ultranow

bar bar bar peep

as i got back to my building after three bars, couple rough looking guys are getting into a pickup. they are laughing and staring at the windows of the apartment below mine. i hear a what the fuck. then they drive away. as i get closer i see my bottom neighbor's ass and porn on his tv. so how the hell am i supposed to peep if he's below me? oh yeah, he goes to my gym and works out lots so it'd be worth it. i'm talking lights fully on bright, shades completely open. love it.

so the three bars were like so:

dueling crazies

watching tom cruise on oprah and paula abdul on home shopping network. which one is crazier? oh yeah, me for watching.

pornographic roommates?

hey if and when the economy tanks further and a loaf of bread goes up to $17.50, i'll need to go back to roommate living. so i was scanning craigslist to get a sense of costs/locations for that and found this extremely potentially pornographic setup. if this is what i have to look forward to, maybe the great depression part 2 won't be so bad.

$600 - Gay couple with Room for Rent

My partner and I have a room available for rent in [x] which is minutes from [x]. The house is a historic 1900's house with flawless dark wood floors throughout. Kitchen was just remodeled this last year with granite countertops and full gas industrial appliances. The room is upstairs facing mount rainier. Room can be leased on a month to month basis as long as you give a month notice so we can find a replacement...

About us.....im 32 and a firefighter..hes 38 and a cop.....

I can send pictures of the room and house upon request. Please reply with a face picture so we can put a face to the email...Talk to you soon..

um, cop, firefighter, face picture? now i understand those folks who pretend they are looking for a roommate just as a way to meet people. because of how it's a nonthreatening situation in which you're supposed to get a sense of someone's personality, ask about their lifestyle, job, etc. basically a date that's not a date. course i once had a 6'4" swedish roommate who sat in the living room in his underwear and over the course of a year went from saying he was straight to then bi to then gay. now if only i he'd been my type it could have been quite interesting. but he was super rich (his family literally owned an island) which for some inexplicable reason i always find to be a turnoff. plus he wasn't into me except as someone to gently guide him into coming out. you know, because i'm totally fucking gay. all that said, $600 for a room? and who wants to live with a cop? oh right, a firefighter does.

oh my goodness

remember the "oh my goodness" girl in annie?  it was a rather unnecessary punctuation to a crisis situation.  girl, we know it's "oh my goodness" time.  you're an orphan in the depression, okay?  so now it my unnecessary punctuation to a crisis situation.  on the surface it's one of those faith in self right decision things.  i reduced my hours at my job so i could focus on design school.  add the fact that i do have talent (along with a million others) and it's not so crazy, right?

today so far

slept in finally, which means 9:30.  field roast sausage and maple syrup.  vegetarian.  massive protein.  yum.  supplements as always.  beat the scrabulous robot.   just as my mind started racing about dating, work, school, money, chores, dating, work, school, money, chores i got on my bike with no destination in mind.  nothing going on but sunshine, wind, trees, sky, bus fumes and avoiding getting doored.  so it's not perfect but it was similar to the continuous present of dance music.  hills.  bumps.  glides.  rhythm.  legs pumping.  no watch.  no bike lock.  nowhere to stop.  no cell phone.  i can live like this always, even without the bike under me.  i don't need to know the future anymore.  i don't need to run from the past or hide in the past so deep i don't remember who i am.  i need to feel my heart pound.  i need to not know how it's all going to be and turn out.  i even need to not know how it was.  i need change and excitement.  i know excitement is not fear.  i know change is not death.  i can tell the difference now.  finally i can feel with no reinterpretation.

dance music controls my life

i can hate myself and hide and not go out even in the sun especially in the sun but but but then i listen to beats per minute hundred twenty eight two fifty six one hundred seventy thousand beats per minute and i move i think i wake up i awaken to my life which is immediately under the control of the music which brought me there.  i awaken to music and there is nothing after music.  it is white light and end of the tunnel.  there is nothing higher than the top of a speaker.  dancing.  seeing all.  no elbows but my own.  i haven't danced on speakers in years but i still dance.  in secret.  to music which brings me to life.  to music which controls my life yet all the music wants is repeat message.  is happiness sunshine or emotive particulars or the continuous present.  i awaken to the continuous present and can't stop moving because the present doesn't stop.  no past.  no future.  no past to hate myself for.  no future to hide from.  only beats.

fashion do fashion don't

i wore the same outfit three days in a row.  and not some soccermomtrash sweatsuit.  i'm talking the right shirt.  the right pants.  the right sneaks.  and no magic happened.  until today.  the third day.  i was on a reverse fashion boycott.  i wouldn't change until the world changed for me.

