ultranow

welcome to the tweens

right after an unkosher 30something club kid jew with a backwards chai necklace asked to buy cocaine from me (due possibly to my being in a bret easton ellis less than zero style suit ensemble) a friend brilliantly named this decade (since we had to say goodbye to the aughties).

after i insisted it couldn't just be called the teens because of the first three years of the decade, he suggested the tweens. so officially for 2010, 11 and 12 it will be the tweens. and only 2013 to 19 shall be called the teens. spread the word. ultranow has spoken from on low.

bonus points for acting like a tween the next three years. so buy your mary-kate and ashley collection glitter embossed ensembles at target and get your hannah montana miley cyrus everything on. plus act spoiled and petulant and pointless and demand people buy you things that will fall apart in minutes. we are tweens. you are one of us.

don't ask jess if you know what's good for you

mary-kate and ashley, aka what happens when you crack open an egg and there's blood in it and it gets implanted in a human uterus is born as twins earns a billion dollars and half of it won't eat and drops out of college and the other half overdoses on eyeliner and can't smile, are still at it, hosting the column real girls, real advice with jess on mary-kateandashley.com, all in some well meaning yet perpetually fucked up attempt to help girls with their business. so thank goodness i'm here to give the advice that columnist jessica weiner is incapable of dishing out.

Madison M.: My friends and I at school are in a group called, "The Pretty Committee." There is this girl, who always acts like a stalker to us. I know she is jealous and just wants to fit in. But when I try to talk to her and be a nice person, my friends always yell at me. They say that, if I am nice to her, I can’t be in their group anymore. So, I end up being a snob to her and walking away with my friends. I doubt she is willing to give me more chances. As dorky as I may look, I still want to be her friend. What should I do?

mary-kate and ashley try to help

mary-kate and ashley are smart enough to know any advice they give would be vapid and nonsensical, unless the question is "how do i become a teenage billionnaire?" though their wealth is less impressive when you realize it has to be divided in two. they're now hosting the column real girls, real advice with jess on their domain, the land of the super too old tweens, mary-kateandashley.com.  i guess real girls, real advice with jessica weiner didn't have the same ring to it for them. too jewish and phallic, and so's her last name. perhaps they picked her, a painfully self-titled "actionist", due to some bizaare uncurable uncle jessie hangover. here's some sample advice from jess, followed by the right answer from me.

Sara K.: I am too scared to make out with my boyfriend, and it’s ruining my relationship. How do I stop being too scared to make out?