ultranow

disturbingly extreme cuteness and pathos generating 1999 swedish annies maria hazell and frida von schewen

horror and whatever the opposite of horror is

• for the cuh-rafty cuh-pedophile who pays his cuh-victims, it's the undies wallet.  while i accept that non-pedophiles may enjoy making one and that it may be some innocent yet kitschy project, it's still totally creepy with a capital creep.
• undead viral marketing to which i am a willing partner.
• beedogs has new beedogs and equally as joyous and hypnotic as the beedogs is the coaxifying next page link language such as "controversial new research has suggested that prolonged periods of beedog viewing can be detrimental to one’s health. is clicking through to the next page a risk you are willing to take?"  so glory in the new batch or start from the beginning while i put beedog honey in my tea.

cuh yute

too short a bus ride to bother putting on my headphones and mp3ing since i'm way overdo to switch out the songs anyway (yay 512MB limit!) so i was stuck with the music of my fellow bus travelers, all of whom were objectively awful human beings. behind me was an exuberant cellphoner who automatically got bonus points for not gushing "i'm on the bus right now!" what he in fact said was "i've got a calve's liver and i'm going to go home and cook it up and [insert his attemptedly funny pretend french chef banter which made me think how i will always miss julia childs because she cooked french but didn't try to talk in some frenchie-poo voice]."

then he has to overenunciate "calve's" 40 times because i think the plural possessive confused whoever was on the other end of the line because it was the wrong usage unless he'd bought more than one to eat in a sitting which is extreme. he likely should have said "calf's" or simply "calf" liver.

satisfied he'd been understood, he moved on to the joke he'd spent hours coming up with: "i was going to buy a lamb's heart too but i don't think i can eat that much cute." after which he was at his stop and walked past my seat enabling me to see that, lo and behold, he was wearing a beret. now that's commitment to a bit. still i'm 90% sure there was nobody on the other end of his cell.

p.s. i can eat that much cute and i don't mean lamb's heart.  i do mean cupid ass.

evolution of the cozy

tea

cell

penis

7th will & grace heaven

as will & grace and 7th heaven sputter to their respective series finales, i'd like to share the lessons i've learned from these two nearly opposite shows.

1. you don't need big ratings to be the #1 show on the wb.
2. it's people who dress boring and ugly who pick on other people's clothes for being boring and ugly. witness karen always pointing out the flaws in grace's drobe of war when all karen ever wears are scoop or v-neck, sleeve to the elbow, plain tops and to the knee plain skirts. maybe a scarf or two and some diamonds. i'm sure up close her duds are supposed to be a minimum of $1000 apiece from some designer so big i'm not even allowed to say the name, but on tv they just look like jaclyn smith collection. and jack in his constant khakis and white button downs putting down will in his kenneth cole. maybe the writers are being supersmart and trying to showcase jack and karen's insecurities. maybe.
3. sometimes cute kid actors grow up to be cute young adult actors and cute adult actors. witness mackenzie rosman and david gallagher. though 21 might still hit both of them hard and make them sweetinize (i.e. go all jodie sweetin meth addict).
4. gay actors are better at playing straight characters than straight actors are at playing gay characters. i look at will's eyes and i just don't see gay. not at all. sarcasm does not equal gay. if that were true every jew would be gay and i wouldn't be a double minority, just some sort of unified jewgay vs jewish and gay. though i guess there would still be gays who weren't jewish. but that could be fixed by strapping nonjew gays down to plastic covered couches and making them watch a marathon of the nanny.
5. 7th heaven dad stephen collins was really bad in star trek: the motion picture, but it wasn't his fault because he's honestly a good actor. personally i loved him most in the indiana jones tv ripoff tales of the gold monkey.
6. 7th heaven mom catherine hicks was perfect in star trek iv. perfect. on the tube, her high expectations for her family members moved me because i always wanted a family that wanted me to succeed and be happy. tear. moving on.
7. debra messing is the best actor on that show. she gets compared to lucille ball sometimes but i think debra's better. really.
8. sometimes it takes a, b, c and d plots working together to drive home a point on morality and choices. which made 7th heaven preachy and hokey sometimes, but if you're watching it and the life lesson is one you never learned that will actually make your life better potentially, it's okay. plus they had eileen brennan on sometimes as a cranky old lady and i adore her. actually she guested on will & grace as jack's severe and demanding acting teacher. she is the missing link.
9. some shows can't ever have spinoffs. though it would be cool to check in with the cast of both shows after the rapture. with 7th heaven, it would be the end of the world rapture deal. with will & grace, it would be a new club in soho.
10. if i miss both too much, i can always track down a gay themed after school special from the '80s, like the one with ed marinaro as the coach helping this kid accept himself. that was good. and since 7th heaven is an after school special and will & grace is gay, i'll be covered.

cute cuter cutest skank

cute cute cute

cute! cute! cute!
(from sugar bush squirrel)

not cute! not cute! not cute!
(no matter how sexually provocative/repulsive
dick cheney's dick/colostomy bag bulge is)