ultranow

tel aviv shooting protesters attacked

giant cosmic no to this damn hate

gunman kills 2 at tel aviv club for gay youths (make that 3)

fuck to the no. jew on jewgay violence is not the key to world peace. which means those orthodox jews chasing bruno down the street in the bruno movie were about to beat the shit out of him for real. but back to a real event.  here's the stupidest line in the story: "Tel Aviv police chief Shachar Ayalon stopped short of branding the shooting a hate crime in remarks to reporters." uh, yeah. no hate happening at all. duh, it wasn't a fucking robbery.

august 3 update: gay shooting inflames debate in israel

to a perverted criminal

will the pervert who has been stealing my underwear from the laundry room (black n2n contour pouch brief and black cin2 lo-rise square cut for example) do one or more of the following, and i mean now:

• wash and return them
• be a man (by which i mean if you're a woman become a man because i'm a homo), put on a pair of mine you stole, knock on my door, and be available for hours of passion (or to get punched in the face if you're not cute enough)
• wash a dozen you stole from some other guy and give them to me (must be size medium, or potentially if my workouts go as planned, then can be size small)
• knock it the fuck off

thanks so much,  ya munt.

ellen's plea

how does flirting over cake turn into a horrible discovery?

so i go for a walk on christmas eve, or as it's known to jews - december 24th.  i'd eaten dinner already, felt cooped up in my apartment and despite the cold, just needed to get out.  the plan was to hang out with friends on christmas proper.  december 24th was going to be all about digital cable and non-digital food.

so i end up on a popular consumer strip where i knew some places would still be open and i wander into a shop that sold dessert among other things.  i'll treat myself, i figured.  i was absorbed in the cake display and told the clerk i needed more time, eventually asking him, with as much serious as such as a question could allow "do you have any cakes specifically designed for jews on christmas?"  to which he replied "oh, you're jewish?  are all jews as incredibly handsome as you?"  which blindsided me to the max.

i'm not entirely used to compliments out of the blue like that (though of course we all know i'm incredibly handsome, ahem, my body language is one of the most effective deterrents to human contact known to gay man.)  i'm also naturally suspicious, so i say "only those of us who are about to decide how big a tip to leave."  which is an asshole thing to say on my part, but it's what came out.

so he says he's not saying it to get a tip and he doesn't say that to everybody.  so i say "i'm the only jew in the world and i'm the best looking jew."  which gets into bizarre territory as attempted flirts go because it makes no sense and doesn't go with my first response.  so i then pick the strawberry white cake white icing with almonds (which is called a "gateau" on the little card).  i chose it because it looked suitably garish and decadent, especially in terms of the price.  continuing my fumbling, because he is handsome, i point out that gateau means cake, which i told him i figured out from the context.  off-putting body language is looking pretty good in comparison to this exchange.

he's still smiling though when he has me walk around to the register side.  he asks me my name and i say and then he tells me his, which sounds like, let's just say, a wwii related word.  then he goes to the back to get my slice, since he needs to leave the display case one alone for future garishness.

when he comes back i ask him the spelling of his name, because if it was what i thought he'd told me, it would have been a sleight on my person and jewishtacity.  he said, oh not that way it's [such and such spelling.]  we made a little more small talk, then i belatedly thanked him for the compliment and told him i was flattered and he said he was glad he'd at least learned my name and he hoped i stopped by his store again soon.  i felt he was sincere at that moment.  i walked home with my slice and it was good, especially the strawberries.  i thought of potentially better responses like:  "since your shop isn't crowded right now, do you mind if i stand here and flirt with you stupidly for awhile?"  though i don't know if that's really better.

waking up today, i felt good about a guy hitting on me, though i still partially felt maybe it had been for a tip or to fuck with me in some way.  but part of me definitely felt it could have been genuine and maybe i should stop by his shop again after all.  i resolved to talk to my friend about it later [today] and get some advice.  so i go over her place for christmas dinner, or december 25th dinner.  and by the way earlier today, g-d or mother nature or whoever was so cliché because it was snowing on christmas.  whatever.

because his first name was so distinctive, and because i'd learned the spelling since it was a homonym for something horrible so i'd asked, i of course googled him before i left for her apartment.  i found a myspace for a music group he's in, saw his face picture and everything.  so at my friend's apartment, i tell her the whole story up to this point, google him to get his myspace and before i click that, i scan down for other google results.  what i found is after the jump.  and it's not pretty.

can star trek iv (or greenpeace) please stop this from happening?

massive whaling expedition (i.e. whale murder)

in defense of idaho senator larry craig

larry craig.  larry craig.  senator craig.  senator larry.

• people shouldn't be arrested in airport bathrooms for allegedly looking through a stall door, tapping one's foot (even if in that come hither way), blocking the underneath of one's stall door with luggage, and waving one's hand under the partition.  none of those things are sex or in and of themselves lewd.  they just aren't.
• when he says he's not gay, i see no reason not to believe him.  as christopher isherwood expressed beautifully:  being homosexual means you want to have sex with a man while being gay means you can fall in love with a man.  or something like that.
• while i understand the desire to call him on hypocrisy since he's this "family" values, anti-gay legislator, i don't think it's necessary to have airport lewdness on him, or other examples, in order to criticize his voting record based solely on that record, not his personal life.  otherwise, it's saying he's worse than the other "family" values, anti-gay legislators out there and last i checked, enda isn't law yet despite what heterosexual things do or don't go on in the bedrooms and local airport bathrooms of those legislators.
• the late night talk shows (letterman and leno in particular) have made homophobic jokes about the situation that are cringeworthy and disgusting.  here, i'll make up one myself that's just as good:  "a closeted gay senator named larry?  shocking!  what's next, a power bottom florist named bruthe?"
• straight men have sex with other men every damn day of the world life week year.  take that in, america.
• at least he's not peeling off his shirt like putin.
• as if idaho is going to elect some gay activist in his place.  whoever replaces him, if he resigns or doesn't re-run, will probably be worse.  i don't see gayle king running for idaho senator and she's the only one who could turn it around for us.  love me some gayle king.

