ultranow

watch the muppets perform bohemian rhapsody while you look at naked pictures of bristol palin's baby daddy

p.s. my understanding is i am posting pictures that were teasers released by playgirl. you are encouraged to buy the magazine and subscribe online. if you are the copyright holder, contact me for removal of photos if desired.

p.p.s. dear levi: hey boo! whatz yo numba? adoringly, your biggest extremely temporary fan

green hats are in

lady gaga is a muppet. muppets are tops. naked guys on couches who wear green hats are begging to be muppet fucked. but who isn't wanting to be penetrated by gender neutral felt? miss piggy don't read this. kermit wants human pig ass now.

kermit goatse

doing my part to make this viral. miss piggy is the one took the picture. [pic from, uh, it's viral so it's from everywhere kinda but i saw it on the internets]

crotch mystery

today i walked past this emergency room on my way to x-files 2 (which by the way it sucks for these reasons: david duchovny has no acting ability; no budget; no aliens; no writers; no car chases; no intrigue; no explosions; no jason statham with his shirt off; no no no no. the only thing it had going for it was a hilarious villain babbling in so fake russian because they couldn't afford a language coach. and a gratuituous shot of a george bush picture while the x-files pied piper theme came up in the background, feeding into the whole george bush is a reptilian humanoid theory.

but before i even got to x-files i saw a guy race walk on his way into that emergency room with a big bag of ice in one hand and grabbing his crotch through his jeans with the other. he looked extremely pained. then a few steps behind was his identical twin. no not another guy holding ice bag and crotch, but his actual biological twin.

so did his twin kick him there? did a bunk bed collapse? did they have some sort of sex accident? did some race of reptilian humanoids do an experiment on one and leave the other alone like one would a control group? why do i wish i'd taken a picture because it would last longer? and when will kermit and miss piggy finally do it? stay tuned.

cookie monster revealed

i took a magnifying glass to him after the jump and found a very interesting parasite.  guess it's what grows when you constantly spill cookie crumbs all over yourself.  better get some tweezers.

diana ross happy happy happy

with all the diana ross looks skillfully recreated for beyoncé's deena jones in dreamgirls, why ever didn't they recreate this one?  possibly the assumed peta membership of the muppets precluded them from working with fur purveyor beyoncé?  i don't care if it's just fur trim on one of your house of dereon outfits, lady.  animals still had to be killed for it.

to keep things even, here's a tip for those of you who wear real fur and get vandalized by protestors wielding buckets of blood.  just say "you know how many fake animals had to die for all that fake blood?  murderers!!!"  i guarantee befuddlement.  and befuddlement guarantees are not offered lightly in this world.

back to the picture.  in case you're not sure, diana's the one whose uvula you can't see.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

i just wanna fuckin' dance.  which is true because if i don't take dancing lessons again (it's been years) i will burst.  i knew i watched dancing with the stars for a reason besides being jealous of stacy keibler's legs, if i were a girl that is, which maybe i am. i really have no idea. anyway, i'm going to take beginning ballet because among jazz, modern and ballet, all of which i've taken a bit of, ballet was my favorite. except for the moment in modern where the instructor told us to dance our names. so it's beginning ballet for me. i mean fuckin' beginning ballet.

#13 and #6 are my favorites.

so if sandra bernhard died in ghana i guess she'd be buried in a custom made ghanian coffin shaped like either irony or love.

oh, and aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! go sasha, kimmie and now emily i guess. i'll get over it and be cheering when it's time for them to go on. for now, i feel like tonya harding nailed me with a hubcap to the neck and got acquitted by reason of the jury was afraid of her.

fuzzy blue googly-eyed obscenity

time for the gravelly voiced puppet who inspired the gravelly voiced guy in aqua and the knockoff gravelly voiced guy in toybox. from 1979's sesame disco!, it's
cookie monster - lost me cookie at the disco [expired] which is totally obscene when you consider:  cookie = lady parts / monster = jay leno / lost = inexplicably popular show / me = drrrty / cookie = man parts / at = inside / the = hymen / disco = poppers.

quietsche-entchen (that's rubber ducky in german)

another grey rainy friday night on the streets of philadelphia (i mean seattle but i bet philadelphia is rainy and grey now too - how i miss it) so it's the perfect time for the can't believe it's real but it so is rubber ducky german techno remix [expired]. personally i never had a rubber ducky but if i had i would have wanted it to be german and remixed. so many good things are german and remixed like the berlin wall and a mercedes-benz after lindsay lohan drives it into a telephone pole. so now in our best german techno-ese, let's sing the chorus like the 24 hour bathtub party people we are...

quietsche-entchen, nur mit dir
plansche ich so gerne hier.
quietsche-entchen, ich habe dich so furchtbar lieb.
quietsche-entchen, so ein spass,
wenn ich drücke, sagst du 'was,
quietsche-entchen, der beste freund, den es gibt.