and today i found it.  everything i've been afraid of is what i need to do.  because the fear doesn't go away.  ever.  it simply exists.  the first day i tried to ignore the fear.  the second day i tried to push away the fear.  the third day i co-existed with the fear.  it was the same fear each day.  the fear that looks for what in the world it signifies.  the fear that is always there and looks to the world to match up with something.

saturday was a day to fear men.  sunday was a day to fear sex.  monday was.  monday was.  the fear remained unassigned.  it simply was there.  an old friend.  neither powerful nor powerless.

so i won't wear the same outfit tomorrow.  the world finally saw me.  saw my shirt over my chest over my heart.  saw my pants over my underwear over my cock.  saw my sneaks over my feet over my forward motion and over my standing still and simply co-existing with the world as myself and myself as the world.

makeover

i'm going to attempt to give myself a makeover this weekend with the goal of being more approachable.  clothes and attitude.  mostly attitude.  i'm better at approaching than being approached and i suck at approaching so that should give you a clue.  my resistance finally cracked after prolonged viewing of what not to wear, clean house, and the hardy boys (it's on digital cable and sean cassidy and parker stevenson are so cute it makes me want to be too).  normally when i want new social contact beyond my normal predominantly heterosexual milieu, i go to the eagle where i invariably end up meeting someone promising but who really was just indulging me in conversation with the goal of scoring.  since i think the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over in the same environment with all factors the same and yet counting on a different outcome, i've decided the eagle should not be the extent, or even part, of my social interplay.

which makes the whole world my gay bar.  and the best kind of gay bar.  a small town gay bar that's about community and banding together and sex in the parking lot.  okay forget the parking lot.  and forget the misplaced idealism.  seattle may have been more small town when i first moved here, but last i checked i still live on a block and a foot is still a foot and a mile is still a mile and i have territory.  perhaps in exploring that territory i'll discover the reason for my inexplicable attraction to guys who work out too much and don't eat enough cheesecake and pose partially naked in their backyards, dicks poking out with promise.  like, oh i don't know, the guy after the jump?

seattle metropolitan and readymade are schizo (and i don't only bring that up because someone told me it's national mental health awareness month)

seattle metropolitan wants you to spend money to learn how to save money.  readymade wants you to bring a magazine into your house in order to learn how to stop clutter.

so are we buying something, such as frugality and a clutter-free lifestyle, or merely the idea of something?  the fact that the purchase of these magazines runs counter to an actual mission in them would prove that we're buying the idea only.  we're buying a way to see ourselves.

this is similar to falling in love with the idea of love, rather than actually being in love or showing love, as in "i want to be someone who has a boyfriend and says i love you so i will have a boyfriend even if i don't like my boyfriend."  not that i've ever done that - three times.

why britney spears creates mass cultural anxiety

nouveau riche white blonde famous young people are supposed to have perfect lives, especially as they appear on the surface, if not deep down.  she does not have a perfect surface life.  and though not relevant to all, is also not perfect deep down.

nouveau riche white blonde famous young people are supposed to create envy and desire and drive self-hatred based economy.  she is only driving paparazzi economy (which includes cnn). 

mass cultural anxiety about britney spears is easier for individuals to write off as silly than mass cultural anxiety about war, health care, the economy, etc. which people are more likely to avoid feeling in the first place because that type of anxiety cannot be written off except by the most self-deluded.

maybe she sells less records because everyone sells less records because of piracy but it's easier to have mass cultural anxiety about britney spears than to have mass cultural anxiety about destruction of intellectual property rights.

britney spears creates mass cultural anxiety because it seems as if britney spears creates mass cultural anxiety whereas in reality mass cultural anxiety exists independently of britney but without britney what it may attach itself to is harder to digest than britney and by digest i mean destroy and make room for another britney.  which is why after we pay attention to massive horrifying global and national issues, it takes britney to wash it down.

the only thing that will stop this cycle is making genuine progress on issues of most importance.  hope and progress.  then britney can go back to just being britney and not be so tangled up in our collective need to escape the world.  then britney can go back to just being britney and not be so tangled up in our collective need to believe perfection is even possible and that happiness eludes all but the nouveau riche white blonde famous young people among us.  i don't need to believe.  i don't believe.  i don't need to escape.  i don't escape.

p.s. in case you're wondering, i'm busy getting my ph.d. in britneyology.  i already have my masters in joan collins engineering.