ultranow

lady gaga: master of the universe

you could watch the whole video but all that really matters as far as excessive camp value (is their any other kind?) is the first bit where the miss universe contestants are attempting to dance in the background. not that gaga and her crew of two are much better. if this what it takes to get an extended dance remix on tv, it's hardly worth it. i blame the donald trump organization.

farewell cyd charisse

megastar (yes still dammit) cyd charisse died today at 86. and don't let anyone tell you fergie has great legs. cyd invented legs. and i'm sad.

breakdancing in gymnastics

kinda as ridiculous as when i danced to taylor dayne's "tell it to my heart" at prom. yes with a girl. unfortunately.

the vicodin monologues

pigs on parade is back on the seattle streets and it took about two seconds of one of the sculptures being in westlake center for someone to rip its wings off, thereby destroying the when pigs fly metaphor.  can people please leave public art totally the fuck alone?

my wisdom tooth i had out last week got infected, or should i say the hole that remained got infected, so i'm in total hideous pain, partially from the gut wrenching antibiotics.  for awhile there, i was doing a steve lawrence impression, which if you're old enough you'll know i'm talking about that guy who looked like one side of his jaw was constantly swollen.

my bus driver today kept jerking the bus like it was his minus first day on the job, plus he was singing and talking to himself like a maniac which made me terrified.  more terrified than normal.  this was better than tuesday, when this bag lady, oh i'm sorry that's rude, this bummette paid her fare in pennies.  as in 150 pennies.  she put a plastic bag on the floor of the bus and kept hunching over to pick up handfuls over and over.  i was heard to utter "jesus fucking christ get off the fucking bus, lady."  and i meant it.

when i was getting my antibiotic and extra vicodin prescription filled, i ran into someone i knew through an old job and she told me she sold a design to ikea.  of course i looked it up and it turns out to be true.  see hallaryd.  her artwork, which i personally think is kinda boring, at least in its ikea incarnation, is now in thousands of people's houses, and was in a set shot on dancing with the stars, though that last part i can't fact check because i hate dancing with the stars.  what kills reality shows for me are when i hate one or more of the judges, and on that show i hate all three.  i'm trying to watch so you think you can dance, but i hate mary murphy and mia michaels, so that's going to be tough.

it's amazing how grumpy constant pain can make me.  of course, it's better than what someone else i know has:  flesh eating bacteria on his face.  i'm totally not kidding.  the hospital let him out after giving him antibiotics, but then he had to go back because it was antibiotic resistant flesh eating bacteria.  so blame the healthcare system for not appropriately quarantining contagious people.  don't scapegoat the individuals.  except for typhoid mary.  it was totally her fault she gave everyone her bubonic plague, i mean typhoid.  but speaking of bubonic plague, if you get bubonic plague in your boobs, is it called, boobubonic plague?

wow, posting on vicodin is intense.  time for more hardboiled eggs.  is that hyphenated?

i heart jaymz

heart means gushy schoolgirl love.  schoolgirl means schoolboy in a dress.  a mandress.  and a condom.  jaymz is jaymz tuaileva from orem, utah, a 20 year old finalist on the second season of so you think you can dance, which is a show i love because it's not american idol and because it's dance, okay, and dance is barely ever on tv, especially so many kinds of dance in one show.  hip to the hop, ballroom, swing, lyrical, jazz, ballet, disco.  couples, groups, solos.  all there.  jaymz was in the bottom three guys on thursday which was unexpected but he didn't get eliminated, praise katherine dunham.

i do find him dreamy and athletic and expressive and styled out.  he can move.  and maybe someday he'll smile at me like a fellow nordstrom shopper did at me today.  the smile that says "we are meant for each other" and the eyes that say "stare at me as i stare at you and all around us will disappear as if the bomb has dropped and we are the last two single heroes on this superb planet and we will procreate homosexually and give rise to a species of jaymz" and after his smile and eyes speak to me we will kiss deeply and permanently and all henceforth will have ymz at the end of their name, such as mariaymz, opraymz, pia zadoraymz, willie aamamyz, and the original jaymz.  he's talented.  dance is profoundly amazing and primal and unbearably beautiful to me.  it's almost summer.  the summer of jaymz.  i love cool jaymz.

the russian man cleavage of roman kostomarov

aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

i just wanna fuckin' dance.  which is true because if i don't take dancing lessons again (it's been years) i will burst.  i knew i watched dancing with the stars for a reason besides being jealous of stacy keibler's legs, if i were a girl that is, which maybe i am. i really have no idea. anyway, i'm going to take beginning ballet because among jazz, modern and ballet, all of which i've taken a bit of, ballet was my favorite. except for the moment in modern where the instructor told us to dance our names. so it's beginning ballet for me. i mean fuckin' beginning ballet.

#13 and #6 are my favorites.

so if sandra bernhard died in ghana i guess she'd be buried in a custom made ghanian coffin shaped like either irony or love.

oh, and aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! go sasha, kimmie and now emily i guess. i'll get over it and be cheering when it's time for them to go on. for now, i feel like tonya harding nailed me with a hubcap to the neck and got acquitted by reason of the jury was afraid of her.

newsflash

a funny thing happened today.  i didn't think of tyra.

dancing with the stars is now officially gayer than will & grace. old school metrosexual hoofer george hamilton outgays gay eunuch will, ex-boy bander sweetheart drew lachey outminces jack, vampy desperate tia carrere somehow outjews grace, and gambot sexpot stacey keibler outglams karen. say goodbye will & grace. now. please.

jmg's venn diagram on the lack of hot gay republicans is completely wrong.  i mean whitney houston is a hot gay republican, right? right!?