catch-up post

i've definitely not been posting as much lately.  at first i thought it was because of blog block.  then having nothing to say about the world, which would be called more generally world block.  but since i always have something to say about just i everything, i ultimately realized it's just been because i've been devoting my energies elsewhere - shopping, social life, netflix, career.  so i don't lose the "now" in ultranow, i am giving my blog a promise ring to keep it fed, and you all too.   the promise ring is made of tinfoil, because i'm cheap, or at least am again after all the shopping i've been doing.  here's some stuff that's been stuck in my brain.

• the lindsay lohan "it's not mine!" excuse around the cocaine in her pocket is infinitely implausible.  since when has she done anyone a favor?  plus this guy in line at a safeway i bought vinegar and a protein bar at said to what i reasoned was his aa buddy that the holding it for someone else deal is totally 6th grade.  then he tried to flirt with this woman by saying her dove bar looked good.  she tried to unflirt with him by denying his existence.
• whoopi goldberg is a horrible choice for the view.  she hasn't made me laugh since the color purple.  shoulda gone with kathy griffin, babs.  whoopi will never get the youtube hits needed to to to...what do youtube hits do?
• i'm going to take some graphic design classes at night because that's what night is for because day is for work.  i'm totally going bilberry, blueberry and carrot-tastic so my eyes don't fry.  when you get older, your lenses get stiffer so it's harder to transition from near to far and back.  it can cause strain.  and i'm oooollllllldddddd.  though i'm still generation x.  that won't ever change.  now i'm mid to late 30s is all.  still have time to be the next grandma moses.  plus phyllis diller didn't start comedy until 37, or at least didn't get paid for it until then.
• in the back of my head, i think i read somewhere that there is going to be a new fame movie but i'm scared to try to confirm it.  fame is nothing without gene anthony ray, so they shouldn't fucking bother.  you just know an american idol castoff will be cast and ruin it.
• ratatouille is a fine movie, if you like excellent animation, tight action, hordes of rats which when swarming are rather nauseating but when in small groups or as individuals are serviceably cute, and about 40 different morals jammed into the mix.  for my book, that's 41 too many.  i think i'm going to get a beta.  need some life in this apartment, beyond the judy blume books i've been taking out of the library.  did i ever mention i dream of being a children's book author, or more specifically a published children's book author, or more specifically judy blume or roald dahl or judy dahl or i guess me because they can't write what i write either.  although i swear i would've come up with a book called fudge-a-mania too, just like judy did.

david vitter makes hypocrisy unhip

republican u.s. senator from louisiana david vitter is a lot of things.   

according to his site he "...is dedicated to making life better for his young family and all louisiana families. he’s focused on putting louisiana first as an independent and outspoken reformer, and on advancing mainstream conservative principles."

according to me, he was on my short list for sexy senators (of which john thune was the winner).  trust me it was very slim pickings so he shouldn't let it go to his head.

and according to the news, senator david vitter admitted today that his old phone number was in the phone records of the woman who currently holds the title "the d.c. madam".  he calls it a "very serious sin in his past" (just has to get religion in there somewhere) and neglects to cite the hypocrisy of his 2004 campaign promise regarding "protecting the sanctity of marriage" and his co-authoring of the anti-homo federal marriage act.  perhaps he'd be in favor of a law which granted homosexuals equal rights to frequent whores?

p.s. he also authored a bill prohibiting senators from being johns.  okay, that last one isn't true.  exactly.

chris benoit murder suicide extravaganza

of all the professional wrestlers who could possibly kill their families and then themselves, why did it have to be chris benoit's murder suicide shenanigans?  why couldn't it have been hulk hogan to do the deeds?  at least then daughter brooke's music career would be over.  oh wait, it already is.

time will tell if it was 'roid rage, but for now i'm just glad chris never took me up on an offer i made via a homemade sign i brought to a wwe show at seattle's key arena a few year's ago.  it was simply a downward arrow pointing at myself and the now horrifying words "future mrs. benoit!"  my alternate sign "take me to the edge!" directed at, of course, edge had actually been greeted with a friendly nod by edge himself.  benoit thankfully ignored me.

joking about the deaths last night with a friend, because that's how we roll, we wondered if benoit had killed them with his trademark crippler crossface.  since his son died of being smothered, this actually now seems like a possibility.  somehow murder suicide is not funny today.  or at least not as funny.

but back to air quotes funny.  since he was known as the rabid wolverine, perhaps the medical examiner will discover he actually had rabies and there can be a panic inducing headline "rabid wolverine kills family then self!"

he's still one of the hottest pieces of rough trade wrestling has ever produced, even if he's dead.  goodbye chris.

p.s. possibly wwe should have waited on airing the hours long benoit tribute it did on monday night.  tributes to murderers aren't as cool as they used to be.