangled up in our collective need to escape the world.  then britney can go back to just being britney and not be so tangled up in our collective need to believe perfection is even possible and that happiness eludes all but the nouveau riche white blonde famous young people among us.  i don't need to believe.  i don't believe.  i don't need to escape.  i don't escape.

p.s. in case you're wondering, i'm busy getting my ph.d. in britneyology.  i already have my masters in joan collins engineering.

jamie lynn spears is totally totally totally, um, pregnant?

this doesn't matter because it's not about britney except i tagged this post britney because jamie lynn is a nobody.  unless britney is the father or kevin federline is the mother or however that works.  she's 16, y'all.  and unless it's a total hoax, it's real, unlike her hair color(s). 

she's all starring in zoey 101 on nickelodeon.  these teen pregnancy things are only supposed to happen on degrassi so i don't know what's going to happen to zoey.  hopefully it will be replaced by some episodes of three's company, though it's that lax attitude as promoted by jack, janet and chrissy of santa monica, california which cause teen pregnancy.  that and penis juice.

i just hope if she leaves it in a dumpster that it's a really nice dumpster.  lots of bling.  maybe a big friendship bracelet on it.

and for goodness sake, i hope she doesn't get too fat, because if she gains weight during pregnancy and keeps it on after, she'll be a poor role model for rich, teen mothers.

or did britney sabotage her sister's condoms or birth control pills to take the heat off her own life?  this would ironically make it about britney though it's technically not about britney.

did britney spears post a comment on my blog?

though i now moderate all comments (yo if your "name" is a racial epithet i'm not publishing you! and yo slimfast spam, i'm also not publishing you!) i did just publish the comment by your pathetic on my post britney spears is dead.  this simultaneously anti-gay, pro-britney rant brings me back to the days of nightmarific phyllis schlafly. where music and  gay-bashing unite.  does this mean britney's gay fans have abandoned her so much what remains are homophobic lunatics who can't spell?  possibly the mystery commenter is britney herself?

britney spears is dead!

sorry, just practicing.  maybe better headlines will be:

• britney boo hoo
• britneys spears's dead
• britney! spears! dead!
• mars needs britney spears dead!
• brit coffin to have it's day in the sun
• heaven's latest resident loves chewing tobakki
• britney spears dead one day, then alive the next, then dead again

this is horrible.  must stop.  can't stop.

• busted behemoth bumpkin britney buried below before billions

alternate britney theories

forget the post-partum depression, new divorcée, alcoholic, jealous of christina/mariah/madonna/gwen, never stretched her wings theories.  try these.  i bet one is spot on, like when you have a list of conspiracy theories one of them has to be right.

• realizing each album she makes sells less then the previous one, she has chosen a tabloid income and is being paid under the table for each exploit, not just by the national enquirer, star and us weekly, but also by mainstream media like nbc and cnn.  interesting how there ends up being a photo of every painful moment and each is so to the limit.
• michael jackson has taken psychic possession of her body.
• britney has been dead since 2002 and everything we're witnessing now were pre-recorded alternate endings never meant to air, like those shot for the friends series finale.
• britney is actually 15 years old so all this is normal.
• she is trying to develop alt-punk-rocker cred in order to fill the wendy o. williams spot.
• kabbalah made britney crrrazy.
• britney's together and the rest of us are totally fucked up.
• pon'far
• she got tired of being fake.
• money doesn't make people happy.

constitution of the united states of britney

we, the people of the united britney, in order to form a more perfect britney, establish justice, insure britney tranquility, provide for the common britney, promote the britney welfare, and secure the blessings of britney to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this constitution for the united states of britney, which so reads:  stay in fucking rehab already you psychotic sack of human lunchmeat and it's not even real rehab you're bouncing in and out of it's promises which is like the club med of rehab so go to fucking betty ford or go to a hospital and stay there for weeks and weeks and weeks because i hate your cheap wig and i hate your post-career career and your kids need you to get better and then go home and buy them things like children's books by celebrities and organic cookies by non-celebrities and a new cd by you which you wouldn't have to buy but would have to make see i'm not angry at you i just can't believe with so much money that you can't get help at least pr help my goodness please get out of the news and don't do another reality show or die just get out of the news now and get some help from people who want to help you and don't just want your money dammit.